Feeling 'used'

Well done! You can never go wrong with Rihana.

When you deem that you are a "professional", you must act "professional", and not seek personal favors, or behave "needy or clingy" to ex-underlings. And expect them to be "nice to you" in ways you want them to be "nice to you". After all, they are looking for a job, and that is tough enough, without having to be nice to reference letter writers from the past. Take pity, and be kind.

You may choose to ignore requests for ref. letters; but you may also consider them as a random kindness to an old colleague. It depends on your personality.

I am always surprised that someone from my work incarnation wants me to write them a ref. letter to a prospective new employer. I pull out that form letter, and fix a few phrases, and voila, the new letter is ready to be sent. Not too much effort, for a random kindness. Nothing in return is expected. Totally karma-yoga like gesture.

 

I had experienced a similar thing when I was working..like people would contact me only when they needed professional favours like project reference, job reference, or project related information and explanations and hand overs that I only had knowledge of...
During other times no hi hello am doing no keeping in touch or replying to messages to have a decent conversation..
Of course that didn’t stop me from helping ...as long as I it didnt require much extra effort on my part...
Once I was rewarded in return when the project I was working in ended and I was on bench and desperately searching for a project so I won’t face prob with my job...one ex colleague of mine from previous project in same company came to know of a good project role in a different project and referred me as it fit my requirements...though we weren’t close we shared an amiable relation,..that role was not there in internal job posting...they were looking for project resource unofficialLy first...due to her reference they called me and immediately interviewed me and took me in for the assignment..
So even if I had to do it all over again I would,.currently now working but in future if I work I will require lot of helps and professional references and I hope my past good Karma helps me!

 

I have played both sides of the OP story, when I was working.

Some team mates have called me for reference but not invited me to vara Laxmi puja and said in front of me that you wouldn't have liked it. I am North Indian but I would have loved to be invited to that puja, back then. I was the team lead and these were my friends, as I called them. This team members who was doing the puja was excellent worker, very diligent. She could not come of new new ideas etc, but when told to do some redundant, she will do it very well. For any little thing, I could depend on her. She came on time and left on time, very dependable. Our project was cut in short and they were let go, before she left I gave her excellent reference. Many other people on the same floor called for reference, they had not worked with me but I gave good reference. I realized that none of these friends were considering me their friend, I was more of a management person, and may be with a kind face of mine- they thought of me when thought of reference.

Now, I have been out of work force a long time and have not been able to keep contact with people who can give me reference. It is so embarrassing, how I don't keep in contact. I get embarrassed to just call/ e-mail for reference. But when time comes, I might have to do just that. I have been out of workforce so long, I don't know what to say about it- why was not working. I just don't know what to do about it any ideas? These people will be non-desis and ofcourse thought of me as great worker, but will they even remember me? It has been 7 years. Some are on FB only or only LinkedIn or both.

OP, as you see I have been on sides. I think that the 'one person' you mentioned sees you as reference only and not friend. Something, you might be doing gives the impression that you will give great reference. May be you have a kind face or talk softly or just that after the first reference she realized- you are gold-mine of excellent reference.

I don't know what to suggest you

 

Asking for a reference is professional relationship as you worked with each other.You can do the same when you need a reference.

it is not needed that she build up a personal relationship with you and that expectation is wrong from your side.

she taking you for lunch is also not needed. when you work together it is natural that you ask colleagues for reference .

Your feelings are misplaced. If you don’t like Her professional work then don’t give reference or simply don’t respond next time.

 

This seems quite normal to me. In my field - a job referral is usually requested and given quite freely without any communication in between. All that is needed is what you said "a strong professional relationship during a previous job that ended amicably". And it is not that my work relationship with this person was aloof in any way - we would have shared personal details, taken extra efforts to be friendly and enjoyed quite a bit of camaraderie when *at work*.

Also my observation about others is that it is quite common to keep professional relationships separate. Most of us have different circles for personal/religious celebrations. Only quite occasionally if some person particularly strikes a common wavelength does it turn to friendship.

Also my personal experience is that, I am very rarely able to allocate time for coffee/lunch even with my closest friends/relatives because of my work/home commitments - so I don't expect my professional contacts to keep in touch with me over coffee/lunch just to keep the communication going.

Also one question - what does a job referral involve in your case - you writing a personal letter? In my field it is usually just filling in a form with the person's details at my company website. So it's a favor that doesn't take more than a few minutes. Sometimes it can be an email to the right manager with the person's resume and a sentence or two about my experience with the person.

 

Honestly, in today’s world, I am ok with such interactions. If I can help, I will. If am unable to, I will let them know and may be they will stop reaching out. I would take matter-of-fact acquaintances any day over name-sake friendships. Specially in US, I feel a lot of us are literally hunting for ‘friends’ to compensate for the absence of our families. In many cases, I see these becoming forced relationships beyond a point or just a factor to help attend more parties or invite more people to parties kind of thing. In your case OP, may be the person doesn’t want anything beyond references. If you are not into it, next time decline and that will probably be the last time you hear from her.

 

In my experience, it's prudent to keep work relationships separate from social ones. I would never risk having one complicate the other.

It doesn't cost you anything to write an honest reference for an ex-colleague. Why do you expect to be repaid with a social life?

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