Past : Able To Forget But Still Not Forgive

I sometimes wonder,
They are also humans, so I wonder what justification they could have for such behavior ? How would such people defend such actions if they were part of this forum ?

 

Recently some other ILF member, mother of 2 girls, posted about husband hitting her in front of her in-laws, and she had to call the police ( in America also). Very sad even to read about it. And such goings on put our own problems in a different perspective, don't it ? Yes, indeed; you go ahead, and love your guy and have a good life.

 

This is the conflict. you still have bitter memories but on the other hand you are trying to keep them happy. Expect less and do minimum . Please don't go out of your way to do anything special. Self healing takes time. Any time you get angry start writing your thoughts . Generally If I pause my anger goes down drastically. Take a short walk or do some breathing. Understand that you need to let go the past to build your future. Never expect anyone to look after you or stand up for you. You came alone in this world. You need to stand up for yourself. Take this as life lesson and guard yourself in future. Sometimes we learn lesson in harder way. Count your blessings you and your kid are healthy today.

 

i have to clarify something here. He backs me 100% means, he’ll ask his mother to stop if she starts anything against me. That’s all.
What she does will NEVER be held against her nor will she be questioned. She has done awful things to me - on levels of terrorism and crimes against humanity - and no one holds her accountable. She terrorised me when u was vulnerable and so she is a terrorist. Yet she marks “no” for terrorism questions on visa papers and freely travels. It’s as if I don’t count, crimes against me don’t count. The best my husband can do is support me IN HER ABSENCE and tell me he lost respect for his parents. He is normal to them - they don’t realise he lost respect for them. I think she uses age as an excuse and lies all the time. So I never win.

My SIL is a strange piece. She has no brain of her own, when she is with her mother, she supports her mother. When she is on her own, she is fine. She stood and watched “crimes against humanity” while her mother nagged, harassed and drove wedges into my marriage. Mil was full on and relentless. I was pregnant and my parents never support me! (Another story - I’m a girl so I have to adjust).

My husband gets really defensive if I say “I’ll treat them exactly the way they treated me”. I don’t understand why!!

 

We could easily forgive the wrong doers, but it takes time to forget what they did.
You can't forgive someone unless they seek for forgiveness. If not by words, they should do that by actions.
Unless you forgive, you are less likely to forget as their actions could haunt you everytime you meet or think about them. Hence you are here, venting out your emotions.
It is perfectly OK, NOT to forgive or forget those who are not apologetic of their actions, and repeat the same hurtful cruelty no matter what.

Since I have been in your shoes almost a decade back, I know what it is, and how it feels.
But I handled it differently; hence I am able to forgive and let go of the past.

It is important to note the following matters:-

1) What's the reason behind their cruel behavior?
In my case, it was our inter-religious love marriage which they did not approve. But the actual reason behind my suffering was my H's choice to trust his folks given their disagreement to our marriage; thus he left me with them.
He was completely at fault to take me for granted. He could have assessed the situation at his home before leaving me there. Or at least, he could have done some monitoring (directly or remotely) to understand my well being there. Or at least he could have paid more attention on my reactions back then.
He failed miserably as a husband; hence I was very angry with him.

But he accepted his fault, understood his folks, and promised to take care of me from them. He was sincerely apologetic for what has happened, and took fullest responsibility for it. He made sure his folks have no access to hurt or haunt his family; hence I forgave him. I was able to let go of the past because of my H.

2) Why didn't you take control of the things that made you vulnerable?
Partly it was my fault too. As an educated, independent adult I should have been more self dependent than waiting for someone to care for me.
It was ok if I had starved or made to feel so low for a day or two. But after a point, I should have reacted. I should have taken assertive actions to rightfully demand a respectful stay there. If that was denied, I should have brought this to my H's attention immediately. If he was silent, then I should have walked out of the house because no one deserved to be treated so low, specially when they are expecting a child.
But I chose to silently suffer for many days, and subtly hint about all these to my H - instead of talking out loud.
They capitalized my weakness; hence I suffered.

Now that, I know what is right and what is not right. I don't expect my H or any outsider to come and rescue me. Rather I take the lead and protect my own family from every outsider that come with an intention to harm us.
This way, I feel empowered and my H feels less disturbed and everyone else (extended family) are mindful about their borders.

 

You can solve this by working on yourself. People will behave and do what they think is right. People can apologize only when they think they did something wrong.

They have long gone and you are still troubled by your own thoughts. You have hurt inside and you keep playing the same scene again and again in your mind.

Trust me actually you do not need apology from anyone, all you are looking for peace of mind.

Currently you think closure will happen when they realize their mistake and say sorry. It is a clear sign of an emotional weakness.

Even if they all agree to you, what is the gurantee that their won't be anything new for which they won't meet your expectations.

If you cannot follow your thoughts by subsequent actions, it is a waste and heavy thought! Solution lies within you, think about it.