Little Maths Problem

jayasala42 · Oct 29, 2019

If your mother is able to cook food and if there is no necessity to engage a cook, monthly expenses for two people in a city in India may work out to max of Rs 15,000/ plus medical expenses.If the apartment rented is a big one attracting much rent, let them move to a smaller compact apartment.As madam rihana has said, please request your another responsible sister to check up the expenses and keep it under control. There is no use of talking about another sister.Just ignore. We were six daughters. Two were not financially sound. We exempted them.The other four divided the percentage as per their affordability.We talked and came to a definite understanding. Parents also should cooperate realising the responsibility children have.
jayasala42

Benadryl · Oct 29, 2019

Thank you for your replies.

When I said "After a few months I stopped fully and other sister is carrying more burden" I meant I fully stopped chipping in the youngest sisters share. I still have to pay my share. Although I have to admit, in order to teach the youngest one a lesson, for the past few months I don't contribute 30k but pay the rent + maintenance (about 23k). However this is causing extreme burden on the other sister and I can see she has decided to become like what I was - working day and night and just pouring money into the house without savings and with no plans for the future. In a way, it serves her right, but I can see she is on the wrong path - for no fault of hers and she has all my sympathy. Sometimes I will surprise her by sending some amount occasionally.

About parents - no investment, no inheritance, nothing. To put it bluntly, they are just a burden. Other than being able to feed us three meals and make us beg (in front of relatives) for school/college fees - they haven't done anything. Since the second child is now bearing most weight, IMO, they look at her like the chicken with golden egg. They don't encourage her to make savings or to find a partner for marriage. She doesn't want to sort it out with the youngest sister either as the youngest one keeps threatening of damaged relationships and how this talking is making her depressed and she has to spend money to see psychologist etc - if you have read my previous problems, you can see how she has taken on my father. Both have some or the other reason to not make a living, use psychological threats and are just useless overall. Recently father had cataract operation and since has no money saved, children have to manage.

On managing expenses, when mum had a free hand with my debit card etc - she used to keep crying "Its such a hard life asking kids for money". Since more than 16 years I am only maintaining everything - do everything and still this woman keeps crying. Now second sister carrying more burden, she still keeps crying the same song. When I used to ask her for how we are spending so much money - she will give illogical responses like 'I went to the market, I ate all the money and I came back'. No amount of reasoning made sense to her. When pressed, she will either throw tantrums of how dare a child ask the parents to be accountable or again cry and sing the same song of how hard her life is and how shameful her children make her feel.

Anyway, the point of the this thread, I am still not satisfied by the replies here that the brother earning dollars should share more burden - why ? I'd like to say have invested in myself and not missed a single day of work or training to be in my position - although most of it is just sheer luck, I cannot discount the hard work I have put in. Did I want to pursue other things ? Of course, but being an IT coolie paid the most so I am doing this. I have sacrificed my desires of living a fulfilling life, why should I have to pay for a siblings incompetency? If I have put in the hard work to earn what I earn, shouldn't I and my children have the first go at it ? Instead of having to chip in for a sibling who is perfectly capable of earning more than 80k INR a month - but doesn't want to for some or the other reason. And for parents who don't want to curtail their expenses ? Even belief in God is waning as mum keeps spending a lot of money in temples as this will bring 'barkat' and God has kept her so well. I just want to yell in her face - its me who has kept you so well, not any God !! Although the religious conditioning keeps making me afraid of saying this.

This has just turned into a rant now. Sorry. However, equality should be for everyone, as in a two way street. It also has to be relative to the work and effort one puts in. If one doesn't want to contribute because they don't want to work, how can they claim to be treated unfairly?

armummy · Oct 29, 2019

If you don’t want to share the burden anymore simply stop and let them know. Stop it and they will learn to live with what other person can provide.

no point in giving with so much resentment .

Rihana · Oct 29, 2019

Benadryl said: ↑

Anyway, the point of the this thread, I am still not satisfied by the replies here that the brother earning dollars should share more burden - why ? I'd like to say have invested in myself and not missed a single day of work or training to be in my position - although most of it is just sheer luck, I cannot discount the hard work I have put in. Did I want to pursue other things ? Of course, but being an IT coolie paid the most so I am doing this. I have sacrificed my desires of living a fulfilling life, why should I have to pay for a siblings incompetency? If I have put in the hard work to earn what I earn, shouldn't I and my children have the first go at it ? Instead of having to chip in for a sibling who is perfectly capable of earning more than 80k INR a month - but doesn't want to for some or the other reason. And for parents who don't want to curtail their expenses ? Even belief in God is waning as mum keeps spending a lot of money in temples as this will bring 'barkat' and God has kept her so well. I just want to yell in her face - its me who has kept you so well, not any God !! Although the religious conditioning keeps making me afraid of saying this.

This has just turned into a rant now. Sorry. However, equality should be for everyone, as in a two way street. It also has to be relative to the work and effort one puts in. If one doesn't want to contribute because they don't want to work, how can they claim to be treated unfairly?
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You are wishing for change that is not in your control.

The replies here are just opinions from strangers on the internet. You are not satisfied by the replies here. Benadryl, you cannot change the opinions other people have or the decisions others take.

You are complicating this more than needed. Send what you feel like. When you feel like. Yes, you come from a dysfunctional family. You have done well in spite of that by luck and hard work. Great. Now live that life you have worked hard for. Parents and siblings being a bit sensible about finances is not in your destiny. So be it. As problems go, this is a relatively easy one to distance yourself from. Distancing yourself is all you can do. Your parents or siblings will never say that you should only give 30K or 33%. Neither will any relatives. Your parents or siblings really appreciate what you give. No matter how much you give, it will be considered as "not a big deal for you." Even if you take care of the entire 90K each month.

SinghManisha · Oct 29, 2019

Your biggest problem is your inability to say NO. Everyone here has pointed out that 90K in monthly expenses is too much. You can control how much they spend.
You want us to sympathize and tell you how unfair your family is being with you. Instead we are all providing solutions , not harping on the problem.

Sunshine04 · Oct 29, 2019

Rihana said: ↑

The $->Rupee rate will favor the dollar for a long time, and until then, they won't fully forget you.
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yellowmango · Oct 29, 2019

Benadryl said: ↑

Anyway, the point of the this thread, I am still not satisfied by the replies here that the brother earning dollars should share more burden - why
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You pay for not having to deal with them in day today life. For not having to listen to their aches and pains first hand. For not having to deal with their disfunctional ways yourself everyday.

Op....why don't you think long term and buy a small flat in your name where they can stay .You pay emi instead of rent . This way there will be less resentment and you will be making an investment.
This is the right time to invest because property market is down.

Your parents are selfish and irresponsible. Don't let them decide how big a house or which locality.
Just discuss with the other sister and invest in a place and size you can afford.

Who decided on the figure of 30,000 each and how can it be the same when the earnings are not the same? Just planning won't make it come true....the plan has to be executable too.

As most people have written....90 K is not required for living a decent life. Find a figure that you all can work with and then come to a reasonable figure.

Give the third daughter the responsibility to go and meet them atleast two times a week and spend some time with them .
Ask her to take them for doctors visit while you pay for the doctor.
She can chip in with something as small as the electricity bill or telephone bills.
Give her something that she is capable of doing instead of a figure that is unreasonable. You can't say she can work harder.
It doesn't work that way.

Ask the second daughter to buy groceries and other requirements like gas etc for them herself or get them delivered. She can find good deals online too.
Try to buy and pay for most things instead of giving them money that they can be irresponsible with. Give them some extra as pocket money.

I don't understand the resentment towards the second daughter who is bearing the double brunt of giving money and probably taking care of them too.

As for parents, tell them to stop complaining .
Tell them this is the amount of money and she can choose between buying for themselves and donating to temples. Op....they are irresponsible and spoilt. You have to decide if you want to give in or put up resistance.

Make smarter choices for yourself ,your sisters and patents. Save some of the money you people are spending for buying them good medical plans for future.

Hope you look into making some of your spendings into investments.
Buy a small house.
Invest in good medicare plan.

Best wishes op.

mangaii · Oct 29, 2019

Deal with root cause don’t just treat the symptoms. Let it go or say no . Bottling up emotions due to resentment is not good for mental health . I find your request unreasonable. Your parents should deal with your sister not you . You are judging your sister and her personnel life for not paying her dues . Be kind . Just because things have worked out for you doesn’t mean you judge their life style .

yellowmango · Oct 29, 2019

Benadryl said: ↑

I'd like to say have invested in myself and not missed a single day of work or training to be in my position - although most of it is just sheer luck, I cannot discount the hard work I have put in. Did I want to pursue other things ? Of course, but being an IT coolie paid the most so I am doing this. I have sacrificed my desires of living a fulfilling life, why should I have to pay for a siblings incompetency? If I have put in the hard work to earn what I earn, shouldn't I and my children have the first go at it ?
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You worked hard. You are doing well financially,independent and in an enviable position to decide how much you can spare.
That is the reward.

Give what you can give comfortably without feeling you are taking away from your children and without looking at what your sisters are doing or not doing.
They are there and helping out in other ways without looking at whether you are helping or not.

Your sisters cannot live life to your expectations .

mangaii · Oct 29, 2019

Nobody has perfect family . We all are dysfunctional in some way or other . Yes the degree differs but all one needs to do is pay 30k per month for that then that is great . Lot of people deal with mentally or physical sick parents . It takes toll on their health . Why not fly to India and see exactly where money is going ?