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Dealing With An Extremely Stubborn Child?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Sep 27, 2019.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Taking away after the fact or time outs don't work as well as reinforcing positives and setting expectations prior work. Again, saying you get to go to the park only after you finish this is very different from since you threw a tantrum we aren't going to the park. If she says "I don't care", wait it out. She knows you will come around. She has worked out that you are going to get worked up about the thing she hasn't done and is taking advantage. Don't get worked up. Just let her not do what is expected and get bored at home. Once she realizes you aren't giving in, she will come around.

    How did you work it out? Did you use that as a bargaining chip for everything? If you did, it lost it's value.

    Again, what is the antecedent? Give some examples of what happened before she got mean and angry and threw a tantrum. You've mentioned tantrums but haven't mentioned what happens before and after.
    She is doing it only with you because as I mentioned earlier, she gets a reaction from you when she does it. The way to make it go away is by not paying attention to negative behaviors. Don't give in and don't pay attention. Take all these notes and go to the therapist. If you go with what you have stated, the therapist will say the above. If you try the above and go she will look at what happened when you tried all this and give you tips.
     
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  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for the ideas in your replies.
    Anika, looks like my daughter is your daughter's twin sister. She is 5 and does the same drama. No seriousness to hurry up or get things done before a specific time. Every day her readying up for school is like going for a battle for me. She will just sit like that without brushing. I have forcefully brushed her teeth on many days. She wastes time and two three times she has even gone to school with just a rinse and without bath. If i let her miss her school bus i am sure she wouldnt mind.

    She doesnt demand anything, well content with whatever toys dresses she has. Though i dont buy her many stuff she still has no demands whatsover. Nor can i bribe her about taking her out to play or buying a new stuff as she just dont care. She can play on her own even with whatever minimal toys she has. No hardn fast rule about tv cartoons or mobile watching. If she gets to watch, well n good otherwise no problem. She would scribble or colour on a newspaper if no toys around.

    Regarding discipling or speeding up for school, my parents who are staying with me are against of beating her. Though i spank sometimes they would say a big no against that and find my faults for her lazy behaviour. Even if i am angry with her, she would run to them and act as if nothing happened.

    She often catches cold and falls sick, so i am also not harsh with herr. For eating food she takes 1 hour and that too i have to spoonfeed her. School tiffin she gives to other kids. My friends kids were also like her and she gives a good beating to bring the kids on track. Now her kids do brush and take bath without lazing. She asks me to be very strict with my daughter like her to bring on a change but bcos of my parents I am not able to implement it.

    If she has to miss the school bus because of her slow movements, i am sure it would happen everyday as my daughter is actually not bothered of any consequences. However, she doesnt laze around for going anywhere else.
     
  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    OMG.. I looked at OP name if its my written that post some time back. I am in same situation or may be work.
    - hates i cook and tells bad things about it, wants school lunch
    -hates me
    -morning to evening, getting her to do any small thing is like battle
    - she wants me to be hurt, go away, get out of house, live somewhere else… everything bad she knows.

    I used to cry a lot about it and righ tnow i am on antidepressents so may be because of that, i do not cry and my focus is shifted but i feel like she is already gone out of my hand and control and i can not improve the situation. but she might hurt herself or go to wrong path if i again do not intervene. When i used to fuss or raise my point, there will be fights in the house.
    H has given up already and picked easy way. She does not want to get up from bed.. TV.
    No eating…its okay, change clothes in front of TV,
    sit in car with phone… she gets so absorbed in phone that if we leve her aloine in car in dark garage, she won't even notice.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @anika987

    Its not going to be an easy ride to be honest. Parenting very sensitive kids is supper tough, but you need to learn the art to sail through.

    I used to be a very stubborn & sensitive kid back then. Not because i was arrogant, but because i had this intuition that often tells me what is right.
    It was never easy to follow others blindly when your instinct was too strong and that says something against it.

    I remember an incident when i was 7 or 8 and my mom wanted me to tie my hair in a certain way.
    Mom would look great in that hairstyle bcz hers is a long and thin face.
    With my chubby round face i felt horrible to tie my hair that way.
    My mind was constantly telling me to comb my hair differently and i was so sure about it.
    But at that young age i didn't know how to convince my mom.
    All i knew was to cry, be aggressive, and talk back nonsense to show my disagreement.

    Unlike today, our mothers didn't have the idea as to why we were like that. So, they gave physical punishment to control us.
    But that will never solve the problem.

    For your problems, I could suggest a few things that you may try:

    1. Negotiate:
    Tell her that you know she is right. But why it is important to act different (as per your way) due to 'whatever' reasons.
    Just that, she needs to believe that you are on her page and you both are handling it together.
    This way, you can build the trust.

    2. Middle ground.
    Always find a win-win situation for both.
    Instead of telling ' no park today because you didn't do home work' you may try telling ' I will take you to park if you finish this homework now'
    And always you do what you promise.

    3. No means No:
    Kids should understand this though it takes long to understand it.
    She might say 'I don't care' now, because she knew your 'No' will turn to 'Yes' anytime.
    Wait & stand firm in your decisions till she understands.
    She will stage dramas, so what.. She will come down.

    4. Stay on the same page
    When parenting it is important to stay on the same page as your spouce.
    If mommy say ' No' then daddy too should say the same.
    Else kids will get confusions and suspect even your genuine intentions.

    Above everything, it is important that you project yourself as a matured, capable, bold mother before her.
    You must make sure your spouse too respect you the same, at least in front of your kid.
    This way, she will naturally get impressed and start following you.

    Don't worry, everything will be all right
     
  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you:)will try what you said
     
  6. MySunshine2020

    MySunshine2020 New IL'ite

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    I can understand how painful it would be to hear these words from ur daughter. I remember reading that you underwent IVF for this baby (correct me if im wrong). I am under IVF too currently. Did we not die already undergoing the phase of IVF just to hold the precious little ones.?!!
     
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    True.. so many injections this and that...
    Just to hear all this!

    my mom and am sure all moms would have said this..” you will understand my pain only when you have your own child!”

    true..
     
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  8. EightKittens

    EightKittens Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @anika987,

    I'm not a mom, I'm not even married, or particularly maternal, so I am a little scared to comment in this thread. But I wanted to chip in from the point of view of someone who used to be considered a 'difficult child' or an 'oversensitive child'. And I have absolutely said and done all of the above to my mom.

    Anyway, a lot of the time when I would get angry or have tantrums was because I felt like wasn't being seen or heard properly. As in I could not make her listen to me in any way that mattered. I did not feel that she considered me or my opinions to be important. Like she was too wrapped up in something else more important all the time and I was irritating her. I just wanted her to really look at me and really pay attention to me.

    One of the things that helped me was that we started to have these times together as family after dinner where we would just sit and talk about stuff for a couple of hours...like movies, school, news, dad's job, whatever. And I got to speak too, as an equal (or so I was made to feel like). That really helped. Not always having to listen. I could tell them that I hated learning classical music, and that I was awful at it. And then they could explain their reasoning for wanting me to take those classes - and we would go over and over them, again and again. Of course, sometimes they got angry because I kept being stubborn despite all of their hardwork, and sometimes I did too. But at least I started to feel like I had some input in the process.
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the feedback and you are right..I was also told that the kid needs to be heard and listened too..

    problem is sometimes it gets tiring to go through the tantrums day in and day out:)

    But am trying to be more patient as much as possible:)
     

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