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Awful Awful Husband...why Do I Feel Like I Need Him?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Patientone, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm it’s in regards to about the future. I think it’s better to divorce but I’m scared I may regret it. I don’t want to give him any more chances. I went with him to India for the first time after marriage. Previously, I stayed with them for 5 months when hubbys visa was getting done as they would threaten divorce if I left early. I quit my job in the Uk and suffered a lot of abuse. I thought things would change but they didn’t.

    A couple of months ago my father in law told my uncle in India he would get his son divorced from me if we didn’t send enough money. They don’t understand he doesn’t earn enough. Sometimes we used to send money and not have enough food in the house. They always compare him to his brother who has lived here for 10 years and earns 4x what he does. But because my husbands level of English isn’t great he’s still on basic pay. Regardless of this we still send money when we can which is nearly every month. As soon as hubbys visa got extended, I’ve seen a change in his and his families attitude. I did all the visa paperwork and helped him with costs etc. However, I feel like I’m just a ticket into the country. There are extreme arguments every few months. My husband is a mommas boy and yes the problem is with him, but he is easily swayed by his mother. I feel like my daughter would suffer less if we split up. He feels more comfortable with his parents. It’s like they live with us even though they’re in India. I feel like he does not have any love for me and he treats me like dirt. He sides with his mother when she abuses me because it will give him extra brownie points. He’s the scapegoat child and he would do anything to fight for his mothers love. She likes her elder son more so that’s why my hubby feels inferior.

    It’s just the divorce bit. I’m not sure I’m making the right decision for me and mainly my daughter. I look at her face and I’m heartbroken. Will I be able to give her a good upbringing? Or should I shut up and take the abuse in a loveless marriage? My husband has no respect for women and he is controlling. He will do the same to her when she grows up.
     
  2. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    It’s more emotional incest/covert incest. Part of me now cringes when I see the signs. My husband said his mom was like one of us, one of the young ones in his life like a friend who he hangs out with. I’m not sure I’m okay with what I’ve seen. I feel suffocated. I’m not jealous but I don’t need her opinion on everything. When my husband wanted me and him to go out she’ll say no don’t go out get the car we’ll all go, don’t go there their are big mosquitoes, don’t go their you’ll fall off the bike, why don’t u go by yourself and take her later. I’m a human being, I’m his wife, I have rights. She doesn’t need to interfere in everything.

    She’s shameless too once a mosquito bit me a couple of years ago. She asked her son whether a mosquito bit me or did he kiss me. My father rang her once and never again after she told him we were in our room and then giggled and said maybe you should call later. This time at Mumbai airport she was in the car and she didn’t want to sit next to me. She made hubby sit in between us and started kissing him on his face all over seductively. Then was rubbing his thigh. She also has a habit of rubbing vicks on his lower stomach whenever his stomach hurts. He’s a 32 year old man. Unfortunately, I feel like my husband really enjoys the attention he gets. He held her hand in the car throughout the journey. He normally holds my hand when I feel sick but he refused to do so like he was embarassed. I’m not a dirt, I’m a human being, maybe I should find someone who will appreciate me and give me basic love.
     
  3. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    No I didn’t have a consent form. I got married in India so maybe will get divorced in india.
     
  4. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    It’s fine hugging and kissing, I get what you mean. It’s normal in my family too. But there’s a difference between seductive kiss and normal cute kiss. It was a bit overdone. Anyway let’s leave it. Thanks btw. I don’t think he loves me. He seems miserable when he is with me and so happy with his family. He never asks about me. Like I’m a burden. In fights he constantly says he can’t live with me and only married me for citizenship.
     
  5. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    He stayed quiet but murmured something to show his mum I’m on your side. He sided with his mum because his dad got a mop to beat her with because she was abusing me and fighting unnecessarily. He told her to shut up. Then mother in law fake fainted and started acting like she was dying. So he begged her for forgiveness and told her she was his ‘jaan’ and to forgive her. I’m not sure if this was drama. But the next day when they came to collect me they claimed his mum was seriously ill with high blood pressure. I called my uncles for help and they took me and my daughter as the environment wasn’t safe . Husband probably felt defensive of parents and his loyalty lies with them. I do know when to stop (I’m not sure why u mean) and I’m sorry I don’t argue unnecessarily. It’s just not in my nature. But when you hear taunts all night long, you are told that the house will be clean for your Toddler daughter (who has not felt the Indian climate) with the money you sent, and you don’t say anything when it’s not (I cleaned it myself), your parents are insulted and your siblings, it’s human nature to answer an insulting question that is asked (by my mil). I feel like she was asking for a fight. She told the maid that it didn’t matter if my husband divorced me and that she was looking for brides for him. She also hid a lot of the food and other items in cardboard boxes etc out of sight to show us they were suffering and poor. She told the maid ‘if they want anything they can go get it themselves’. Yeah I’m the bahu and I’m the stranger but what sort of mother thinks such things for her son and granddaughter? How are we supposed to go out when she wouldn’t let us? I pray to god she gets her karma.
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. Indian divorce is like going on a cruise. Much slower, more events to attend, more people to see. The faster processing in the western countries is like a airplane flight. Over too quickly.
     
  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Its damn slow in western countries too, but definitely faster than in India.
     
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  8. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    I’m doubting if there was any love between us. He does not contact me unless I contact him. He doesn’t care about me. His WhatsApp pics are just of him and our daughter. He’s let go. Should I do too? I can’t take the heartache anymore. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I doubt he likes me.

    What sort of guy takes photos of his wife’s fat rolls and send them to his mom? Or takes photos of unwashed dishes in arguments to send to his parents so that she looks bad?
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Fat Rolls ? I am used to pastries referred to like this..... like Cinnamon Rolls. It was a bit confusing on the first read. On this side of the pond, "he's let go" would mean he is gotten fat and unsightly. What did you mean by that ?
    Unwashed dishes looking bad is a reflection on him -- doesn't he wash the dishes at home? If he doesn't, whose fault is it for not training him :angry: ?
    That sounded like you had imported a match; a procedure that is fraught with rapidly declining salvage value of relationships.

    Good luck.
     
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  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    How did your marriage get him citizenship?
     

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