Advice On Mil Problem

Wow...toxic woman!
If someone said that to me...I would cut her out of my live .

 

That’s a horrible thing to say .. it’s her grandkid that’s suffering.

 

Unfortunately, the truth here is that it will be a miracle if she changes. Basic characteristics are hard to change. And this is just who she is.

It’s not her character to say things directly, it’s necessary for her to refer to someone like a neighbor did this, in our generation it’s done like this, your cosis does this better
- this doesn’t mean she’s appreciating someone else, but more towards pointing to your flaws without directly saying so.

Not celebrating with you or indirectly putting you down esp if others appreciate, it’s like she doesn’t want to see you happy.

She’s bitter n passive aggressive, she’s just not the direct- fighting kinds. It’s not her character but she’s one of the insecure n bitter n unhappy mil.

It’s gona be tough to change her, maybe even impossible. Only you can change the way you respond to this. Either talk back or ignore, expecting her to change herself is one tough ask.

 

Live and let live !

You continue living your life your way doing whatever you want n developing a thicker skin n feeling blessed for having a supporting husband who doesn’t listen to her indirect poking.

N let her lives hers her way, with her gossips (it’s her form of entertainment) n indirect poking. I don’t see a way to change her.

Options:
You can ignore
You can talk back
Or do a combo of both depending on the situation
Or you too reply indirectly to her about some imaginary mother Teresa kind of mil
Maybe you should tel her about the wife who left her marriage after 25 years as she’s was not able to take the in laws torture.
Maybe scare her now n then with some stories - use your imagination
Make her spend more time with bil
Or better yet, start meditation

ideal mind is a devils playground. Get her hooked with some local aunties group or travel group or bhajan groups or something like that. Let her have her own schedule n get busy. One of the best ways for damage control from whatever I have seen around.

 

Dear OP

I see part of your problems are your way of responding to the things that happens in your life. These problems would have been solved then and there, should you have acted differently.

If I were you, I would say "Wow.. they look cool like me and my hubby". What a chemistry between them!
I would move away from the scene without even waiting for her reply. That should have been put an end to this drama.
You should believe that you and your H are the perfect pair regardless of your looks. No matter what others say, ultimately it is your ego and your insecurity and your inferiority that kills you from inside.

I would say, "Noope... I will cherish them, as these are her first jewelries. You can always buy bigger ones as they grow, but for babies, you need baby jewelries only"

Not everyone is comfortable in praising in person. At least you know that she likes something about you and praise you. Leave it at that.
Pay deaf ear to her criticism. If not possible, give it back then and there. Don't take it to your heart.

You should say..." Ma, even my parents' children (that is you and your siblings) never worked before marriage. It is the marriage that teaches responsibilities and we must grow up at some points in life. You can't expect your son to be a child forever.
Let him grow up like how I did grow up after marriage.... Else, everyone will blame him and your brought up only"

Your response matters!!!

 

Lol I faced similar issue recently. Few days ago my hubby was making coffee for himself and was on call with his mom. So she was like why are you making coffee?? Im like is tat a sin to make coffee for self !!!
What’s wrong in tat? Infact he even cooks at times which I’m sure she will be shocked!

She got on my nerves last week when she had called me. I just asked her if she had her dinner? What should she answer? Simple yes or no isn’t it?
But her response was I put all the vessels to maid including spoon. I never washed a single spoon in my life. I have maids to take care of. I’m like wat nonsense she is upto? She is indirectly hinting tat I have no maid here in US and I have to do all the work alone.

So I couldn’t control my rage and told even I dint wash a single spoon/fork in my life before marriage but even now I need not worry as I have dish washer. So her mouth was shut!

They want their kids to not struggle or help their wives but want their DIL’s to do all the work whether they are ill or not!

Until and unless we put our foot down they won’t stop.

 

I don't understand why mommies can't tolerate their sons doing small chores. I stay with my in laws and whenever I assign something to hubby that is going to my MIL. Like putting clothes in washing machine, drying them. Keeping fruits in the box etc . When momma not around hubby does it himself without my instructions. Now this momma gets ego issues if I assign to her directly.
Hell with it. I still won't give up and find something which he does and doesn't assign to mommy dearest.
As long as the work is done I'm not mad at anyone. But the teasing which goes to my hubby how he's a momma's boy is kept inside our bedroom and I don't miss any opportunity to pin point that to him.
Yes a humorous teasing is very much required to bring these men to task. He says "I thought you didn't notice me not doing ".
Lol I'll be extra vigilant and observe how and who is finishing the task. As long as its done it's fine and I there are no issues.

But MIL assigns small jobs to FIL like grating coconut, peeling aloo etc. I wish her MIL was there to tell her "do not assign anything to my son "

When it comes to sons they become mommies to toddlers and never realise this man is a grown up adult who can do lot more than the moms imagine.!!

 

Same here. My FIL does help in chopping vegetables sometimes.

But doesn’t let her son step inside the kitchen.
Hey but I’m not his mom you see. He is always welcome here because it’s his kitchen too. No partiality here

 

Dear OP, you are right, ignoring the words of someone belittling us every chance they get is very hard to do. We are human, we have emotions and hence we feel hurt. Unfortunately we don't have a switch we can flip to turn off our emotions and ignore the hurtful comment. (it is possible to ignore, but will take time, learning techniques such as meditation to attain such a state) So here is my simple solution, maybe give it a try: Get headphones you can easily slip on to your head. The moment your MIL starts any mean comments, put it on and play devotional music, sway your head gently so she knows you can't hear a thing. Three benefits for you: (1) you won't hear the mean comment (2) the devotional music will calm your nerves and uplift your spirits (3) she will be so irritated that you did not hear her comment and completely ignored her! If you do this over and over she will not find the motivation to say hurtful things as she is not getting the desired reaction from you.
All the very best, and don't forget to say a prayer of thanks for the wonderful and supportive husband you have