Stressed Out...very Lonely

yellowmango · Jul 28, 2019

Op...most real men accept changes in the wife's body after childbirth.
Most husband also do comment about the weight,sometimes because they worry about her health and sometimes because they feel the attraction waning.

Unless and until the wife has become grotesquely obese...no man stops having sex because of weight gain.

The only reason a normal man will stop sex is if he has some physical,sexual ,mental or emotional issue.

Or if something has happened that has made him develop hatred for her.

Or he is getting sex elsewhere.

Most couples deal with each others physical flaws and changes in a normal way.
Infact it is women who become more conscious of the weight .

With the arrival of children and physical flaws,most couples use light dimmers or switch off to keep the action going.

What ever the case..your husband is the one who is acting abnormal.

Like others have written...reduce the weight for your health because you deserve good health. Your husband may or may not respond positively to it because he is the problem.

Rubyru · Sep 3, 2019

Hello everyone

I am really thankful to all of u for Ur answers. They were some which actually let me think.

Well the update is I started weight loss last month but as usual some or the other situation comes up n then I go off track. Have started again n hopefully will shed somw kilos this month. And this as many of u have mentioned is purely for my mental n healthy being.

I also like to add that I am not obese,it's the weight gain after childbirth which I couldn't lose...n my equation with my husband also added to my anxiety.
When I posted my query I was extremely down n tored apart u know...I thought its my weight gain which is a problem as he was just hammering about it in my brain. It's weight gain n looks that is the root cause of our no sexual life etc etc..let me tell u what went a few years ago...

. Husband was acting weird right after my pregnancy n I was noticing n spying on him.came to know about his closeness with his female colleague. It was an affair which started probably when I went to my father's place for delivery anyhow I told his parents about it n he feels I am the reason he lost his respect in his family. Anyhow that topic was shoved under the rug after sometime. He never apologized or spoke about it ....I also didn't care because I had my little one to look after ...I was depressed n went to psychiatrist as well. During this period of year and half he used to come whenever he feels like for sex. Nothing happened to him though.
This year he started communicating with me n this whole girl thing was gone . He again started telling me to look a certain way now ofcourse losing weight n looking like a model which I don't really have a problem with I know I will lose some kilos off if I have mental peace which I don't . He insisted a lot n said he keeps saying about weight loss after my kid was born n till now I didn't lose etc etc which is true.
How can one have peace of mind when his husband is having an on and off affair. Anyway when he insisted a lot on this topic I told I will lose it till July ...now I just hate myself for saying this ...my parents were I'll , I developed trust issues ,was depressed all of this were the reasons I just couldn't look a certain way as he wished.
Nevertheless as for me now I made a goal that I will be my healthy self . I started on the journey thank god again.
Now since two days again he's acting weird n he got a call from that girl I was coincidentally sitting with him n kids when he got it ofcourse he didn't receive I saw the name I ignored as if I was busy with kids stuff.
My lovely ladies do u all feel it's my weight loss as he thinks is causing this unhappy marriage or his emotional attachment n affair somewhere.
Please don't ask to take divorce coz I am not. One of the reasons I ignored that girls call was I am not giving up on this marriage. I have invested a lot in every way. Just becaue of this affair n his ED which I strongly feel he has I am not giving up atleast for now.
I want to concentrate on my well being for few months n see how he's gonna respond. Am I crazy to think this way.
Uff it's a long post. Thanks for reading please do share Ur thoughts n opinions. U all don't realise sometime what one needs is to be heard. All of Ur suggestions made me think in all possible ways n giving me hope n encouragement. Bye.

Anusha2917 · Sep 3, 2019

Is he comparing his lady friend with you and coming to you and asking you to lose weight ? That was the first thing which came to my mind.. Anyways .

Op you don't have to divorce him. But have a dialogue with him.
I have never handled a situation of spouse getting close with opposite sex.
But reading yours if I were you I would sit and talk to him on how uncomfortable I am with his closeness to an other lady . Give him an ultimatum that NO his expectation that you should work towards being like a model will not work. Don't budge for such things. I mean why keep such expectations in the first place .
As you have mentioned continue your journey towards healthy lifestyle and have conversation with him to make things fall in place.

Just curious : does he have a good body and looks of Hrithik Roshan? Does he hit the gym on a regular basis to maintain his abs and biceps? Or to at least maintain being fit as a healthy lifestyle?

You can choose to ignore these questions. It's something for you to ponder that he cannot pressurise you to have a certain kind of body (thin, slim, fat ,model type etc)

ashneys · Sep 3, 2019

I personally know someone who pushes her husband to be fit n dress young. She’s fitness conscious n dresses young n she used to hate the way her dh looked n dressed. She used to taunt him about how fat he was, even publicly as a joke sometimes (like a funny thing).

A few years later when I saw them, he had lost a lot of weight n was wearing whatever ‘young’ clothes she has picked. Maybe he was a lil uncomfortable but he looked much happier than before. News was that they both were much happier now because of this change.

It’s definitely not a question about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’! Because that varies from person to person, family to family.
So if you think that this is the only problem, then go ahead n fix it. It does bring amazing changes in you both physically n mentally, like a booster. I personally encourage all my friends n family to be fit n healthy. It’s never a bad thing, only good.

But this affair/ lady friend issue has to STOP. No excuses. No more talking. If you think a deal works or blackmail, do it. Only you know your husband better.