Ema- Feeling Miserable

mysonmyworld · Aug 21, 2019

Dear Friends,
I was living a happy married life till my husband moved abroad. he is working abroad for the past few years and comes home every month. we decided i will stay in India with my son because of school, extracurricular activities for my son,etc . my dh wanted to move back home for good in a couple of years. My husband is a good caring person but doesn't get intimate with me. He avoids making love as he has ED(40 yrs old now) for the past 9 years. we hardly make out..maybe once in 6 months. i openly talked to him several times without embarrassing him but he is not getting help from doctors. I whataspp him about making out and stuff just to keep things interesting between us but he doesn't respond. Its like he is not physically attracted to me anymore. I left it as it is and continued with my life until i met a doctor before 6 months. i don't see him often but we had each other's number. one day , i messaged him regarding a problem. one thing led to another and we started sexting in a couple of weeks. we discuss family issues, his work issues,etc.we never went out or met while we were sexting.he wanted to meet me but i never had the guts to see him in person after we started sexting. we never talked over the phone either. but I felt happy again after so many years because of the attention i was getting. we both know what we were doing is totally wrong but continued with it as it was addictive. his wife found out that he is chatting with me and they had issues. we both stopped chatting now but i feel miserable. He was very affectionate towards me but abruptly ended the affair. I am in the healing phase now but its very hard. We cannot chat anymore and i am feeling very depressed. We don't want to hurt his family or my family. please don't judge me.. i know my mistake . please help come out of this depression. i am unable to concentrate on anything and think about him all the time. I want to be a normal person again focussing only on my child and husband.

PurpleRoses · Aug 21, 2019

Hii dear. Mistakes are made by humans only. So don't feel bad about it. The fact that you understand and know where you went wrong is itself commendable.

Being deprived of physical intimacy by a spouse does great level of damage to the marriage and the bond between husband and wife.

For your issue, I suggest go to a counsellor as it helps a lot in healing emotionally.
Along with that, concentrate on igniting spark with your husband even if he doesn't show interest.
It need not be sex always. Intimacy can be even cuddling, hugging, kissing, etc.

For your husband's ED, get his blood workup done. At 40, there can be many causes of ED. Rule our diabetes/high bp etc.

SinghManisha · Aug 22, 2019

While I am glad that you acknowledge your mistake, I am wondering when does your husband realize his ? He is being extremely harsh by denying you intimacy, no wonder you got caught up in something like this. Isn’t it time you address this seriously and be very insistent on him taking steps to take care of his issues ? You obviously miss the intimacy ( not the person you were texting with)
If you think you have tried enough, do you think you are ok continuing your married life like this ? Separating will give you an opportunity to pursue a full fledged intimate relationship without the guilt of an extra marital affair.
Don’t beat yourself up over this affair. Your husband is equally responsible. This is a wake up call for you . Don’t let husband know about this, it will give him more ammunition to justify his denying of intimacy. I feel for you, I hope you find some peace and happiness.

Anusha2917 · Aug 22, 2019

Don't feel guilty or miserable. You have done this because your husband hasn't been able to give you intimacy.

Get over the fling. There was nothing wrong in it and try to work on your marriage.

messedup · Aug 22, 2019

There are two aspects of your situation
First if we see virtually nothing is wrong. You never crossed your limits in real and still an ideal wife and mother. Emotions flows very fast. They don't see the reality. If we lack something in life then it's very easy to give up and sacrifice for fulfilling the need.

Second in real that guy stopped chatting as he was doing it for fun and doesn't want to harm his marriage. If you people were able to chat for more time then it might be possible to meet him personally sometime in near future and flow with the emotions. It's better it stopped here only. After meeting him in real your situation might have become more worse. Both of you cannot leave your families and responsibilities. It could have become more complicated.

For this I would suggest you to first learn to control your emotions and try some self pleasure ways to satisfy your needs. Then try harder to make your h realise about this. Tell him to change or you will leave him for good. Talk to him and make more bonding with him only. This will help you to move on with your real life.

mysonmyworld · Aug 22, 2019

Thanks Purpleroses,SinghManisha, Anusha2917 and messedup for your advises and consoling words. I will talk to my husband again regarding this. He is coming on September 7th. Another problem i have is, my mil who is living in another city, comes home with her sister whenever my husband is in India. i spoke to my husband reg this already and he tells her about his visit every alternate month. whenever she finds about it, she gets upset and all emotional drama starts. when she is here, i am unable to talk freely with my husband regarding anything. she wants to come all 12 months when my hubby is here or want us to visit her.

mysonmyworld · Aug 22, 2019

i am feeling slightly better than yesterday. I deleted that doctor's number and trying really hard not to remember any of our conversations. If i recollect our chat, it makes my heart heavy and i end up crying. I always knew that this EMA cannot last long. but I never thought i will be affected this badly once our affair ends. Even now i don't know whether he lying that his wife found out or he himself wants to end it as it was affecting his work. He is a busy surgeon. Either way, its wrong and has to end some day before the families got affected.

Angela123 · Aug 23, 2019

mysonmyworld said: ↑

i am feeling slightly better than yesterday. I deleted that doctor's number and trying really hard not to remember any of our conversations. If i recollect our chat, it makes my heart heavy and i end up crying. I always knew that this EMA cannot last long. but I never thought i will be affected this badly once our affair ends. Even now i don't know whether he lying that his wife found out or he himself wants to end it as it was affecting his work. He is a busy surgeon. Either way, its wrong and has to end some day before the families got affected.
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it was a good decision. It might be difficult at first, but you will get through it!