How Many Of You Are Adjusting With In Laws For Sake Of Kid? Good Idea Or Not?

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

yellowmango said: ↑

Personally I have always maintained that all married couples should live in their own house . Everyone should be the king and queen of their homes.

Physically and mentally able parents of both sides should stay in their homes and not interfere with the life of the young couples.

If the young couple does need help during child birth and early childhood, the girl's parents helping out has a better chance of working out because the daughter and mother have a better understanding and less chances of long term harm to relationship.
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I agree Yellow mango...but sometimes conflicts arise when the DILs parents are staying with couple or very close by to look after kids when they work..like insecurities of in laws that their Sambandhis will make him as Ghar Jamai..and husband sometimes doesn't feel comfortable with in laws in close proximity but forced to agree to such arrangement so both can pursue career peacefully...

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

Topaz49 said: ↑

Children are our future and we brought them into this world and parents are responsible to bring them up so that they can succeed in life. If they see constant conflict growing up, then their worldview changes. What kind of an example parents are going to set for the growing children, let alone the fact that you mentioned that their childhood is stolen.

According to research it is proven repeatedly:
** A loving childhood gives them strength in adult life to cope better with challenges and difficult times.
** Children with love from extended family tend to do better in life.

Adult conflicts only deprives children of their love from your ILs. It is not always about "you".
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Yes Topaz I agree...I was brought up by grand parents...at the same time when my paternal grand parents were staying with us I saw how stressed and harassed my mother was due to their bad behaviour..the affection showered on my by maternal grandparents helped to make me grow up with good morals in life ...i really enjoy enjoyed time with extended family and cousins..but I'm thankful that paternal grand parents did not stay as Joint family with us for long...their daily dramas would have spoilt my childhood like anything! Such things really spoil childhood, many of girls in twenties are refusing to marry because they got negative attitude about marriage and in laws after seeing their moms being harassed and treated badly by their husbands and in laws..it's a fact and I personally know quite a few of the, who prefer to remain single and happy.

Topaz49 · Jul 31, 2019

Sunshine04 said: ↑

British only enslaved and tortured indians
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The efforts by both Christian and Hindu reformers such as William Carey and Ram Mohan Roy ultimately led the Governor-General of India Lord William Bentinck to enact the Bengal Sati Regulation, 1829, declaring the practise of burning or burying alive of Hindu widows to be punishable by the criminal courts. largely contributed towards the passing of this law.

These were followed up with other legislation, countering what the British perceived to be interrelated issues involving violence against Hindu women, including: Hindu Widows' Remarriage Act, 1856, Female Infanticide Prevention Act, 1870, and Age of Consent Act, 1891.

No matter your opinion, credit should be given where it is due.

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

Sandyr46 said: ↑

So here's what a wise young neighbour of mine has done. Yes its a joint family set-up. There is both MIL and FIL. She had twins. Initially both she and hubby were alone, both in great jobs. With the twins coming in she had her mum to help her around but then her mom had to leave back to Chennai as well. Her IL's are ok, MIL n her daughter who visits occasionally aint that great. From what she conveyed to me MIL and her daughter are a sucker for materialistic things. When the twins were born IL's wanted to be with their grankids. But MIL wanted space of her own. So this smart girl got her H to rent a 1bhk in the same complex but different building all the time supporting the comfort MIL was looking out for. Since the IL's wanted to b near the kids it was a win-win situation for her. She wanted her kids to b taken care off and instead of investing on a nanny or day care she was comfortable pooling out resources to help her IL's rent a space not far but not very close as well. She hired a cook who does all cooking at IL"s place itself. And they all eat together at night. So she resolved the cooking part as well. Kids are taken care off. Every Sat she ensures to take her MIL to a new place or fine dine, even encourages her hubby to spend time with them. Smart girl after packing her hubby n kids off spends a relaxing time and is all fresh to spend ample time with her hubby on Sunday. Now MIL has nutin to complain. Her daughter comes in she is all praise for her DIL. This girl keeps her SIL also happy gifting her tiny things often. Smart Management of IL's is the key. Manipulating and playing around with their weakness which would benefit u overall is how you need to plan. That would create the best win-win situation.
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Smart woman!
Win- win situation!
I really have a lot to learn from her!

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

Topaz49 said: ↑

This can be done wholeheartedly and sincerely for family/in-laws. With nanny, even after paying one worries about kids well being.
Here your kids are taken care of and you don't have to stress out, spending on in-laws comfort can be afforded as both work.

Why should it be manipulation?
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. When you do it with love, it is intrinsically rewarding.
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Yes it can be done whole heartedly when there is some level of mutual understanding and co operation from both ends..yes I've seen some happy families where MIL whole heartedly looks, after kids and allows DIL to do further studies and job..even support during pregnancies until she goes to parents home for delivery! .yes really..!and the DIL in turn goes out of the way to look after her in laws and take them to places they want and shower them with gifts because she is overwhelmed with the care and affection that she and her kids her...

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

armummy said: ↑

I am not contradicting you.

Simply putting a point for those who think mom Will be better.

On the surface Mother’s tend to go with what daughters want but under the surface they will also have issues when you restrict them based on one’s opinions or fear of husband.

And most parents of girls would not like to bear lifelong responsibilities of girl if something goes wrong between wife and husband , so they tend to be more cautious which Daughters take as agreeing.

Most mothers who come and help daughters go back with not so good memories because of SOn in law.it
Becomes mil and son in law issue.

What one needs is give and take , no manipulation , adjusting for
Smaller stuff and standing ground on bigger stuff and No competition. One needs to consider ILs as part of primary family by Dil and son in law ...

When either dil/mil/son in law/ mother/fil/father has this queen/king of the house syndrome and have a need to have a final word in everything , that will be a definite disaster ....

The care and luv children receive from
Grand parents is immense and the bond is special ... how much you can or want to adjust for this is each one’s choice.

You cannot have grand parents caring for children without adjustments ...
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Yes armummy many conflicts arise even when DIL takes help from parents it's just that they don't express openly and compromise..lot of times even mother and daughter fight over petty issues or becomes big argument..but they may make up as its blood relation while MIL will express her discomforts more openly and conflict may not be resolved so easily..if adjustments are made the kids can enjoy love of both sets of grand parents.

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

Topaz49 said: ↑

I agree.

This girl came to US with husband and brought her parents from India. We became good friends and many years later she told me all about her daughter. After the 1st time, she said to her parents that mom and dad must come separately for 6 months and she insisted his parents take turn also. In-laws refused to come separately, but agreed to come together. After 2 years she had another kid and these people kept coming until both started 1st grade.

They were very reluctant. Their enthusiasm to come to America dried up. They were fed up. Even in-laws kept coming and helping. Here in US childcare is very expensive. She would say, I pay for their tickets. One day her mother said, "who wants the free ticket? It is very difficult to leave home for 6 months".

The above case may be little to the extreme. In general, parents are comfortable in their own environment/surroundings and they too feel restricted and feel the loss of their freedom. Daughter's think mom won't mind, she wants to do it. Few days is fun and I have heard from so many of these parents that they are doing it as they feel they don't have a choice and they don't want to say "no". One parent even suggested why not we take the child to India and you can take the child back once they start school.

Some of these parents who came for helping , later on refused to come even when they didn't have to babysit. They wanted to be with grand kids, but requested children to visit India. This trend started in the late 90s when more of the couples were working.

Parents don't talk about their frustrations and in fact, there has been set up in some cities to provide emotional support to these Indian parents who come here to care for their daughter's/son's children. Some daughters even say, the children keep them busy and there is no time to be lonely.

There has been few cases of abuse also. In our culture we tend to keep these kind of things a secret. We talk about only "the wonderful".
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Even I've heard of this with relatives of mine who have sons and daughters who are NRIs..adjusting to different country and culture in their old age is not everyone's cup of tea..not that they don't love Their families but they are unable to travel like this.

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

SGBV said: ↑

My sister lives with her in laws, and obviously it takes a lot of adjustment from her end to maintain peace and sanity at home.
She sacrifices a lot. When questioned, why she has to adjust all her life like this, she says her adjustments are relatively smaller compared to how much her in laws adjust at her place, specially with the role as primary care-takers when my sis and her H are out for work.
Her almost 70 year old MIL runs behind her 1.5 year old active grand child, while taking care of the needs of other two older kids. Her FIL has learned to put these kids to sleep, and change their diapers at last now, as he never did such hands on role with his own kids before.
And they are sacrificing their old age requirements such as extended resting hrs, carefree life like visiting to village or pilgrimage etc.. But they adjust everything according to their son's and DIL's time table.

When two elders can sacrifice and compromise a lot for their grand kids, why can't two young parents do the same or some extra for their own kids?

After all, it takes loads of love and affection to come forward, and help with a DIL who is working. Child care at old age is not a joke. And it gives immense satisfaction for a working woman to focus on her career.
When there is love, there is everything. My sister doesn't feel like she is adjusting at all.

In my case, my PILs were clear that they can't help us with child care, even if that is only supervising the maids/nannies, as there won't be any physical task (like feeding, bathing, changing the kids) expected. They had their own routines of life, and they were not ready to change even a bit for us or for the kids. Period.
Now that, I too don't wanna adjust anything for them.

Exactly... My mother has moved in with me since I delivered my first kid. Since then, she has left her home, and everything behind for us. She is the pillar behind my success in my career today.
And it takes hell lot of adjustment to accommodate my 70 year old mom at my place. But it is still worth it.

In a country where day care centers or nanny systems are not upto the US standards, I am not ready to compromise anything on my kids for the luxuries of my personal life. Of course leaving kids with nanny or at day care would give me a lot of sanity than to handle an elder relative on a daily basis.
But that sanity is only short lived, because you can't stay happy or care free like how I am today, if my kids's childhood is compromised.

It is just a matter of assessing what suits you best and choosing the best.
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Your sister is blessed to have such in laws who make so much adjustment in old age..
Your mother also has to be admired..
When elders are so accommodating we also whole heartedly feel like taking care of them in old age till their last days!
Your PILs made it clear they don't wanna help in child care so staying separately ...you're a shade better off than ladies who have to live with in laws who don't want to do even ten percent help even if extremely healthy and fit.

Needtobestrong · Jul 31, 2019

Topaz49 said: ↑

Irrespective of which ILs, the point is that "When two elders can sacrifice and compromise a lot for their grand kids, why can't two young parents do the same or some extra"

Child care at old age is not a joke. And it gives immense satisfaction for a working woman to focus on her career.
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True.

Topaz49 · Jul 31, 2019

Sunshine04 said: ↑

British only enslaved and tortured indians
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Background in history here might be helpful.

The British first established trading posts in India, in order to purchase spices that were much in demand in Britain and Europe. They first came to trade and not to conquer.

How was Britain, several thousand miles away and with a much smaller population come to dominate an entire sub-continent?

Lack of unity among the local inhabitants, technological advantages and a clever policy of retaining local elites in power and gaining their cooperation.

Partly, our caste system is to be blamed. In the absence of caste system, we would have all Indians to protect India not just the Kshatriyas. If Britain had been faced with a strong government, it is highly unlikely that they would have been able to establish their empire in South Asia. Elites sold India to British. Who were the Elites?

In 1700, the Indian sub-continent was largely unified under the powerful Mughal dynasty. This Muslim dynasty had conquered much of South Asia and brought a degree of peace and prosperity to the land.

However, by 1750, the Mughal Empire was in decline. Even at the height of their power, they were unable to directly administer their territories and they often delegated authority to appointees. Over time, these local leaders became increasingly powerful and became independent of the Mughal Court. This weakened the Mughal Empire. The dynasty had also been undermined by the invasion of the Empire by an Afghan warlord who even sacked Delhi, the capital of the Empire.

Aurangzeb, an Islamic fundamentalist departed from the traditionally tolerant policies of the Mughals and this led to much resentment among the majority Hindus. This was to spark a series of Hindu revolts by groups such as the Marathas and further weakened the dynasty. Furthermore, he had engaged in unceasing war, as he tried to conquer the few remaining areas on the subcontinent that were not directly controlled by the Mughals. The cost of his wars was ruinous and they left the Mughal Empire almost bankrupt.

In reality, power was now in the hands of a multitude of Muslim and Hindu local rulers, known as Rajahs or Sultans. India was politically fragmented by the time that the British started to expand in India and this greatly facilitated their growing influence in the sub-continent, eventually rule India .