Accepting Kids As Who They Are

SGBV · Jul 25, 2019

Dear parents,

I have a problem running in my mind. And I need your guidance as experienced parents here.

I was one intelligent kid back in my School days. I have always been the class topper as a kid. But later, I became a back bencher and enjoyed college life to the fullest. Even then, I had better control of my studies; hence became a class holder in the campus.
I, still am considered as an intelligent and successful staff member in my work place. Hence I climb the career ladder quite easily than many others.

Therefore, I happen to see my children's lives through the same lens that I used to see the world earlier.
I immensely want my kids to excel in studies, and to become class toppers. I want them to have fullest control of their studies to enjoy life later.
I know, it is nothing wrong in wishing so. After all, many mothers have this kind of wishes for their kids.
But I do act on these wishes seriously.

I put them on great schools, send them to excellent coaching centers, and buy them whatever the papers and equipment to ease their studies.
I spend a lot of time studying with them, helping with their home works etc...
And I make sure my mom takes extra effort to do the same when I am not around.

With that, my DD, who is just 6, excels in studies as a class topper. Hence I am highly satisfied about her.
But when it comes to my son, who is just 9, I am disappointed. He is just an average kid. Who scores 60-70% and stays in the middle in his class.
He is intelligent too, but he doesn't have the motive or interest to study on his own. He often feels burdened whenever I force him to study.
He is OK with where he stands, and enjoys his childhood otherwise.

As an educated mother, I should know that each kid is different, and it is OK for my son to be average in his studies. I should discover his other abilities, and help him excel in that.
Of course I do that too, and make sure I keep my disappointments and emotions within myself and not before my son. I always appreciate him for whatever his scores and encourage him to do more.
Nevertheless, I need assistance to better control my emotions to be a better mother for him down the line.

It pains a lot when he comes home and say that he has been not selected for this or that competition. That too after I have put a lot of effort (sometimes taking leave, and spending the whole day coaching him) for the same.
Whereas my DD gets them easily, and that too without my helps. Hence I am worried about my son.

I have a brother, who was very average in his primary school, but picked up little later and ended up as an Engineer. He is now a successful entrepreneur. He often calls my son as his replica. I would be happy if my son becomes so.
I know, many successful people are not school toppers, but their families encouraged them to become who they are now.

I should take a clear stand by now regarding my son. Feeling hopeless about him (despite the fact that he is still above average and there are many kids who are below him in studies) and often facing disappointments due to his misfortunes (not really, but he doesn't try enough) doesn't help anyone.

It is a constant conflict between how I feel and how I act.
I feel miserable, but act as if I am fine and happy for his achievements.

I need a reality check, a sound slap to realize the fact how precious my son is and how intelligent he is otherwise.
Just that, I lose myself to the social pressure, and I invest a lot more and more on his studies to somehow make my dreams about him being topper in school come true. I know that I have started disturbing my kiddo someway or the other, and it has to stop now.

I need clear advice here.

rachaputi · Jul 25, 2019

6 and 9(you mean age)? Are you worrying little early?

SGBV · Jul 25, 2019

rachaputi said: ↑

6 and 9(you mean age)? Are you worrying little early?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately yes.
They are too young... And it is too early to determine their ability or lack of it.
And I know they are kids, and they need to enjoy childhood.
And I am extremely busy with my career and so many other things that I do for my family. So, having no time to sit or spend extra to coach them more than this.

My problem is my inability accept this.
Somewhere in my mind, I want them to be toppers, so I try even harder by spending more hrs of coaching, or sending them to extra classes.
With efforts, grows the expectations. That's where I get all the disappointments when things don't turn my way.

deeparull · Jul 25, 2019

Hi
You are a mother and nothing wrong to have these emotions and feelings. Congrats for being a successful person at school; college nd work.
My son is just joining college.. so with my experience i think ill share a few points. Even i had all the feelings you had.. not to be the topper but atleast in the first five places. Used to sit with him but after 4 th standard his grades was not the top. My husband was pretty ok but i wasnt quite happy. And many times i used to get feedback that he is able to solve only direct problems nd he is not able to apply logic nd stuff. And as a mom i wanted him to get into top colleges like IIT or BITS but without logical thinking how can he? He was never interested in Olympiads even though i used to push him. One point i decided he is my son nd let me accept him for what he is and the scores doesn’t matter after all.
He was in 10th and i dont know from where he got the seriousness he worked hard nd got 10 CGPA. Then 11th nd 12th he went to one of the best coaching institute; studied really hard. Of course there were days when he used to feel so burdened with coaching centre nd school nd used to say that he will give up but that was the time i used to pitch in gave him lot of motivation sometimes left to him to decide and he willl come back nd say .. no i wont give up. Helped in putting his timetable; listened to all his polambals on how diffucult few topics are.. nd sometimes helped him on how to study those topics. Nd his results came; he scored 95% in his boards; scored pretty well in almost all the competitive exans he wrote and is joining one of the best pvt institution in India - BITS PILANI ; Goa campus. We are v happy.
So sit back; relax its ok if he is not the topper. Sometimes children perform really well if we dont push them.. and when they realise that they have to score good; believe me no one can stop them. Talk to him; encourage and motivate him always.. nd pls dont compare may be with ur daughter or any other kids.. comparison makes them feel really low. So just give him time.. and he will do wonders.

rachaputi · Jul 25, 2019

I used to worry about my son as he is average, but he is sincere now (of course still avg) but I'm relieved he understood. My DD sharp than him, but negligence..

Often I worry so much, and settle back after few days.

Try your best to make him focus but not stress. Actually I don't have any suggestion

SGBV said: ↑

Unfortunately yes.
They are too young... And it is too early to determine their ability or lack of it.
And I know they are kids, and they need to enjoy childhood.
And I am extremely busy with my career and so many other things that I do for my family. So, having no time to sit or spend extra to coach them more than this.

My problem is my inability accept this.
Somewhere in my mind, I want them to be toppers, so I try even harder by spending more hrs of coaching, or sending them to extra classes.
With efforts, grows the expectations. That's where I get all the disappointments when things don't turn my way.
Click to expand...

Ashi1515 · Jul 25, 2019

Hello dear, I actually think you can't decide right now about your kids, and marks are no way a barometer for how successful they will be in later life. Indian education system is such that it favors rote learning and maybe your son is dismissive of this rote way of education. Maybe application based learning such as experiments, quizzes and games are his thing. So encourage him into those activities rather than forcefully making him study school books. Teach him by explaining things we see in everyday life even if they are above his level right now. Like explaining the concepts of rain and thunder when it's raining, or how plants eat, breathe amd reproduce while visiting a garden etc. These things will spark his curiosity and make him a natural learner.
If these things dont interest him, ask him to explore different activities and see where his interest lies. And then set him free to explore and enjoy it while gently holding his hand and guiding him along the way to keep him motivated. As a parent, while we want financial security for the child, our primary job should to be make them complete and happy individuals. Let them find their happiness and when they do stand tall and strong behind them. There have many geniuses who have been dismissive of school systems and gathered their knowledge and learning themself. There is no greater pain than to see your children Struggling to maintain society's expectation of success.
They truly are their own people.
And always remember, in today's world no profession is too small. Basic and standard living can be made in any profession, but happiness only follows those who follow their heart.

Yaswa · Jul 25, 2019

Hello mam,

I can understand your situation, as a mother i have observed one thing in kidzz, girls will listen us very fast and where as boys will took a long time to understand. So try two more years to explain him something in a convince way so that he may change. OR take somebody to explain him to understand it in better way, bcz kids will listen who they likes more.

I have done the same thing. Little its worked out for me.

Thank You.

Angela123 · Jul 25, 2019

I don't live in India, but I get the fair share of competition. Accepting kids for who they are or at least thinking about accepting is a great thing! Many parents will not do that. Remember that one person's successful - ness does not comes only from the academic achievements. May be your kid is way smarter in something else, which you haven't recognized yet. Observe him without comparing him to other kids. You will find out. Whatever he achieves or does not achieve, he is your little boy. 6 year is way too little to be stressed out about all of the above. As long as you raise a responsible, happy kid, that is the best thing. Sometimes, the best education and extra curricular achievements will not bring a successful happy life for him.

I think like this. If I push my kid to be the class topper - she might become that, but what if she is destined to be much more greater than that in her own way? Am I restricting her to be just a class topper instead of - may be a famous artist at her age or an Olympian or an entrepreneur or a musician? Having said that we should support and encourage the kids for whatever interests they have. But, because of love and sometimes due to peer pressure and society of course, we should not become tunnel visioned. Also, what about the kid's happiness in the process? IMO, help him guide his life and enjoy the process. That is not going to be easy though!

AppuMom · Jul 25, 2019

Academic excellence doesnt always guarantee successful or happy life.what we can do is motivate kids and provide all type of exposures and help them acquire life skills.my 2 cents

Radpriya · Jul 25, 2019

I'm going to tell you the other view. I'm like you always class topper, best post graduation and excellent professional life. My life standard shifted to upper middle class from middle class.

On the other hand my brother is average in the school. My dad had done all the maximum efforts that he could do to improve his marks. Many people discouraged my dad that marks decide nothing and so on. My brother became an engineer (i believe everyone knows current engineer situation in India)everything in his life become average.

Many days I felt if he did little more better in his academics his life would be entirely different now. So nothing wrong in your feelings. You are worrying for betterment. So everything for the good. I think 9 and 6 are not too early.