1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Helpless - Anxious About Future

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SKoundinya, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    friends it is a vent out. please reply only if you can relate to it. No judgmental replies. I am already sensitive and cannot take it any more..

    I am living abroad for 20 years. My brother is divorced, 50 year old and no children, mother living in Hyd, brother living in Ahmedabad working for MNC for 5 years, before he lived in HYd since childhood. Now after his divorce in 2014, he became calm and not much communication, no caring of mother, and not finding her well being, he doesn't care me too.. he is living as if he is not responsible towards the family. I understand he is feeling lonely and depressed, that's why been asking him to get remarried , but he doesn't reply my text or if I call just one word answers which shows he has not interest to discuss. we don't want to force him in marriage, atleast asking him to find job in Hyd and settle here and take care of mom. he says he doesn't want to come.
    Mother is worried about his future, it became very sensitive issue, we are worried about how should we this situation, what happens to property he gained and which inhereted from father..when we ask him he says I don't know.. he is just living leaving everything in air... we have no clue how to handle. The more we are requesting/making him to understand, the more stubborn he is becoming, I said last time in text, you are cheating yourself by not taking positive step even though your heart says to be happy, you are not able to.. try to discuss with counselor. he didn't reply.

    I am feeling helpless.. what is the future of mother and brother. what happens to hard earned money by my father.. I don't want my mother to spoil her health by worrying.. all these thoughts are making me obsessed. I know I need counselling, but when I don't find the solution practically, how would counselling help me in this situation. please advice.
     
    Loading...

  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,147
    Likes Received:
    5,088
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Have you heard of YourManInIndia - YMII ?
    It is a concierge service for people who live far away, but need to take care of bizness back in India. I have not used it; there is likely to be other services like that in India.
    Investigate, find one that is close to where you need to take care of things.
    Use one of those.
     
    SinghManisha, SKoundinya and Ramyarc like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    942
    Likes Received:
    1,235
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    couple of stuff here.

    this is just my opinion, as i heard from my neighbor (who is close friend to my H) after years of being dedicated to family, take divorce as a failure . internally it signifies about the failure of all the effort they did and gone to waste. now with no Kids there is no feeling of purpose for him . sorry at this point he showing care for you or mum is practically impossible and kinda selfish to expect.
    over that marrying another woman, might be emotionally hard. you cannot do anything to fix fast. ask him to involve in something he likes. spirtual or anything healthy.

    property stuff - if that is inherited to him and not you. if you can visit and liquidate or find a legal caretake who then will give or deposit the returns in bank. that should take care of most it. as @Amulet suggested look for those options.
     
    SinghManisha and SKoundinya like this.
  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,227
    Likes Received:
    2,354
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry to hear about this situation at home. it truly hurts to see your loved ones drift away, yet I have seen that happen to people who have undergone life changing situations like your brother's.

    IT's okay if he doesn't want to go to Hyd. It's probably because he wants no connection to the place where he has had bad memories. Forget about properties for a little while.Focus on your brother. Nagging at him, complaining is not going to help. You will push him further away. Can you talk to him on neutral subjects? health, national politics, anything else that you guys used to enjoy discussing before all of this happened? Do not refer to re-marriage, taking care of mom, property, etc that he does not want to hear about. Can your mom go visit him once in a while or perhaps move in with him? They can keep each other company. Of course she also has to follow the rules of avoiding controversial subjects. Can you call him and ask how he is? Visit by yourself so he feels like his childhood (when he was happier) is back.

    Time heals everything. GIve him time. His and your's. Wishing you and your family the very best
     
    SinghManisha and SKoundinya like this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    People deal with grief differently. N your brother is dealing with this in his way.

    Him moving away from Hyd
    Him being in minimal contact with you n mom
    Shows...
    that he doesn’t want to live in the same place
    he doesn’t want you both involved in his life
    he wants to be away

    You pushing about returning, taking care of mom, property stuff will only push him even further away from you all.

    Does he blame you or your mom for his divorce, even indirectly ? Did his ex wife say anything on that line ?

    About remarrying, it’s not as easy to just move on. I know many who remarried right away, many who took their own sweet time or till they found a good partner, n many who never wanted to marry ever. N your bro could be any of it.

    About property, since he’s divorced n has no child, I think it will come to you n your mom legally after him. Maybe check with a lawyer.

    About caring for mother, is it possible for her to be with you ? Has he been taking care of your mom during the whole time he was married ?

    My suggestion would be to give him the time n healing that he requires. Talk to him about his new place, friends, more common stuff n re establish as his friend till he starts to talk more easily with you.
    Once he’s comfortable with talking on the phone for atleast 15-30 mins, then plan a visit with him n understand what’s in his mind then decide on things mutually. Avoiding to talk about all these topics may help to rebuild your relationship.
     
  6. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    429
    Likes Received:
    250
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Your brother is only 50 years old ...he has a long life ahead and he will need his property in old age as he has no children. If a person has property,people are willing to be caretakers.

    May be he can sell the property and find a good retirement home ....or he can promise it to someone who will take care of him in old age.

    He has cut you both out of his life and he may have his own reason for it . Respect his need for space and ask him to just let you know he is fine.
    He is in a difficult stage of life and needs space to think over his life.

    As for your mother, you have to take care of her till he is working on his life , as you have equal responsibility .
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    You can ask your brother to take care of his property and use it to create a fund for his old age .
     
  9. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    thanks for sisterly advice dear.. thanks for inputting positive feedback. no matter how much practically we think of.. sometimes a promising and kind words will give comfort and strength.. thanks for stepping in and listening.
     
  10. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    thanks dear.. I will look into it.
     

Share This Page