Husband Overly Devoted To His Mom And Ignores Wife

Agree, buying Rolex for everyone in the family is not possible and those who are not watch collectors wont appreciate its value.
But When the wife buys Rolex for daddy , the next time maybe consider doing something for the spouse.
But unless one spends time with the spouse and truly wants to do something for the spouse, one wont know what the spouse is interested in!
Daddy loves the daughter to bits should not mean daddy must always get the best gift. The H who is going to live with the wife also deserves something really nice - according to his interests.

Doing nice things for each other is essential for a happy marriage. Now, "nice things" is different for different people.
For me, the first coffee that he makes is a nice thing.

Here, OP's expectation is that her H expresses his love to her without her having to ask for it.
It is not a competition. It is just a wish.
There is love in their marriage, else she would not ask for gift ideas.
He loves her else he would not buy mothers day stuff for her.
Its just that she wants him a bit more and is a bit possessive - which is all out of love.
Isn' t that beautiful !
As the marriage ages, this possessiveness blooms into mutual understanding and trust that regardless of in-laws, there is love for each other.

This, I learnt recently. If I have a problem with my relationship with my in-laws (which I dont now) that MY problem. So involving H is not a great idea. But if H's expectation is that regardless his parent's mean attitude and action, the W must respect and love and treat them with love, then, I'd say act smart

 

@sbonigala thank you for that new perspective. I never thought in 'that' angle.

 

Your husband is old school.
This is how most Indian sons are raised.

A son who shows affection to mother is a ' maa ka laadla'...,the good son.

A son who shows affection to his wife is ' majnu' ,joru ka gulaam, hen pecked and what not.
They are raised to feel guilty about loving ' the wife'. It is like changing teams.

The older generation thinks eating what is served and giving out a loud belch is reward and appreciation enough for the wife.
Bearing his children is a privilage.

Your husband is old in his head.
Have you heard this song..mein kya kahoon ram mujhe buddha mil gaya....



As for mothers day....give him a break for that.
He probably realised he never gave her a gift on that day .
Seriously...why do you women living in the west expect the husband to give you a good time on mothers mot?
You are not his mother.
The kids should make clumsy cards and make jam sandwich for you ....not their father.
Why put the burden of mothers day on him .
Same for father's day.
At most you should nudge the kids to take a paper and colour pencil to draw a flower.

Instead of mother' s day...concentrate on your anniversaries and celebrate those. He can' t share his marriage anniversary with any one.

Celebrate the kids birthday as the achievement of you two as man and woman.

 

Your post makes perfect sense to the logical side of the brain. Totally sensible.

But emotionally, wife should be the first priority. DH should have the wife's back at all times, anyone who ill-treats wifey should be put in place (not smothered in love and gifts). DH cannot blatantly treat wife and mom extremely opposite. Its very very hurtful and frustrating.


Kalyanam aana piragu entha side logic puriyum

 

my H has never wished myself and his mom , mother's day in since marriage. his answer, there was no mother's day before facebook and orkut. and kids still grew and mom and wife still cared and nagged as they do now.

annnoying but i buy it now after 10 years .

for a moment step out of your mil and H story. try to focus on bonding and spending lot of time with H. walks and share your love to him .

sorry this is how the world is sometimes , fight is not going to get you anything . you just have to win over.

 

Dear OP, Here is what I can tell you - You need to make up your mind that you won't suffer. You won't let him take away your peace of mind. That day on-wards, things will change. If he gives you bu**sh!t, you walk away. Stop taking it personally. Because - what he says, how he behaves, whether he is able to hold his own in the face of his mother's manipulation, how he gets influenced - everything is a reflection of him alone, not you. Learn to ignore. Take care of yourself. It becomes a lot easier. As you grow more confident, he will become more aware of his attitude and start changing. Sooner this happens, better it is for you. God forbid, if he is not the kind that changes, are you going to cry for the rest of your life? AT some point you are going to cut your losses and be happy irrespective of how he is ( I am not talking about divorce. your issue is not that extreme) . Why not cut your losses now? Be happy and who knows, he might want a slice of it!

 

In regards to mothers day, he is a son and he bought presents for his mum.
He would have realised that he never bought anything for his mum all these years and now he is doing something for him mum.
I think its okay.
As someone already said, expect gifts from your kids for mothers day.

In regards to the rest of the issues, you got to ignore your MIL who does not live with you anyway. You need to come up with how to spend more quality time with your H.
You need to work smart around your MIL and her complaints.
You are an educated woman and you really do not need a man to help you deal with another woman.
Don't pull him into the woman-woman fights. Men cannot deal with the emotional fights.
And hence they say - don't tell me about this. Thats their weapon to get away from the situation.
Your MIL is entering your territory and is disturbing your mental peace. You need to deal with it.
Your H wont see it as a problem because its his mum - there is no "my space" when its between mum and son.
I am not saying it does not hurt and its okay.
All I am trying to say is - it helps only if you act on the problem.

 

Its natural to long for more affection from dh and your feelings are genuine. But I think you are comparing apples and oranges. The love one have towards parent is different from those to spouse. In his own words, his father never treated his mother well. So he has a bad role model, his father. I realised the worth of my mom better when I became a mom. Same may be the case with your dh. He is trying to give mom what he thinks she lacked and trying to fill that vacuum. But it's really sweet of him to think about his mom on mothers day. Have you gifted anything to your mom. I have not heard of any grown up Indian men doing that. Most people I know dont give any value in celebrating any days( including my dh).
So I believe, he will be able to treat you the same way. But what's the issue?

What I understood is that you don't have any serious problems in your marriage other than those you mentioned here. Was he like this before. You said he is introvert. Introverts need such a great comfort zone and one to one interaction to connect. He has that with his mom and family because he was with them all these years. He didn't have that with you.

How long you been married. It take time to build a comfort zone with you and be what he is ( loving version). In this case, he need lot of assurance, support , encouragement and acceptance to reach that level. When one find faults with or complaints, there is a great chance to shut down and moving away from the person who is trying to confront. He needs more encouragement to shed his shell. So if you like something, appreciate and encourage good things.

I am an introvert, so I know it very well. I am sure my dh might have struggled to understand me. If he teases me I became very silent and goes back to my shell. It took many years to reach that comfort level with him. May be its difficult for you to understand. May be reading more on that topic on living with an introvert spouse may help you to gain more insight.

I think you are wasting your energy by thinking about MILs influence and there by giving her more power. You cannot change it. All you can change is your response. So the best strategy is to accept and adapt.

If you want to drive your husband away you can keep on doing what you are doing like complaining about MIL or demanding, nagging etc. If both of you complains, what's the difference between you both. Your husband is sandwitched between two ladies. So take a 180 degree turn.
Complaining about MIL, will never help you. She is not living with you. It's a great blessing. You know who you are. Do you need conduct certificate from her. NO. So let them talk whatever they want. Who cares. Its none of your headache. Try to reach that mind set and attitude.

If he conveys anything to you like complaints from her, tell your dh, you dont want to hear about it. If you dont have anything positive to talk , no need for negative things. Do this whenever he does that. Next step, stop talking negative about MIL. If you dont have any positive thing to talk, dont talk and control your urge to complain to dh. But appreciate if he do something good. Living in the past wont help anyone. You can say your mom is so lucky to have a son like you. I wish our kids also do the same. Or ask good things... did your mom like your gift. Next time we can do the same to both of our moms... like supporting him. He will definitely get surprised by these turn. So it help him to open up more. He will slowly realise, you are more positive than his mom even if he dont acknowledge.
Indian men take time to accept their wife as their first priority. It take years. It also depends on his family setup. So I am sure if you deal with this issue in smarter way, you will be in a better situation. Now so much power given to MIL. Take that away. Forget her , try to spend more time with dh, more intimacy, family time , entertainment etc.. Focus on your family life more...

Deal with MIL in a formal way. Don't take those things heart. She is insecure that's why holding her son like that...ignore that.
Focusing too much on dh will suffocate him, and in turn depress you. So focus on your own life, kids and slowly take control over him by love ,care and mutual understanding. I think he really loves you, but not able to convey it in the way you prefer. Instead of questioning or complaining, opt for I feel..I like..i wish...kind of sentence to convey what you want. You know what his turn on and offs are. Use that to your benefit. Enforce good behavior by appreciating it.

OP. after a few years when you look back then you may realise, how much time you have wasted to deal with negative people, thoughts and negativity or how you could have used that in other ways . So try to face life with a positive outlook. Take care of yourself well. Good luck.

 

Op, just because he thinks that,you don't have to accept it.
Tell him,just because his father treated his mother badly ,it does not mean you have to accept low standards from him.

This must really hurt.
This means his mother has the power to decide how your husband addresses you...as a loving husband or a stranger.
Why do you accept it?
What does interest of day today things mean when your head is full of hurt?
If you can get him to stop letting his mother interfere in this personal matter,you will be at peace and your relationship with your husband and mil will improve.

If I were in your place...I would find time to discuss this with him.Tell him you need to talk to him.

1) Ask him why he stopped calling you by the name he used to call you?

Tell him you know it is because of what mil said.
Tell him you are so hurt that he stopped calling you by a name that meant a loving relationship between you and just because of his mother.
Tell him this has made you resent your mil.

Ask him why he address you like a stranger ?
Tell him it is humiliating to you.

Tell him you want your name back because you will not let anyone come between a husband and wife and you will not respond to him by any other name and definitely not like a stranger.
Stop responding if he calls by any other name.
You may feel it means nothing if it is forced...but this is mostly to get your mil out from the space created between you too.

If you can get him to openly call you by that name again, you can get your mil out of your head.

Don't give this up in the interest of day today anything because it will not go away from your head and no progress can be made.

There was something I wanted from my husband which his parents did not want me to have and had brainwashed him against it.

I asked for it as a birthday gift....because it was taking away my peace of mind.
Told him he could either give me that or nothing ever.
I know you are not supposed to ask for gifts...but sometimes it is worth it. That was the only time I asked him for a gift.

Is your birthday or anniversary coming?

Then don't.
Give it back to her in a calm and respectful way or just walk away from her. If he can't be fair...then no point talking to him .
If he asks why you gave it back to his mom...tell him to stay out of it as he cannot be fair.

Tell him that.
Tell him words means nothing if they are not true.
Tell him to walk the talk.

Op....your situation is like almost everyone's situation.
Everyone has some or the other irritant .
Choose what means most to you and fight for it.
Ignore what you can .

Give him mothers day.
He is not your son.
Let him buy gift for his mom and let him talk whatever to his mother. If it bothers you...don't be around when he talks to her.
Don't focus on his relationship with his mom...focus on his relationship with you.

Best wishes.