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Husband Overly Devoted To His Mom And Ignores Wife

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by NidhiA, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. NidhiA

    NidhiA Junior IL'ite

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    Hello there,

    Am having a tough situation that many of you may have been too but am worried that I didn;t act on it in time and is destroying my peace.

    My husband is the silent introvert type. His mother is extremely cunning person and of her 2 sons she made one of them divorce his wife because she didn;t comply with the mother in law. Am a capable working woman and almost a super mom who takes care of most things for kids. My husband is very expressive showering his family back home with lots of love but when it comes to me he is very silent and dry. On the other hand my MIL keeps feeding him with lots of negative things that am worried is stressing our married life. My husband doesn;t talk to me except for basic questions like groceries, pickup drops etc. For mothers day since the last few years we celebrte it with friends where dads do something for moms. Ever since we started this he promtly started sending mothers day gifts to his mom, whereas he didn;t do it before years to her. The reason am saying this as example is even when a situation with friends prompts him to do something for his wife being a good mom to his own kids, he feels the guilt or need to make his mom feel more special and sends gifts to her. If he did this all along his life I would have felt ok, but I feel worried that for every inch he needs to do for me he feels the need to do a mile for her. She has done so many mean things to me and I in the past did not make a big deal of it or have asked him to question his mom. Now I feel inspite of all her mean things he values her. On other hand he simply ignores me. I tried bringing it up that this bothers me but he just listened and moved on. His only comment is that his mom keeps complaining that he doesn;t control me and he says both of you bother me. But he gets away with same statement whenever I question him. If he was a dry person with both I can say its ok but he actually is very expressive with her and I can see a clear difference. When he has an absolute need he does not hesitate to ask me but for my feelings there is 0 value.

    How do I deal with this? I keep quiet at home as do not want kids to be in a fighting environment but I end up being sad and angry most of time.

    On another note, his birthday is coming up soon and for my birthday although he doesn;t talk much he buys something easy. What is a beter gift to buy in such situation? He almost has everything.

    Thansk
     
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  2. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @NidhiA - the easiest gift is a greeting card. Next best is a gift card (from the mall or store you frequent the most).
     
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  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband probably has some grudge on you and thats preventing him from showing love.
    My ex-husband was like this, always showed so much affection for his family but for me he would just order some crap from amazon and wont even bother to wish me.

    His grudge was I didnt cook what he wanted or give my salary to him or didnt talk on phone with his sister/parents or didnt wear saree for some event or didnt clean the house etc etc. So many useless grudge he will hold all the time and escape from showing love. Some men are not comfortable to show love to wife. Period.

    So many women in same situation, only communication and consequences will help here..
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Were the children planned ?

    I am curious (FFI) to know why women, especially educated ones with a job/career and independent income, who do not have a good friend in a husband go on to have children with him?

    If children are more important than having a good friend, supporter, and an affectionate lover in a husband, then the "way to deal with this" is very clear. Good luck.
     
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  5. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    I have a far simpler question I think - why do women compete with MIL. Maybe that's a stupid question, but the mother loves the son to the bits - which is why the son is doing all he can for his mother.
    I do not want my husband-to-be to compete with my father and write a post on a different forum- "My wife calls her father the worlds best father and bought him another Rolex. Her father does not even speak to me."
     
  6. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    Every woman dreams of having an expressive husband who tells her that she is a good wife and a good mum.
    So I can understand your pain.
    Just to clarify your thoughts - you problem is not that he does stuff for his mum. Instead, your problem is he does not do it with the same emotion when he does it for you.
    May I ask, how long have you guys been married for?

    This happens. It is easier if you understand his guilt is his emotion. And he is taking action to manage his emotion.
    If sending gifts to his mother relieves him off his guilt, by all means he can do that. When every woman (in his friends circle) is celebrating mothers day, he probably thinks of his mum. Let him buy and you dont let that effect your peace.


    OP, how about you totally ignore his mum and spend your time and energy only on your relationship with your H.
    I have been in your place a few years ago. Trust me this works. I ignore(d) whatever his mum has to say about me.
    Mine is inter-faith love marriage. So my MIL never accepted me initially. But I never said a word to H because I understood , that more complaints I take to him, the harder it hits my relationship with him.
    I would ignore so blatantly that my MIL got tired and sick of my ignoring attitude.
    Instead of talking to your H about how mean his mum is, tell him what you think is a better gift to your MIL for next mothers day. Buy her something every time you buy something for yourself - nothing extravagant but something small and meaningful.
    He himself will see the difference in you and his mum - his mum constantly complains but you are doing everything you can do to keep her happy - and without a single negative word about her.
    Don't talk about her AT ALL. It's hard, I know. It takes lots of patience. But its totally worth it.
    Dont bring up her mean things at all, instead remind him to call his mum once a while. Ask how shes doing?
    When you talk to her, talk in front of him and make your kid talk to her too. Be respectful and courteous.

    The way to a man's heart is not always through food , for some men there is a longer route - called mum. Who knows this might actually make your relationship with MIL super sweet.
    You are a smart working mother - you got this buddy !
    If you need to vent - you know we are here
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
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  7. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    I apologize if the above question comes across as offensive or very naive.
     
  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    No it does not come across as offensive at all.
    I feel the same too.
    Having said that, lets not forget that a wife is not just a daughter.
    If the wife cant be bothered expressing her love to her H but goes on to buy Rolex watches to daddy - then it shows that she is definitely aware of ways to show love but she is being selectively aware to whom she wants to show love.
    Is it too much if the H thinks he deserves some honest appreciation, in such case?
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Indus Laddies ? :wink1:
    Anyhow... isn't the Electra Complex more common among the wealthy, where the girl had been raised "a princess", and at the very small slight, she'd call her parents (likely the daddy) to tell him about it ? For middle and poor economic classes, the girl is usually stuck in a situation where she would have just the one option-- get along with whatever she gets dished out to her at the marital home, and hope things would turn out OK eventually. And pray that "the eventually" would come sooner than later.
     
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  10. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @sbonigala, equal and same are different things. For example, my father is a watch collector and I know he will enjoy a Rolex. My husband might have other interests and I might get him something else (I think) he would enjoy. There are also people who cannot afford getting a Rolex for everyone in the family at the same time.

    The point I wanted to make is - if someone treats me badly, then that's my equation with that person. Why am I expecting my spouse to retaliate and be a meanie to that person. Especially when that person is my spouse's parent.
    Then again - all if this is coming from a place of naivity and no experience at marriage. I think once I get married, the women of IL will tell me "Appadi vaayadiniye" <how to translate this gem>
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019

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