Something To Vent

Gayatri, both of my kids love their dad more than they love me. Dad let’s them get their way all the time.
I am guilty of loving my dad more than I love my mom.
Don’t take this personally as a rejection, do what you normally do without stressing over it.

 

Gayatri: don't think negative...try to create a bond with them..I hope this will too pass

 

Your daughter's attachment to her father is due to him being the fun parent and also him being away for many days together. I think it is good to have someone like a grandparent to just pamper a child. When an aunt or grandparent is unavailable, one of the parents can be that person. But it is also essential that you play the vital role of parenting as well. There is a saying in tamil that children should be treated like kings up until the age of 5. So you can also relax a bit, pamper her often, especially when she is missing her dad.

Children are perceptive and though they gravitate towards fun they also know what is good for them especially if you explain the reasons behind your "no"s. As she grows up she will understand that her mother's love is what is behind all the chiding.

Let your husband be the more fun parent. But see to it that you agree and present a unified front for important issues.

 

Gayathri,
I know how you feel... My son behaved exactly the same way when he was a toddler. It is not uncommon of the kids to prefer a parent more, especially when they are toddlers.But let me assure you,it is just a phase and it is not personal. I remember my pediac telling me that it has nothing to do with one of us being better parent or being loved more...She may be telling you" I don't want you"..That just means I don't want you in this moment..
It will go away dear. Like you, I was doing the role of strict parent and my husband was really flexible with him.Now too,it is the same way. But he understands things better now... So I would say you just enjoy some me time,when Dad and daughter is bonding,because pretty soon tide is going to turn and she will be after you
Working full time and taking care of a toddler without any help is pretty hard itself and please don't be anymore hard on yourself. Cheer up girl!!
When Your Child Prefers One Parent Over Another

 

She is still 2.5 year kid and you should not expect her to sit in a place not to do naughty things, Kids means they will pull hair, pull toys,wont listen, scatter the toys entire house, write on walls, etc...

Whenever she does something wrong - don't be stern, tell politely or leave it. What wrong she is going to do ? - playing, doing naughty things, allow her to do. Since you are strict that's why she is not coming to you. Don't scold her, don't be stern, have patience and allow her to play with things which will not be trouble to her. Take her to park doing weekends or somewhere out , try this way so that she will be attached to you also.

 

It’s generally said that sons love their moms more n daughters love their dads more. I have seen it true in many cases, even with my myself n sibling n my own kid. So it could be that thing.

My friends who has two daughters, they say that both the gals r closer to the dad. N I see many sons attached more to their moms than dads. There maybe exceptions but these are quiet common.

But also understand that these are phases, they keep changing, parents preference may keep changing too.

So don’t take it personally. As moms it’s important to be both friendly n strict to our kids, there’s no one else who can do it. Don’t feel bad about force feeding or saying no or basically disciplining, that’s part of your role as a mother.

At the same time try to force your dh to atleast support your disciplining. It could be a simple “listen to your mother”. And let him repeat it to her. It’s important that your kid knows that she should take you seriously. Never let them take you for granted. That’s when problem starts n continue even when older.

Talk more with her, play one on one games that encourages more interactions. Goof around when she stops looking at you n get her attention, dance with her, tickle war, kissy huggy game, etc. Don’t stop the kisses n hugs or do only when sleeping, even when you are busy working, drag her n hug n give her a kiss. Hug her before n after work. Say squishy hug n play with her. She may fuss in the beginning but will get into eventually. Rope in your dh to help, make him kiss you on one cheek n telling her to kiss on another. Family hugs. Its up to you to get her comfortable with you. Let your dh knows that he may not bother if she avoids him, but in reality, if it happens, he will bother n that you are much more sensitive about it so he better help out.

If she doesn’t answer when you call, nudge your dh to make her answer. It’s important that you seem united to your kid, tell your dh to support you. If he’s not helpful, force him. It’s only for a while then your kid while respond automatically. I can understand how hurtful this all actually can be. You Crying won’t help, but taking action will help. Find ways to fix it before it’s too late n she gets uncomfortable with your affection.

As she gets older, talk more, hold her hands, shoulders, ask about her day or whatnots, just talk, as I feel that communication really helps n they will share more as they get older n it creates a bond.

 

Dear Gayathri,

I can understand how you feel. Keep two things in mind.

1)Kids keep changing their preference. Remember. "Talk to her". Yes keep on talking to your kid. Even it is for 1 minute or 10 minutes. Keep talking to her level, singing her songs, playing games which she likes, reading books to her. Spend quality time. Be her best friend. Be at her level. Your baby is trying to relate. She sense you are a strict parent and her dad is more fun. (Trust me this is the scenario 80% of the home. Very normal thing.

2) Make sure you and your h is on the same page. You guys have same idea about everything from snacks to toys. The issues comes when one spoils and other get strict. So better you both have same understanding about what to give and when to give.

3. Follow a schedule. So your baby & you both know when to expect and what to expect. It will increase the quality of time.

Enjoy the bond between father and daughter. Remember mother is always special. Kids keep changing their preference. She will come to you.

 

Please keep doing this.
Children, especially toddlers, have a need to know their boundaries. And while they may not like you for being the bad guy , they sure appreciate it because you make them feel safe.

Ah, what can I say, that is you typical dad in the 21st century. Let them be mischievious , buy them junk food , give in to their tantrums - what can I say men take the path of least resistance. And worse still make "mom" the scape goat - "No cannot eat chocolate/ice cream/chips - mummy will scold. "

But you are a strong woman.
That is th biggest drawback of working women. We spend such few hours walking hours with our LO, who to love, play and teach them in few hours we have?

I faced the same problem - pampering grandparents, father, and I had 3-4 hours that I spent at home when she is awake - I had to play, feed( anothe battle) , and be the disciplinarian . Why did I have to be the bad guy? I also felt the guilt of leaving her at the day care was makin me a bit irrational. Well somebody had to. And guess what, it worked out fine. The relationship with her dad is different and with me is different but each equally special.

It maybe hard to realise but children love even the strict parent - deep down they do know that you love them and are looking out for them. In the moment they might be angry at the strictness. And believe me, kids are great manipulators - they know whne to pout, when to ignore and when to fake a cry to get it their way.

So yes a dose of tough love when needed is as essential as food. Make up with lots more funtime on weekends. And do keep sharing stories with her - our mythology is filled with them, that puts a lot of perspective in them.

And do dry up those tears up, you are one rocking mom , stay strong and positive .

Happy parenting!!