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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    Few years ago when I was newly married, his mom and sister made my life hell. They would insult my parents when they would come to stay over 2 or 3 days in a year at my place (they lived in different city) since in laws considered it only their home and I had no rights . Whereas when sister in law visited it was like the queen was visiting us (she also lived in diffident city )and we had to drop everything and serve her and made sure she has a good time. I was never told when she is arriving or leaving . Only told last minute that she is coming tomorrow and staying with us and I would be left guessing her departure date.

    After birth of my child the mother daughter duo would not even give me privacy to feed my baby and would barge into room with no knocking to which I responded by locking the door to which they started telling my husband I am always locked up in my room and it giving them access to baby. They treated me like a baby feeder ... as soon as feeding is done they would snatch the baby.
    They never gave me any jewelry for wedding except for few small earrings etc but had the guts to give a list to my parents of all their relatives my parents need to gift . They took away the small earrings etc too from me by telling me they r keeping it for some time and will return to me but it never happened. So I put my foot down and asked back for what my parents had gifted us during wedding and said i should be the one in possession of it not mil. To which they really got mad and my husband got mad and he hit me.

    Mind you this wasn’t the first time he hit me . He also hit me the next day after delivering my baby because my husband said he doesn’t want my parents around for few weeks after birth coz he needs to create a bond with his child first before my parents get involved . But his mom sister dad cousins were all allowed to be there . When I questioned this and got mad about it he slapped me in the hospital room .

    So after he hit me for jewelry I had had it and told my parents and one of his aunt that I am close to . Till this time he maintained a highly educated , vp level position in big corporation , gentleman type of image . When people found out the reality there was big meeting between his aunty/uncle and my parents and he apologized and agreed that his parents had treated me like crap and that we had a new job offer in different city anyway and so we will get our own place and I can live my way without interference and he won’t ever hit me .

    Since then he hasn’t hit me. First few months were fine , but this incidents has permanently created a rift between his parents sibling and me . We talk superficially but r not close . When he sees me enjoying or happy in home or making plans with my siblings ...especially then the silent treatment starts . Even when things r normal I feel he is not happy . He does take a lot of pride in his family and I think publicly admitting what his parents did to me to his aunt and uncle as well as my parents has made him embarrassed or guilty about somehow letting his parents down.

    He has also mentioned at times that he is afraid I might tell these things to my daughter and she will hate his parents. So when I am around he tried very hard to praise his parents to my daughter especially when he knows I can hear in Other room .

    Now when there is a fight he will bring only my mistakes up and will deny any wrong doing on his parents part (stuff that he previously agreed to ). Ultimately I think he tries to punish and make my life hell as a revenge for his parents insult etc. he cannot hit me or do anything like that coz he knows I won’t allow it . So he tries to destroy me by ignoring me, belittling me, giving silent treatment and never acknowledging with any compliments .


    The
     
  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, For all these suggestions to work, it is important that you stop waiting for results. You stop craving his attention. YOu be normal and behave as if he is NOT giving his silent treatment. Be happy. Smile and have fun. Basically, you STOP suffering. He is a father. He has responsibilities. He needs to fulfil his duties. YOu make him do that.

    If he watches netflix for hours, go to him, and say, I want to watch XYZ now. Care to join me? If he ignores you, take the remote anyway and watch. Make your own friends, join a class, do everything that makes you happy, independent of him. Never give anyone so much power that they can ruin your happiness.
     
  3. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    You are right . I guess for any change I have made in past I used to subconsciously wait for him to notice. Is he noticing that I am not paying attention to his silent treatment ? Is he noticing that I am having a good time without him ? Will this make him stop this treatment ?

    I guess I have to just stop waiting for results . They may never come . I have
    To live for myself . This is not what I signed up for or what I would have chosen . But this is the life I was given I guess
     
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  4. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Do you want to live with him?
    Take a break from him if possible.
     
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    There are too many unpleasant experiences between the two of you mostly because of your husband. This is not as simple as him stopping his silent treatment or noticing that you are not affected.
    This is a good opportunity for you to address all the issues in the marriage and let him know his behavior is not OK.
    Don’t let it slide away like it is just another harmless tiff .

     
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    How about a change in attitude? Do not think of it as "they may never come...this is the life i was given I guess".

    think of it as "this is going to work. may be today or tomorrow or next month or next year. but it will." Just know it will work. Think about it - he is also human. He needs people around. His parents and sister live far away. who lives with him? YOU! he can talk for hours on the phone with them. Then what? that will get old quickly. also, your child is growing up. he will realize today or tomorrow, he needs to get involved with the child. He will realize you are part of his child's life and there is no escape from that. he will have to come around. Until then it is a test of your patience and faith, no doubt. Hang in there and KNOW in your heart this will work. it will all be worth it in the end.
     
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  7. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Are u a homemaker Or Career woman? Try keeping yourself engaged with work. If you are fed up, do find a job in a nearby city etc. It depends, if a 3-4 hour break keeping yourself engaged in work helps, do something part time such as CSR, Social cause etc.
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Think of it this way... It's like doing what is right, without expectation of the benefits/results. Isn't that supposed to be the best way to do anything?
    We always have to live for ourselves too... it's a balance - and currently, many of us women just don't take care of the ourselves bit...so get back on track, bring yourself into the picture.

    Don't be too quick to assume this is your life... you can approach it like an experiment - do this, honour yourself...and watch where it goes...
    Practise trusting yourself, respecting your wishes and desires and needs, and taking care of them yourself. You will also develop the capacity to handle any fallouts of this.
    You will become self-assured, confident. You will be happy. You will become assertive.
    And see how this changes your life..!
     
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  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @newwife, this isn't silent treatment. Call it what it is: sulking.

    That's when you should say, "Ah! Started sulking again? Okay!" Smile and get on with your life.

    Since his image is so important to him, he may just quit this childish behavior once you put the correct label on it.
    .
     
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  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    correct! call out on his behaviour.
     
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