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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Agree. My comment was on this particular situation where the fight was between son and mom. OP's presence there, will make her direct that to her.

    If I were in OPs place , if MIL fight directly at her , if son is not present, I will definitely ask her to stop abusing parents.

    If son is present during head on flight, I will call dh and , tell "see you mom is abusing my parents even when I am not talking anything" , but dont talk anything back in his presence.

    Also start recording all her verbal abuse when son not present and tell her you will record , show it to son and report it to police with the record so better keep silence. It is better to ignore if it's silly things . Have a voice recorder ready.

    Also tell, I will treat you well when you treat me well . Do that too ,especially in front of son. Treat her special. Also if you like anything , talk good about her to dh in front of her. But if she starts , again, mom better stop , if you need good service and respect..I prefer to treat you well, but dont change that by your behavior. If she abuse you dont provide any service. She needs to get that message . Old people are difficult to change , we need to change our response in a smart way . Think well and do, instead of wasting energy on these .

    I am against any kind of abuse, but if OP wants to keep, her husband in her team, better not to be there when son and MIL fight and bahave smartly. Take a stand like, I dont want to be between mom and son. She needs to prove well that she is innocent and MIL is creating all these issues. But dont complain about MIL every day to dh, and don't update daily fights to him. The son here is like devil and the sea, an unfortunate situation to be in, if we think in his side too. So better give peace of mind to him also.

    I think MiI here is insecure, she was a single mom, I think. So OP should understand her psychology too and try to focus on her marriage . Also, convey to MIL and dh , that she will be there for her if she treats her well. No to abuse of anykind. No need to lower our standards to match with those abusers. Keep that high as ever. Convey message in a respectable way.

    Be yourself and sets the boundary correct.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2019
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    True...there has to be accountability .
    One can't keep feeding bad behavior with trying to win over abuser.

    But honestly ,in such cases,the son is the key.
    The son has to stand by the person who is getting abused if he wants to save the marriage.

    This is serious abuse ...not some banging of pots and pans in the kitchen issue that can be ignored for long.
     
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  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    very true
     
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  4. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    The best thing happened in this was my husband stood by me and i just yelled once, then he took the charge. I apologized to him later on but he said I did nothing wrong as this hasn't happened for the first time and I had kept quiet all the time previously. This was the first time I replied back.
     
  5. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    He has started doing that @yellowmango . Still not ready to move out or live separately. But from last 1 week he himself is not in the talking terms with his mother. I cant explain here in writing what kind of lady is she. She do not allow her own son to enter her room. She dont ask food or water to anyone in the house. Just cooks for herself and eat. She keeps on collecting the soiled utensils in the kitchen sink and will not wash them , ultimately I have to do that. she scold in every second. The kind of abusive language she use in our native language is the one related to sexual terms and what not, she even called me prostitute :( .

    She has recently created another scene. My sister visited me and when she left the house , she found some rice wrapped in a red cloth in her wallet. I dont know if my MIL did it or not but my sister found that thing just 5 mins after she left from our home and called me up for same. My MIL started fighting all of a sudden even when we haven't asked her anything regarding this. After that my husband is not talking to his own mother. My FIL is not in talking terms with her and told me that if your parents ask about MIL tell them she is mentally upset. I don't know whats going on in my life, but that lady has scared me with her deeds and talks.
     
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  6. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    I totally agree to you ... I wish i could meet you and cry my heart out after hugging you @yellowmango . you are the only person who is saying everything that is in my own mind. It is like I am reading my own mind's words through your post. I was married to my husband and not my MIL. If it has been expected out of a DIL to be calm and patient and change herself, why can't it be expected from MIL too ? I am not the only girl got married and living with in laws, there are plenty of girls i know are living with MIL and are in good shape. The keypoint is their MIL responds to their love and care , What will you do with a person who don't even look at you when you fell from stairs in front of her? What will you do with that person who will not ask you for food or anything when you are down with 102 fever ? and what if these kind of thing happens to you every single day?

    Do other people still say show love and affection????

    If yes then I am sorry I am a DIL out of you people's standards. I am a DIL who has a self respect for herself. I expect love in return of love. and 14 months is not a very short period of abuse and stress.
     
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  7. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Will do that for sure.
     
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  8. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Why will I leave the love of my life just because a person is abusing me and getting on my nerves. She has to take a step back. I dont want her to win over my life. Divorce was never on my mind and never will. If she cant control her jealousy then its her problem and not mine.
     
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  9. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Hold on @adisum ; Things are changing and tide will turn:)
    You keep your strength and faith and keep doing the right things in the right manner ..
    Eventually, you'll get your slice of peace
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't be scared. These things like todka etc only work on people who believe in them and are scared of these things.
    These are stupid things people do because they are weak.

    When I was in college ,someone used to leave a lemon with some sindoor hanging on the latch. I made neembu pani and enjoyed. Literally made lemonade with the neembu that some one left at my door.
    Nothing happened. Scored very well.:)
    Stay strong and if you believe in shivji...pray to him.
    He is the strongest and cares.

    Hugs to you dear.

    Now just stay calm and quiet for some time .
    Stay away from her.

    Try this if you feel it will work.

    After a few days ,ask your husband if he could try for a tranfer for a few years. Tell him it will help in cooling the situation a bit.
    Tell him it will good to have some peace before you both try for a child and the child needs a better environment to grow and that you are scared of getting pregnant in this situation.

    Ask him to quiety discuss it with his father as things are getting out of hand and you are scared. That way he will not feel you are forcing him and his father is a part of the discussion.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2019

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