100 Days of Positivity

I had a productive meeting with my supervisor, even though I was roped into doing a presentation by another Lecturer. I have mindfully decided to not to carry any hard feelings of the day to the bed. So I am focussing 5 mins to analyze my feelings before bed which helps me to sleep better.

 

Day 170 : not feeling very great. I'm observing that my irritations are being shown in some small things. I'm consciously trying my best to avoid that. Hoping to feel better in the coming days.

 

I don’t know if Siri is succumbing to be more desi or I am polishing my accent as ALL my (exotic) commands were cheerfully understood by Siri today even the longest — “Siri, can you play Star Trek, Next Generation on Netflix for me?” Kaboom, it just opened! Yabbi Dabba Boo! May be I should teach Siri biryani some day.

 

Day 1: Today i was able to control myself while removing the stitches on my knee.
In the evening , meeting my sibling made my day. Rona dhona session was postponed to evening. I am now feeling better.

 

You starkly remember two things about a person in your life: how you both met and how they had left you.

We grew up together in circumstantial bygones, but, to the latter, it was while descending an escalator in a mall with flamboyant dreams of conquering Iguazú Falls in our unexceptional phone call. Yes, we should travel to Iguazú Falls! We would affirm this to each other every now and then for as long as I have known her.

She is the only person who could hold a conversation nonstop for 2-3 hours. We would call up each other often, doubled often. She hailed from a loving family, married with an infant. She is the utmost cheerful person who was ever happier than the crazy me. She had dreams ..bigger house ...career growth .. and our staunch Iguazú Falls. I had assured her that no man could ever compellingly appeal to the extent of my settling down with him beyond the flirt or tease with him so after her 'grihasti' stage she could join me in Tibet where I eventually intend to retreat with my pots and kindle.

It was the following Saturday, a common friend called up. 'Have you heard about her', the friend inquired. 'I just read on FB', the friend continued. 'Messages are pouring in'.

I was not active on FB. So, I had no clue of the enigmatic blabber.

'What happened?' I inquired.

'She is dead. Fever, admitted in hospital and dead in 48 hours.'

During the ongoing call, other missed calls beeped and texts flashed conveying the incident.

Dead. But, we cherished regular outings. Planned to travel and glut ourselves till we sunk to the restaurant floor. She died just like that. I was not shocked though bitter that she died the same week with no portent. Full of life, she built passion and dreamy talk in her. They would plan out the mortgage and shift to a larger house. Baby and school and parenting and books and halwa. She was happier and dreamier than me. The dreams for another day!

Death at a distance does not prick as much as the betrayed death of that one you presumed would age with you arguing why the monasteries in Tibet might not have internet for us both.

Been a year. No tragic shock prevailed, not any traumatic grief that I had known, in fact, no emotional turmoil from the death but a strange and intense feeling of being alive.

We expect much oncoming life to load away our inessential dreams and silly cravings onto that fleeing ripple toward future. A wave after wave of desires pushed back! I will experience them. Not tomorrow but the day after!

All the aspirations I deferred in life sought urgency in the wake of this brutal incident, the science exploration and impulsive travel and playful indulgences to watch the movies of James Cagney, to read the plays of Chekov, to revisit Harry Potter, to cook pulav like paella. Everything I wanted to do later. I might have the time later but I have the life now.

She is dead. Not despaired at her death, nor removed from her death.

Her death softly lingers on me since the eternal plan to witness Iguazú Falls in the last phone call. A close death is what prematuredly awakens you from the sleepwalked living. A death is what pushes you more into a fulfilling living. A death indicts your own future for probe. A death out of nowhere clutches you to evaluate your own destiny.

I could either shelve my expendable dreams and silly cravings and travel and library for another day.

I could claim them some day but this death prompted me to fetch my adjourned dreams from an unknown future to the nearing today. Novalis, it is now because only now has been reserved in the uncertainty of the deferred living. The onset of 2019 has been my effort to accomplish the utterly ridiculous but beloved aspirations of mine.

(Edit: Few details altered to protect her identity)

 

I am battling with matlab code to create a 3D structure to visualise a dynamic movement. I was exhausted at the end of the day, strangely after doing the lalitha sahasranamam pooja I felt so energetic. I am ready to continue to crack the code

 

A sad week on all fronts and glad it's weekend already. Jogged 3miles today... Some fresh air and much-needed head space to clear the mind, I feel better now.

Returning home, spotted the saplings. Just more green around, nice really! The thought and the sight brought a smile.



Happy Spring, everyone!

 

For a night owl, waking up at 5 am is a challenge roughly equivalent to running 10 full marathons at a stretch. Firstly it is hard to trust the alarm clock. What if it does not go off? So it has to be supervised through the night. On the hour, every hour, if not more often. Then just as the mind decides to take a trip to lalaland at around 3.30 or 4 am, it is nearly time to wake up. No point going to sleep. It makes life more difficult.

But all is not so bad. I step out of the house and am greeted by a setting moon (top right). On my way to work, it is still somewhat dark. Well not completely. The horizon is a vague purplish pink heralding the dawn. I get to work. As I enter the classroom, I am greeted by a wonderful sight - the rising sun (bottom left). I can't resist taking a pic through the translucent green curtain too (bottom right).

Oh, I'll be missing 'moonrise' today. Never mind. I got it two days ago as I was leaving work late in the evening. My joys have come full circle. Waking up early is not such a bad thing after all - if only I could fall asleep on time. Some days the sheep seem to breed faster than I can count them!

And now ..... 3 days of blissful lazing around.

​

 

Day 171 : I was extremely sad yesterday but surely I didn't want to sign off feeling sad. So I sent a message to my best friend who is thousand miles away in another country . We have not been chatting much off late because new mommy is quite busy with her tiny tot . But yesterday had an elaborate chat and finally it ended in a conversation where we decided that I will be visiting her sometime this year .
So planning has begun for my trip in the fall this year .

 

Day 2: I have been able to walk normally. I have come out of the fear and put the step forward.
Mom's visit has made my day.