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Need Suggestion On How To Deal With Dad

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by priyajagadeesh, Mar 15, 2019.

  1. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you may have to get to the root of your father's need to build this house before you can try to change his mind. The reason a person gives for their actions is often not their true motive. The real reason is sometimes hidden even from themselves.

    It's possible the house represents success to him. Having walked away from his FOO, constructing a house for his son might prove to him and to them that he has truly succeeded.

    It's also possible that he's feeling insecure about the future. Your parents have invested in two kids who are living abroad. When parents get old, they care more about having family around than they care about money and hospital costs. Your father may be hoping that constructing this house will tether your brother to India.

    When your father walked away from his family, his parents still had relatives around. Since you and your brother are in the US, your father may be worried about the future. He may worry about day-to-day life and care-taking. Insecurity often leads to controlling behavior. This need for control may be the reason for being tightfisted with grocery money.

    Get to the root of his insecurities and reassure him about the future if necessary. Once he knows that you guys can and will look after him and/or your mother when the time comes, he might be more willing to let go of his attempts at securing his family's future.

    This is easily resolved. Ask your mother to agree with everything your father asks of you and your brother. You guys can fight your own battles. Get her out of the line of fire. She doesn't need to stand up against him for your brother.

    If your father ever finds out that your mother is secretly accepting financial help from you, his ego will be bruised and he'll feel betrayed by all of you but especially by her. Please be careful not to do anything that might drive a wedge between them.

    Good luck, @priyajagadeesh!
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  2. priyajagadeesh

    priyajagadeesh Senior IL'ite

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    No, My dad was not always like this, he changed about 3-4 years just before my brothers marriage. I initially thought he is saving money for retirement and never took it seriously when my mom mentioned it.

    At this point I have gut feeling that my brother/SIL's opinion doesn't make much difference. When this loan topic came My brother told my dad to sell the land as it is putting pressure on everyone. I should probably not involve and let my brother handle the money issue and concentrate only on making my mom's life easier.
     

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