Confused And Hurt

Your family is patriarchal and did gender discrimination. It must hurt you a lot , and affected you a lot. Now you know it's due to gender and nothing bad reflects on you- it just reflects badly on them. If it really hurts you then you must confront them about childhood- but most probably they will never admit or acknowledge. Some things you cant change - try to focus on your new family -your husband and kids.

Regarding adulthood- It seems from your post that your bro /SIL and your parents are now one family, as they visit/gift you together,maybe your brother/SIL will take care of them in old age and so the parents favour him. It seems that there is some cultural expectation that they have to gift you for every visit and it may cause resentment- tell them sweetly that visits are about love and spending time-and you don't want gifts.Talk to your brother explicitly and offer to equally share the responsibility for parents in their old age- financial and especially Physical . Let your parents know you will never do anything less than a son- and they will slowly realise their discrimination and regret it.There is no guarantee they will change because patrairchal attitudes are deeply embedded but atleast they will feel ashamed to treat you like that.This is my guess- maybe you are already doing a lot for parents, this is just a suggestion to make them realise their behaviour.

 

Hey @aahuti
First of all lots of love and healing to you.
The closest people in our lives hold this power to really be the biggest support or at the other extreme, strip down all our confidence. They do sway it either ways and then if our relationship is somewhere in between where you and them have a lot of peaks and trough in your lives, it is tough to handle these feelings of expectation and disappointment.

To me, one needs to evolve to a distanced third party view to gain perspective on how to deal with this hurt.
In this regard, @Rihana has dispensed, as always , exceptional advice to you in these lines

It is acknowledgement that we are seeking from our fellow beings but this is what gives the others power over you too! Also, from experience I feel that frequent interaction or confrontation on these or other similar issues would only leave things half baked and lead to deeper resentment.I think you have also corroborated this with your quote. So you know it in your heart.

Also, as you stated that you need her in your life for she's your mom and it'll be a see saw like this.

Its not that you won't ever undergo this hurt again, but if you start looking at it with the lenses on Rihana' advice, you'll be making it easier for your own self.
Once you reach this level of emphathy and strength for yourself, you may be able to carry out the regifting ideas without hurting yourself in the process.

This is again brilliant , but starts with the assumption that you'll be able to hold your self stoic when their response is not as per expectation too!

Again Marie Kondo is really awesome ! There's some brilliant philosophy which is definitely applicalbe to all aspects of life! keep only things/thoughts that spark joy! Make better use of your time whenyou self ruminate over people.

And in the end, just keep the faith and keep your positivity, its not worth losing it for anyone and it'll pay , It does pay!

 

@aahuti I can understand your pain. There are certain families in which a person is never able to satisfy others.Because others in the family have unrealistic and crazy expectations.It's their perspective and fault lies with them.
It is natural to get hurt and crave their love, but practically the only solution is to maintain emotional distance, stop expecting normalcy from them - just accept that something about them is abnormal. God has blessed you in many other ways- focus on that. About the gifts just return it- say you don't like gifts instead of pointing out.She may talk against you to relatives- but in life we have to be that much strong- because we cant please everyone.

 

I know it pains a lot. But you need to accept this.
Your mom and your bro did not love you the way you thought it seems. And they are being the same - the same selfish and discriminatory relationship with you. It is no wonder that your SIL chose to take the same side as per her H and MIL.
Just that, you have grown matured now to see it and realize it.

It can hurt... But you must rise above this to find inner peace with it.
Bcz you can't force anyone... Be it a sibling or parent to love you. It has to come within, and it is more than just blood or womb, but about thought process and wavelength.
That's why, at times some colleagues and friends become family and our family stay far away emotionally.
Acceptance is the key to overcome this issue.

Ignore them as much as you can... And more importantly try your best to pretend as if you care nothing about them... Nothing about their success, nothing about their problems blah blah...
Don't ever share any of your concerns with them either... Any means any, even if that means you won a lottery. Don't share!

Treat them as some 3rd party guests with zero emotions and zero expectations.
That means their visit should mean nothing to you... No jumping with joy or no disappointment. So are their gifts or treatments.

Focus on your immediate family... Treat your sons special, and obviously much above your bro. Same should apply to your H and any family/friends you have.

Looks like you are going overboard to win your family back in your life, but the truth is they were never in your life before. Accept it and move on.