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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey op.....
    What is this disturbing heading ?
    Don't be silly.
    Your life is precious. God made you .
    Please don't think like this.

    Neither your husband,nor his mother are worth giving up your life over.

    Your mil was always a rude ,uncouth, uneducated women.Such behaviour is expectedof her.Don't let this woman break you.Don't let her win. Don't let her drive you out .

    Talk to your husband when you are calm . Tell him how deeply disturbed and depressed you are.
    Tell him you need his help because you can't come out of it alone.

    Tell him you have done everything he asked and it has not worked....so now you want him to backoff a little and not force you to interact with your mil for the next six months. Tell him you want to try out this method. If she sees that he has given up on trying to get you to interact with her...she may stop her behavior.

    As for her thinking every thing is hers....in a joint family ,unfortunately ,that is how it is.
    You can start saving up a bit for buying your things in future.

    If you are not pregnant right now,then I would suggest you do not get pregnant for sometime. You are in no state of mind for that.Wait for things to get better. Tell your husband you don't want to get a child in this environment. Tell him you do not want your child to watch his mother crying in such a sorry state.

    Op....it has only been a year.
    In an indian marriage,specially in a joint family ,the first year is the toughest year . You have just crossed that.

    Hang in there girl and stop wasting your emotions on things that can't be changed.
    Stop paying attention to her behavior.
    If your husband forces you to talk....just go and say something normal. If she doesn't respond,tell him you tried and did not get a response. Then go about your normal chores in life.

    If it is possible, ask him to take you out for a short vacation for completing one year.If that is not possible,then just a movie and dinner date.

    If that is not possible,then go visit your parents for some days.Tell your husband you need a little time with them. Ask him to meet you for a movie or a meal outside while you are there.

    Cheer up girl .
    You are precious .
    Lots of hugs to you and hope you are feeling better after venting here.

    Do post and let us know how you are feeling now.
     
    vaasanthy, adisum, Cheeniya and 6 others like this.
  2. aneesasaied

    aneesasaied Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Adisum,

    Kindly respond back. We all are worried for you. Definitely the above suggestions will help you in someway. Especially in India the first few years of marriage needs alot of compromises.
    Divert yourself in things that give you happiness. Try to join some classes that will give you some ME time

    Cheers
    Take care
     
    vaasanthy and Thyagarajan like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, repeat to yourself. Your life is valuable. Your parents love you unconditionally and will never understand if you do anything rash. Treat yourself with respect, hold your head high and do not think of throwing away your life for unworthy people.
    Treat your MIL with the courtesy expected but minimize your interactions with her. Do not complain about her to your husband but just try to go about your activities. When you need to vent come to this site and unload your feelings.
    If you are not working now try to get a job.
     
  4. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    This is pretty much the state of most DILs who stay with their ILs. Even after doing everything to placate and make them happy, they are always dissatisfied. Trust me, though it seems like a very big problem, it is not. Just think that she is mentally unwell and talk to her the way you would talk to a mentally unwell person. You love your husband, your husband can't live without her and his father. The only solution is to tolerate it. With time, you will get used to it. You don't have to seek a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Most important of all, please please realize that this is not something to break over your head and it's not worth taking your life for this. Just go with it. You will be fine. Keep talking whatever you can to her. Talk about all topics like weather, politics, her day at home and so on. It is better to go in that direction than suicide.
     
    vaasanthy, nakshatra1 and Thyagarajan like this.
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Trying to take once own life is a serious issue and not normal. As yellowmango suggested above and Vishwa had similar suggestion should be the focus in trying to help than any analysis of MIL or DH at this time. This is just my opinion. Also, some of the other comments that focuses on the value of her life and awakening her thoughts to her parents and husband is more important than MIL at this point. In this state of mind, focusing might be difficult except if we make the person realize that we all care and the she is forgetting what it would do to the loved ones for the rest of their lives.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
    vaasanthy and Thyagarajan like this.
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:After 4.23pm of yesterday the (Monday the 18th), OP appear to have either viwewd but chosen not to respond or not have viewed at all the 16 respondents views and opinion/advise .
    2. I pray to Almighty to lend succour to this disturbed distressed depressed OP, BY CAUSING a positive miracle to save her life and lead her to happy state of mind.
    3. I am concerned and anxious as almost 18 hours had passed since she posted her announcement in our indusladies forum. I wish @IL_Admin send an email suitably worded to the OP PERHAPS IT MIGHT turn the dormant situation positively to benefit our daughter or and sister @adisum .
    GOD - IMMEDIATELY BLESS OP & HER MIL & HER COHORT.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  7. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    By doing such kind of things we women give chances to others to make victims.
    Whatever it is we have to face it ,that’s life and we should think that if we can’t change things ,,leave those things. Work on things which can be changed by you.
     
    Sunshine04 and Thyagarajan like this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey aditi ,
    Hope you are feeling stronger today?
    Hugs to you.
    Post when you are feeling better .
     
    Thyagarajan and Adharv like this.
  9. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your painful start to married life (((Hugs))). It must be so hard for you - living with this lady who treats you badly. And on top of that the husband who is supposed to love and protect you is pressurizing you to talk to his mom and make her happy without any concern for your emotional well being.

    If you are thinking of ending your life- you must be really, really emotionally battered. I really feel for you. It is not easy living with an abusive person (however common the in law problem might be, it is still tough for the person who has to suffer it).

    However, rather than give up on life because of a horrible MIL, I would suggest- fight for your self and for your marriage.

    The very first thing I would suggest is that you try talking to your MIL in front of your husband once every day. Just once, not any more. If she does not respond, make a wounded face and shrug. Make sure your husband saw your effort. Walk away if you can or if you need to be in her presence then get a book or do whatever you can to keep doing your own thing (think of her like a bad room mate).

    More importantly, for your emotional health, talk bare minimum with her in your hubby’s absence. It will be hard to ignore her but it will get easier with practice.

    Right now for some reason your MIL is yanking your chain and you are feeling all over the place being yanked about and disrespected.

    But tell yourself that the reason she is behaving like this because she is weak and insecure. You should feel pity for this woman who is so so full of insecurities and negativeness that it is spilling out towards you. She’s deathly jealous and afraid of the closeness your husband and you are developing and hates her child becoming a man.

    You said she disrespects you and you stay quiet. Why? I think it’s perfectly ok to express your opinion in a polite way and defend yourself. You can try saying your point with a smile and walk away without giving her a chance to reply. Also, Sometimes a silence and a blank stare can work just as well as a thousand words.

    Focus on good times with your husband. You said you loved him. I assume that that means he does show caring for you at times. Try talking to him when he is in a good mood and ask him if he thinks his mom is insecure. And ask him to talk to her saying that he maybe needs to assure her that loving a wife does not mean that he loves his mom less.

    Also try doing something nice for your MIL without expecting anything in return. Like cooking her favorite dish or getting her a bucket of warm water to soak her feet in if she is tired. If she says no or says something nasty- remember that her poisoned words are on her and your graciousness is on you. Everyone carries their own karmic load in life.

    Another tip- get out of your house and move. There is so much happening in the world, places to go, activities to do and friends to meet. Your MIL is not the center of the world, specially not yours so do not make her the focal point of your life’s happiness. Go for some exercise, get some fresh air, try cooking new dishes or learn a new hobby. Buy some pretty flowers and arrange it in a place where you can look at it often.

    Lastly- smile at yourself in the mirror. It might feel weird at first but believe me it will make you remember the old you. Put a hand on your heart and say firmly and lovingly to yourself - “I love you and will always be there for you. You are the most beautiful, wonderful woman I have ever met and I’m so glad your soul resides in my body.” Give that affirmation to yourself every day.

    Talk to your husband. Try and communicate with him. On this and other happier things. More on other things. Try and schedule some activities where it is just the two of you. It helps to build memories and live. If there is mostly positive interaction between you both then one negative one or argumentative one can be weathered. The problem arises when there are too many negative interactions and not enough loving or fun ones.

    Finally do NOT get pregnant right now. Believe me a baby will not automatically make everything alright. All that will happen is make you even more stressed and sleepless. Do not ever fall for that poor advise. You are in a toxic situation. Do not bring a poor helpless baby in this mix which will make it harder for you.

    Take care, lots of healing and positive thoughts coming your way. I hope you are able to protect yourself and fight for yourself and your happiness. Much love ❤️
     
  10. Adharv

    Adharv Gold IL'ite

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    @adisum sis though we are very much positive about you and your situation it is really creating unwanted anxiousness among many. We all are praying for your wellbeing. So Kindly request you to close this thread with a positive note.

    Don't forget this silly feeling of death is a complimentary thought for many during worries. It would be really dumb if we invest our precious time such sick thoughts.
     
    Thyagarajan and GeetaKashyap like this.

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