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Living With Husband As Single....need Advice Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Anusri13, Feb 11, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I believe this stage will also pass. But its good to empower yourself. Be positive
    It is better not to involve others now. See if both of you can solve this issue.
    [Let others tell whatever they want (here MIL or uncle), don't listen to it. MIL will stand with her son, even if its their fault, that's expected]

    There are lot of information on US divorce laws in internet. Some information may be here in IL forum also (goto 'search forums' with keyword divorce or custody)
    The Complete Guide to Child Custody | Divorce Knowledgebase (this site may give more idea)
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2019
  2. Anusri13

    Anusri13 New IL'ite

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    Unfortunately not passed this stage.
    I have decided to talk to my MIL and wanted to let my husband know on the same and also discuss our issues before I call. So I asked that I need to talk to my husband. He denied on that and warned me to talk to his mom first and then to him.
    After a deep thinking and understanding that one side effort never works and marriage never works on conditions.
    Now I finally decided to Divorce. But I have decided to still make a call to my MIL and talk normally. Because I don't want to give an impression to my husband and the FIL, MIL...etc that because I am being stubborn not talking to MIL and going for divorce.
    In fact I have to thank my MIL, if not the argument with her, I wouldn't know 100% what my husband is. I may when I am around 45 or more...so trying to understand the reality that better now than latter and wanted to move forward.
    Please suggest me that how should I approach for divorce?
    Should I first tell my husband that I want it or should I proceed with a lawyer...so so process and let my husband know.
    Also what if he disagree for divorce. How should I deal that?
     
  3. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    @Anusri13 ,if you have already decided for divorce then why do you want to talk to your mil? He emotionally tortured you all this month's so you do this and now you are bending backwards to do same thing. Why do you even want to prove anyone you are not stubborn? Please learn to put yourself first,your husband has been living as it is without any effort and he has audacity to tell you after four months that talk to his mother then only he will talk. Why do you want to prove his punishment worked on you?

    What exactly you wanted to talk to your husband? is it related to regular household running stuff or an emotional one as a spouse,if it is household running stuff you can just message him or just say when he is present.

    Are you really ready for divorce? If not don't straight away say divorce just tell him since it's not working its better we go on our own ways.

    You can message him or mail him saying you are tired of his emotional abuse and list all the things he has done to you ( if you decide to go for divorce this will be written proof)and now you have decided not to work on this marriage alone and looking for ways to separate and tell him clearly now you are done.

    Please do not bend backwards,and please think first of ways to become independent financially as well as emotionally.

    No one will make any effort if they know other person will always give in,for once don't give in.
    If I were you I wouldn't talk to mil unless he makes effort and compromise and works on marriage.
     
  4. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I have been reading your post from the beginning. in a way it is good that your mind settled for separation.But, before declaring your decision to your family members, these are the things I would advice my sisterto consider.
    * Find a job first, settle in the job,for atleast six month and then declare. Be financially indepedentent ever. Even if he accepts divorce, you can handle it with more confidence.

    * Train your kids to be independent without your presence. Train them to do their work themselves. Be emotionally supportive. Your daughter is in her teens, train her on simple dishes.

    * Give your kids custody to your husband. This will do good for everyone. Do not make your husband easily eligible for second marriage by taking custody of your kids. You still can support them from distant.
    Indian are well aware of this, mothers are always mothers even if they don,t stay with them, but fathers are not. Once they find another family, they cut down financiaal support to ex and their children. Need to think wisely and decide on custody.

    * Prepare yourself to be emotionally detached and financially independent before talking to him about divorce.

    Whether he agrees or not, this will help you to face your future with or without your husband
    in every way.

    Finally, this was what I wanted to write, when I read your original post. You know his personality well by now. We cannot change anyone`s personality. We should only assess whether we can adjust living with that personality or just move away from them. The decision is upto the person dealing with such personalities.
    Will pray god all your efforts turn fruitfull.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Are you sure? Or is it an emotional decision. Don't take any decision when you are stressed, angry or sad. Think about what @Desiindian suggested. If you are planing to separate, that is the best to do. Because it will give the impression to dh that your are not going to bend to his demands. Let him continue his silence. Let him get curious. It will give you more time. Two things can happen, he will come to you or you get more power to face life with courage. Behave as if you are very relaxed and happy . It should look like you are least affected by his silence and its a blessing in disguise. You already living like separated. Enjoy this single life , get relaxed as much as you can, try to be happy with yourself. You don't have no other major issues in your marriage than a silent husband, he was like this before, he is not going to change now.

    If I were in your position, and if I am sure that I haven't done any mistakes (if I did, I will apologize), I wont go after a controlling husband this time, I allow him to continue his silence and also stop all service as wife. In the mean time I will try to improve and live my life, till I am ready to face new challenges.

    Look like your husbands tactics are working. What is the need to talk to MIL if you are not interested in marriage ? But he is obeying what MIL said 'control your wife' for the time being. Is he ready to apologize to your parents. It should be a two way process. If you want to work on this marriage, you can do whatever you want like taking to MIL or talking to dh or whatever. You are the one who knows what happened. But in future avoid your urge to argue with MIL as it create more issues with dh. Limit your urge to talk or fight with her too in future. I feel this is the main issue that create problem with your dh. Its difficult to change your husband.

    Wait till you are ready. I agree with posters above, Don't rush. Do you think counselling work? If so you can seek that option too.

    But if you want to talk about this decision to husband , then write a formal mail and send a copy as email that you are done with this marriage (make it a record ), why and want to separate. Dont text. Site the reasons, like you wrote in first post here like @IL86 suggested above. Make sure the mail is short (less than once page as people dont have much patience to read). Frame it well. See how he reacts. But be ready to face more ...Give two options, work on the marriage or separate. Some times men need reality check.

    But I suggest you to think about what after separation, its positives and negatives, how you manage, kids lives, finance, challenges of being a single mom etc.. Visualize it. That will give you a clear idea on What you want and how to proceed.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
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  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Anusri13 lot of posters have given you useful suggestions . Just to add, I think you are totally justified wanting a divorce but initiate a separation first. Indian men usually dislike the idea of divorce , they like to keep the facade of a happy family as its a sign of failure in the eyes of society , especially if the wife initiates a divorce. The minute my ex realized that I was seriously contemplating a divorce , he behaved like he was jolted from deep sleep. He went to great lengths to change my mind and proclaimed all sorts of promises to change , blah blah. it was too little too late and I had lost all interest by then.

    But in your case this might buy you some time - time to get a job , get a friends circle of your own, get your emotional support system in place first . In the end , the whole point of getting a divorce is to improve quality of your life, it shouldn't be that you initiate a divorce and find yourself struggling with multiple other issues , like the saying that goes " from frying pan to fire".

    So calm discuss with ur h that you are not happy in this marriage and that you want to initiate steps for a separation. Do actions that mimic your words. Discuss division of assets, custody of your children etc..( if he threatens you that he will take the kids, take it with pinch of salt, thats not gonna happen and neither will he want it) .. Be cold towards him and ignore him.. See if this makes any difference. If none, then just go ahead and work towards your independent happy future.
     
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  7. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op to call mother in law or not is up to you. You are the better judge of your situation. Others have given you wonderful suggestion. I would say try to gather your mental strength and clarity of thought. Take a diary first write down what's weighing you down and thn your back up plan. Do not underestimate the writing part it really gives clarity of thought and helps clear some unnecessary mental baggage.

    Try to go to the doctor and get some anti anxiety pills. This will relax your mind. Try to emotionally detach yourself from him. I am not in your shoes so I can only imagine what you are going thru but if I were you I would try to buy some more time untill I am standing solid on my feet. If you think calling your mil will give you some extra time to have solid ground under your feet so that you can make a planned exit from this marriage thn do that.

    Do read the thread lessons learn from my divorce in life without spouse forum, it will give you huge strength. Remember this too shall pass. First get yourself in the right frame of mind and thn decide what you want next. Wishing you mountains of strength.
     
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  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Amazing advice given by folks here.

    Just couple of weeks back you were craving for his love and now thinking divorce. Pls dont take emotional decisions. You have to go step by step to get your freedom. U cant jump from step one to step ten...

    First burst your husbands little bubble that you are not a doormat. Have one last and final talk. He needs to understand you are damn serious

    Give him a gist of what exactly you are looking for in this marriage - love care empathy support first priority etc and if he can give it or not. All this talk abt his mom is not relevant at this point. U married him and not his mom

    If he cant give you the relationship that you yearn for then tell your action plan ...
    1.get good job and build bank bal
    2.Do research and provide details of lawyer you are going to hire and date by when u are going to file divorce in court
    3.50-50 custody to share the kid
    4.50-50 asset split
    5.tell abt ur new social circle
    6.apartment community u are planning to move into
    7.how u want to communicate to the world abt separation
    8.how to protect the kid from the divorce process and shield her as parents



    Narrating or emailing this action plan and strictly following through will really wake him up. If he is still stubborn and doesnt respond by the dates u gave him then go ahead and execute it. No use staying and getting into depression

    He is just not worth it
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I would suggest not emailing anything and not discussing any plans until you are ready, mentally, emotionally, financially and legally. Emails can be used as a record, be careful what you email. Don’t email anything in your current state of mind. Once it’s typed and gone it is permanent. If the man can use his mother as an excuse to hurt you, he will use that email again and again to treat you similarly.

    Make yourself your first priority. Put the man on the back burner and take care of yourself. Get financial independence. Get out of the rut. Gain confidence in yourself. Get mental clarity and then make up your mind. All you know, when you stop letting his behavior bother you so much, things may change in your life.

    Seek legal opinions. Make sure your email passwords etc are secure. Make sure you track joint finances, if you don’t already do. If you don’t have access to online passwords etc, let it be. Don’t go and show too much of interest in knowing financial situation. If you have access to credit card statements etc, start reading those. Knowing your joint debt will be good if you are beginning any legal proceedings. Don’t bring up a divorce until you do proper ground work.
     
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Just adding to what others have said Please get a job and become financially independent before you can think of these options. I'm not sure but I personally feel you are giving way too much importance to your husband anger. Ride it out and stay calm. Do your duties and work on your future. You never know what life has for you. You don't want to start life from scratch . That is a very hard path and it is unnecessary path. Other thing I feel in your situation is if you have enabled some bad behavior from husband you cannot expect him to change overnight since you have changed. It took you x number of years to change so give him some time but send a strong message that what he is doing is unacceptable . I would say don't take any decisions now. Always remove emotions from situation and then make a decision. Please be selfish.
     
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