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Resentments Towards Dh Because Of Mil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadwife, Feb 8, 2019.

  1. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    I just hate my MIL so much. She may not be the devil MILs like others but she has and still says and does hurtful or anger triggering things every now and then. No matter how many good things she does, I can never forget nor forgive for all the things she said and did. I just wish I could cut all ties with her but my DH says we still have responsibilities towards her.

    I say my DH can give her money every month as always but there's no need to visit her often and no staying there. Married for 10 years but even the way she treated me on the first day of marriage is still fresh and lingering in my mind. All the things she said and did up to date are fresh in my mind on most of the days.

    I hate it when she comes to our place. I will be counting the days for her to go back. I will be disturbed the minute I know she is going to come even if it's 1 or 2 months away. I am so stressed thinking of her all the time and I worry I may go into depression. Mainly because I never talked back in the name of respect and also my weakness will never get points immediately to speak back. After some time I would be regretting for not telling off this or that.

    But recently I have started to raise my voice and show face. I also didn't answer her calls and spoke less when I met her. My DH is a very nice guy. He is not a mama's boy nor his mother expects him to be one but he and his brothers are brought up in such a way that they should respect the elders and no talking back.

    It's ok if they don't agree with the elders but just listen no screaming and shouting. So it's like my DH will not question her for something she says or does to me even though he thinks she was wrong to do that. These are minor issues but DH says if it's something really bad then of course he will stand by me but I am not sure whether or not he will do that.

    For all the things she has done to me (behind his back but I have informed him), I just can't digest when my DH talks to her nicely, visits her often, takes her out for dinner or has to sacrifice our family time to send her somewhere. She still gets her way no matter how she treats his wife! So this is making me have resentments towards my husband.

    He keeps saying he understands what I am telling but what can he do if his mother or others in his family do such things to me? He says he is looking after me well, he doesn't do anything bad to me. I tell him if he starts questioning them then they won't dare to say anything to me. I am extremely hurt, upset and disappointed because he doesn't do that.

    Now I am very angry and upset as DH needs to send his mother to a relative's place next week 3 to 4hrs away. She knows I will come up with some excuses if I was informed earlier, so she spoke directly to my DH when I was not around with her usual dramas she can't travel by bus because of the heavy luggages. I am very angry with my DH because he knows I won't be happy but yet he agreed to send her.

    I have decided from now on I am going to voice out if I am not happy with her in anything. But I can only speak up if it's related to me. I can't decide for my husband. For instance if he wants to visit her I can't stop him. If he agrees or willing to take her somewhere I can't stop him. I don't wish to control him and he cannot be controlled either. The thoughts that she is happy having her son still being so respectful and responsible towards her despite how his wife is being treated is killing me.

    MIL is a very influential person in their family. So creating rift between her will also make others in their family to keep a distance from me as well no matter how nice or good I may be to them. I will be left alone in functions unless DH agrees I don't attend any of their functions which is impossible I guess.

    Please advice ladies.
    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
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  2. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    MIL's know how to get things done from their sons. Somethings cannot be changed and this is one such , you will have to put up with this. I do not see any alternative.

    The sons will not even know that there is drama going around. No matter how much you try, iam sure you will end up angry. If you get anger, better get into something that makes you relaxed like yoga, meditation etc.
     
  3. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Op, not sure what your MIL did to you, but isn't she old and your husband's mom? can he just leave her? he is nice to you and he understands and supports you too so what is the big deal if he sends her to a relatives place? Are you the one who is going to drive 4 hours?
    You don't have a crazy MIL (u said it) so just let it be. When she is visiting you or u are visitng her talk her well and if you don't like what she is saying or doing, ignore. If it is really hurtful tell her that - that what ever she is saying is hurtful and leave it at that.
    If you try to create a rift or nag too much to your DH it may backfire. MHO just let it go.
     
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  4. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Let me tell you one thing OP, there are very few DILs in this world who like their MILs and vice versa. So it is not a unique problem or a strange problem. Please don't expect your husband to dislike her, he won't, he is her son after all. We all know the problem is not about the husband liking his mother. It is about the way the MIL behaves in general. From my experience, I can tell you, MILs are annoying. In your case, as your husband said, at least he is looking after you well, he is not getting influenced by her and abusing you - not telling you painful words or hitting you or insulting you and your folks. Many Mils are capable of that as well, they know how to poison their kid's mind to the extent of them creating a bad impression even after they are gone. As long he is good to you, why are you bothered about how he behaves with her? He is her son, he can't shirk his responsibility towards his mother and be with you all the time. That is not practical or reasonable. I don't know what exactly is your situation, but from what you say, it looks like you just don't want him to meet with her. You must realize you will also have these issues down the line, you have kids, or will have kids and they too will have spouses. Imagine if the spouses want your kids to alienate you from them. Won't you feel the pain? Just take it with a pinch of salt and stop thinking about it. Let it go.
     
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    You need to find a way to forgive people. That is art which you need to develop over time. Some things which can help self help books, talking to therapist, sharing with dear ones, religious prayers and looking at other positives in your life

    Sorry you cannot make that decision. He is her blood and flesh .Don't you think you are being unkind ?

    You need to build good memories to get rid of old scar

    you are wasting your present thinking about your past which is of no use to you. So basically you are doing the same thing your MIL did to you.

    Don't spoil your mental health

    Stressed about what ? is she going to kill you ?

    Worry about what ?

    Yes you will go into depression and spoil your life

    good for you
    If you are meek and quiet but it is not ok for your husband to be like that. If you don't stand up for yourself why are you expecting him to do that. You are the affected party why can't you stand up for yourself.

    Why should he question her ?

    You are wasting your life for minor issue

    What other options do we have here ?
    Well let it go
    About past and hurting your present

    be happy and chirpy
    She knows that is why she contacted her son
    Do it good for you
    isn't that the right thing why do you want your MIL to suffer ? Will you be happy if your husband ignore his mom and listens to everything you say

    Truth
    So you need her to mingle with his family

    C'mon be thanful for what you have stop giving your MIL so much attention. What is your dream ? Do you have any goals ? Work on your self . Learn to be happy. Be kind to yourself. If your MIL has done wrong things Karma will pay her back. Don't try to do Karma's job.
     
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  6. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    GlobetrotterG,
    He knows his mother is not a saint but he 'refuses' to voice it out. Calling it respect but he will get angry, question and show his dissatisfaction from the waiters to very high ranking officers.
     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Aren't most Indian husbands like him??
    She is his mom, not an outsider.
     
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  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    dsmenon,
    I don't expect him to wash his hands off her all together. Being old has always been an excuse for them to demand respect and get away with whatever they say or do.

    Reduce the visits and no staying over at her place as I am not happy with it. He must learn to say No to her. Sometimes we would have planned something. She would call and inform there is another programme on. I expect my DH to immediately say we can't make it as we have our own plans but he rather cancel our plans.
     
  9. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Not that I don't want him to meet her at all. Reduce the visits and learn to say No. She asked for it and she deserves it.

    My family gets along well with their DILs because no one pokes their nose in their sons/ daughters affairs after marriage. I wish to remain such a MIL so hopefully no issues with DIL/SIL in future.
     
  10. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    mangaii,
    I am not meek and quiet but he has requested me to be like that when it comes to his family just for his sake. Again his reasoning respect the elders. No need arguements and fights for small matters. Small matters to him but not for me.

    It's not that I need her to mingle with his family. I would be equally happy if I keep distance from everyone in their family, not that they mean so much to me anyway. Like my co-sis has stopped talking to her but still having cordial relationship with others.

    It's not easy to forgive and move on when things keep cropping up. Have to keep facing the same heartache over and over again.

    MIL had always favoured her other children than my DH. So I think it's not too much to ask from him to stand up for me. It's ok if he doesn't question her. He doesn't have to fight with her for me but just maintain a distance from her. Just do the basic duties as a son.
     

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