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Shy Toddler Is Very Problematic At Home

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by sanjuruby3, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My 4 yr old girl is very shy in public and never demand anything in school. She does not mingle or play with other kids other than her best friend which left and now she is all alone. I see other kids in teachers lap or dance playing with teachers but mine never does that. She never argues or fights or no complains from teachers means she is just following orders. But at home, she is monster. And has become worse this yr.
    Which is why we had decided to try for another one, thinking that might help. For everything 'no' and daddy.
    I need father to sleep brush potty shower everything.. won't sleep before 10 pm. Even with slight movement, she gets up sits and starts looking.
    Mostly she wants to sleep with my H and if he gets up for anything like bathroom, go downstairs jsut for 30 sec, she will get up sit and keep calling him. Same if she ever sleeps with me. I am pregnant so i sleep in separate room with softer bed.

    Morning, we get up to start getting ready for the day, she wakes up 15 mins late and starts crying..that how you dare.. Then won't get ready won't brush won't change clothes and wont eat.. Wants TV on and keeps crying I want TV and again drama.

    In school, they have rhymes singing, she will just sit and keep looking. No participation.

    I kind of understand the issue a bit... shy, less social and we also do got out a lot, low confidence but it is taking toll on us.
    We fight a lot for all these reasons and i am not having health issues.

    I am now thinking to put her on some saturday classes for sports but she does not do anything. I have her in dance class and she will just go and come..
    I can not blame at her all the time and i know we need to work on it. Also i know she is not the only kid who does that.

    Any suggestions?
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
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  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Make sure she eats proper nutritional food.
    Lack of nutrition cause irritation. She needs fruits veggies than maccheese , pizza, chips, sugary items. Cut down high sugar, processed food, less sodium, cut tv time to 30 min. It's tough in winter's to cut screen time. Try to being strict for few days. Most kids are like this.... Long way
     
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  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    Make sure that she is neither over fed or hungry, take care of her nutrition as @Vedhavalli suggested. If her tantrum is a recent issue, hope it will pass soon and try to maintain a firm routine but avoid physical punishments or yelling. It can scar her and tire you out also. Let her get as many opportunities to socialise as possible. If the issue continues, you may consider speaking to her Paediatrician and/or a Psychologist. All the best.
     
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    My H is telling me i should not focus on her food. How is it possible? She does not eat much at school so come home hungry and grabs chips etc, which her dad brings at pickup time.
    She eats dinner well so i try to feed her well. Then bkfast, its rush hour, i try to but not always successful. Problem is she does not eat by herself. She does not do anything by herself and way she treats us is like we are her servants, and need to be at her service, can not talk or speak to each other, only to her.
    I think its personality issue. Once I spoke we ped, you know how american way of up bringing is, doc said, put her to bed at 8 strict, and lights off. and she should be in her room.
    I think way she is behaving, she won't sleep alone till she is 16.
    TV time - she asks for it like its her right and won't let it turn off then. Then in front of TV she becomes dummy, eyes wide open, wont listen anything and we yelling to get ready, give hand or foot for dress to put on , socks, we have to bend twist to put clothes on her but she won't move.
    and way she yells ( i understand that we yell so she learnt that) then she hits us for every small thing. Her dad scolds her and she comes and hits me... and time outs never works.

    Outside, at school, she is quiet and dumb child. Follows all the orders and not very social or playful. School projects at home, does not care at all.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The problem is not the shy child or her stubbornness. The problem is your husband who will not say no to child, who lets her watch too much TV, who gives her the iPad easily, who doesn't believe in limiting screen time for child, and who does not understand why too much junk food is not good for a young child.

    Child has figured this out and so prefers dad.

    Children need, crave and actually appreciate routine, rules, limits, and healthy choices. It is sad that your husband is taking the easy way out.

    When husband and wife have such different approaches to parenting, it is really tough for the saner one of the two. For now, focus on yourself and the pregnancy.
     
    shravs3, MalStrom and sindmani like this.
  6. googleearth

    googleearth Silver IL'ite

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    Basically your daughter has figured out she can be the boss in the house, you need to break this cycle else it will get worst soon.
    Show her who is the boss in the house and how this kind of behavior will not be tolerated. My daughter is same age and initially even I had a very loose hand at disciplining my child but then I thought this is going to grow up and bite me more.
    Some pointers that were useful for me:
    She is old enough to understand point system or star system - my daughter would not eat food at school I made a chart with numbers 1-30 and gave her a star when she finished her lunch at the end of 30 stars she would get a toy of her liking now she looks forward to put those stars and get her gift.
    TV time is earned - this is still a struggle but I don't budge to her tantrums she can cry as much as she wants. In the evening when she comes home from school I give her milk and put on timer if she finishes milk with 20 mins on her own she gets to watch two 20 mins episodes of anything on tv of her choice if she needs more than 20 mins to finish milk then the extra mins are subtracted from tv time.
    It is going to be very difficult initially and I feel for you but be firm but kind.
     
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  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Star Chart really works. It worked for my older daughter, and I am currently doing it with my 4 yr old and it works!! We have no rewards to what a certain number of stars will lead to, but just earning a star seems important enough, at that age.

    I know it is hard with you being pregnant, but be ready to engage with the child in other ways, OP. With her kind of routine she is used to, yes... when you say no to TV, you have to be ready to engage her in other ways that doesn't require TV. Do a puzzle with her, build legos with her, play with her kitchen set with her, paint with her... whatever. But be with her.

    And cutting off the TV and snack is going to cause some frustration to the child, she is going to cry, but do not give in. Tell the husband to go somewhere if he can't see the child crying. But be consistent. That is the key. They will cry for 3-4 days and then they will understand that it is not working and will stop. These little ones are way more resilient that we give them credit for. It is the adults that are usually the problem with their fickleness.
     
  8. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    This is battle between husband and wife and kid knows very well how to manipulate the situation to get what she wants. You and husband have to become team and help her to wean her off from bad habits.
     
  9. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    thank you guys. I will try to talk to my H calmy some day. Its hard for me to make him understand something, you know unless he hears or sees something.
    Points/ Rewards did not work on her.. She gets what she wants and todays behaviour at school was embarassing enough for me.
    My H screams he is in her service from morning to evening, I tell him, i am in double service, I have her and other one and then myself to take care of with my health issues...what do i do.
    I will re-try that 30 start/points system and TV thing.
    Problem is whenever i put a condition, like today morning, she wanted tV, i said first eat 5 bites of food ( me feeding her, not even all by herself), she starts crying.... any sort of IFs that too coming from me, hurt her ego.
    H takes easy way always. Sat/Sun whole day he watches TV and she sits with him. I can do nothing about it.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That is bad... Dad watching TV whole day in the weekend... She is learning from him obviously. But, I want to say one thing. Such things (parenting conflicts) are there in many families, albeit in different forms. When my kids were younger, we didn't agree on things for them like applying sunscreen, wearing helmet when riding scooter/bike in driveway or just our street, brushing teeth & flossing each night, shower in evening (not morning), serious effort at talking in Indian language(s) with them.

    Last such battle was DD's 8th grade "graduation dance" dress length. She, poor thing, had not much opinion and was cool with any length. I wanted at least till 1 inch below knee, covering the kneecaps, if you will. : ) Dad put his foot down, and said get her something like most girls will be wearing (fingertip length). (Full-length dress was not an option for the occasion). He just issued the decree and was out of it. I had to go shopping with her, then help with the "prep" of legs and all, and how to sit on floor in such dress (not enough chairs during such events in school gym!).

    Once they are in high school, parents usually realize the need to support each other. : ) So, it becomes parents vs teenager only.

    I hope I helped and did not add to your worry. Such parenting conflicts between husband and wife are there in every household. Though of course, agree that yours is more extreme and he is not willing to listen to reason easily.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2019

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