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Stepfather Experiences

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by GodMySavior, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. GodMySavior

    GodMySavior Junior IL'ite

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    Hello fellow Indusladies,

    I am a single working mother with a one year old. My son and my work keep me busy round the clock and I have no space to accomodate anybody else. However my parents are pestering me to get married so that the child has a dad and I have a companion. And more so recently because I have a colleague who has apparently talked to them that he loves me and would keep me and my son happy.
    He is a really nice guy, very helpful and sensitive. My mom and dad each take 6 months turns to take care of my baby, and since they feel alone without each other, this guy is a good company to them. He takes them around during weekends and holidays. He has been to some of my pre-natal appointments too. So he is like a family almost.
    My colleague and I have been good friends since my masters. He proposed to me once when we were in college and later when we joined amazon. I was in a very draining and emotionally demanding relationship during the time. And since I was mentally exhausted all the time, I cut off myself from almost all the people I have known . My relationship ended during the same time I got pregnant, and I had no support to fallback on. He was the one who helped me talk out to my parents and work out things.
    I myself see no problem in marrying him, he told my mom that his parents happily agreed too and his mom wants to come over to take care of my baby for few months.
    Now the issue is, my son would have a step dad. I keep imagining things and always reach where he would ignore my son for his child and the look on my son's face causes me heart ache. And if we do not plan futher kids then he would hold my son responsible for crushing his desire to have a progeny.

    I need help asking him right questions which would help me understand if he would be a good step dad. And any such experiences if you have please share.
    I have never loved anyone like I love my son, just imagining him sad makes me cry. I sure cant live if i see him sad ever.

    Thank you ladies for hearing me out
     
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  2. VidhyaVi

    VidhyaVi Bronze IL'ite

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    Since your son is too young, it is not too difficult for him to register the new person as his dad.

    You can probably get an impression of how he would react later if you three, your son, your colleague and you spend time together.
    That can give you a hint.

    No one can guarantee how people will react after a couple of years. I know you are taking a leap of faith .

    But since you know better about him and have more chances of getting to know about him, I believe you have the best chance of asking the right questions .

    You can may be start by getting to know about his childhood, his siblings, how his parents gave equal love to both kids or otherwise.

    You can recount on how your parents or your friends' always showed equal love for both kids.

    Then you can may be tell him casually but firmly that you want your kid to grow without any sibling rivalry even if you two plan to have a kid sometime later.

    Then you can ask him for his confirmed support in bringing up your kid/s.

    I hope this helps. I just answered these questions from my perspective.

    Take this answer with a pinch of salt.

    Good luck,

    Vidhya
     
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  3. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Our kids are the ones we love the most !!

    I have heard about a couple of similar second marriages, where lots of compromises were made by the girl and her parents. Your fear is genuine. However, in your case , you already know the guy and he is family. So better have a candid discussion about your fear. And i suggest involve his mom too in the discussion.

    As the kid is quite young, he can start as a good friend by taking your kid out for play, dropping him at school etc.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
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  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    This guy has been with you as a close friend for a long time. You must have observed his behavior with your son. How is he like? Follow your intuition about this. From what you have said, he is a steadfast man who want to care for you and your son. Express your fears to him, and he will understand.

    Despite it all, I think each parent has a different type of relationship with their children- whether they are biological or not. This guy might be the father your son needs. Treating him differently from any future children... that may happen- but it might not be a biology thing, and could be something based on life. For example, my dad, is a doting parent with me. My brother (also his flesh and blood), never communicated well with each other and talked through my mom. I have seen kids with step dads who basically are their real dads- for all intents and purposes.

    So, observe this man with your child and follow your gut.
     
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  5. GodMySavior

    GodMySavior Junior IL'ite

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    thanks all for replying.. he is been very nice to my son.. they bond very well.. he is spoiling my son big time with toys and pampering.. but i feel may be he is doing all that for his love for me and not actually for my son.
     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello,
    This is a tricky situation. My advice would be to go with your gut feeling finally. But before that take your time to check everything. Meet his mother. Verify independently what he is saying. Are they really ok? Is she really interested in taking care of your son? What are her expectations re her son’s marriage? This is important to get an idea about.

    Also why is he so much after you? Try to get an objective opinion from your friends and others who know you both to rule out any future problems. you mentioned he proposed twice but you turned him down. Most men will move on after that. He didn’t. Some men can take such a rejection on their ego.

    Just make sure everything is indeed actually like what is being presented to you.

    As for your your son what you intend to do for him should be made very clear in a detailed way and agreed upon to your future hubby before you both decide to get married.
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Think about it. But don't take too much time also. He may move away
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    In a recent discussion with single moms who a financially well off, I found them discussing prenups. I would definitely check that out if I were you.
    Regarding this guy, you don't mind marrying him. Do you want to marry him? Ask yourself that question first before trying to find out if this is the right Dad for your son.
    Don't compromise because you have a child. It isn't fair on you. Marry for the right reasons, for a partner and companion. Someone you can love and share with. Life is long, in 18 yrs when your son is an adult, will you still want to be with this person?
    Looks like this man has been there for you through thick and thin. Once he is your husband, it will be unfair to him if you cannot give him what he deserves. Will you be able to give him the priority he deserves, without making everything about your son? There might be the need to have a child, at that time, you should be able to consider it without making it seem like his biological child may interfere with his parenting your son. That is what I meant by unfair.
    I hope I didn't hurt you in any way. I am a mom too and I would do anything to ensure my kids are safe and well taken care of. I would probably think exactly like you in your situation. I'm also a wife of many years and I can tell you that marriage is hard work and neither I nor my husband would have survived this relationship if we hadn't made each other the priority, sometimes over our kids.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Was baby conceived using this method? Is the baby's biological father in the picture at all? Pays maintenance? Sorry to ask, but does he know he is a father?

    Next steps would depend on the above.
     
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  10. VidhyaVi

    VidhyaVi Bronze IL'ite

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    I
    I am just adding to my previous reply . I have seem this behavior with single children. Some of them crave for a caring elder sibling or they wish they had a younger sibling to pamper. You can start your conversation with this basic point and get a hint of whether he'd prefer having your son grow together with the kids you'll have of and when you plan to have another kid.

    Or there is also this chance where certain kids don't like having another sibling around as they steal away their parents' attention. If your guy is of that type you can probably say that you can take steps to ensure there is no sibling rivalry.

    Again , all of these are only topics you may start to find out if he would continue to be loving and caring with your first son.

    I am not implying that you should have another kid with to this guy That's a decision you'll have to take after considering your options.

    Vidhya
     

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