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Am I Wrong In Expecting Help From Parents ?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Benadryl, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Once every 2 months or so, we do hire help - even if that to me is 'wasting' money. I only have my FIL. MIL passed away after a long sickness less than a year ago. They are shining examples of how parents should be, in my view. They are fair with their kids and DIL/SIL. And their kids always always always come first. Even ahead of their sickness.

    I think I am going to wait for my son's diagnosis (in queue still). If at all he is on the spectrum, I'd rather my parents not be around him. For the constant ridicule and the parenting tips wont stop. And if he has some other issue, that will be because I'd have refused to listen to my parents even more. So its better not to have them around, I think. There goes my thought train again.

    Anyway, I have asked - and I haven't received. One time I think I even begged my mom to come over for 3 weeks(has long term visa). Wife was unwell with high temperature and I was the only functioning adult. But she didn't "Dad can't live without me" - which is not even true. Many times she has gone off to her native to attend some ones wedding or funeral for weeks. Sometimes I really think if I am their own child at all. Sigh.

    I have read one get kinder to their parents as one ages. Its going in reverse for me :p Time to turn towards the mythological figure in the sky - if only I was a firm believer, my troubles would be less I think. :cool:
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You will need to hire more help and that’s ok. All your combined energies will be required for the child if he’s on the spectrum. Any remaining time you should utilize for your well being, even if it involves wasting money.
    Going for a few weeks to a place a nights train journey away isn’t the same as taking a transcontinental flight and coming to an unknown country to help with two kids aged two and four. Maybe that was the hesitancy. Anyway, bygones are bygones. Don’t dwell on it. Move on and see how best you can work with your current situation.

    If I were you, I won’t wait in a long queue to get the diagnosis. I’ll go to a developmental pediatrician or a psychologist and get the diagnosis ASAP. You will be faced with therapy wait lists, insurance queries etc. Don’t wait on a district assessment. Find someone who can see you sooner. Earlier the better.
     
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  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Firstly - there is no huge saving of child care expenses if parents come.. flight costs, sight seeing , gifts all end up very near to child care costs.plus all need to adjust and at least some loss of privacy

    Plus there will have their own ideas in parenting like potty training a 6 month old , which is not idiotic by the way, many do it in India.you will hear many more such brilliant to them and idiotic to you ideas coming out which may cause more tension to you

    You cannot force if they are not willing, did you try approaching your wife’s parents to come and help you.

    If sending money is causing resentment , please slowly pull back , no point in giving and resenting.
     
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  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I strongly agree to this. Constant ridicule affects the kid.
    Just hire help as needed. Even if your parents come here, you will spend on their tickets, medical insurance etc.
    Get diagnosis asap. Then you can receive free early intervention till age 4.
    Nice to see a dedicated dad
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, First of all, excepting your parents to baby sit is not the right way to do. It is ok to hope and receive help if they offer it.

    In my opinion, it's good that they didn't come. You should be grateful to them for that decision.

    1) you saved lot of money like flight ticket, trips gifts etc..use this money to hire help.

    2) You saved yourself from more issues that can develop between your parents and wife

    3) your wife can manage better if she is with you and kids . Else she needs to baby sit your parents too. Total 4. It will be too much for her. Did you ask her about it. Many parents expect warm and fresh Indian food atleast three times a day.
    [ my PILs and mother came here to help with my babies. They are nice people. But my work load was too much as I want to make sure that they are happy in my home. I could have managed better if they were not here. I dont know if my dh realized it. I am grateful for that help voluntarily offered. But I came to know later that many of my friends had bad experiences with pils visit and had a tough time. I will be happy if they come now, but they find it really difficult to travel this far and manage life in usa]. I am sure your wife will be happy that they are not coming here.

    4) As you are worried about your kid's autism spectrum, bringing them can create other issues and humiliation. In addition to this your parents have to struggle a lot to adjust with new environment. It is not easy for them to manage two active kids. It is not easy like you imagined.

    5) you and your wife can spend more time together. If your parents are here she will spend more time in kitchen.

    All you need is some planing to over come your current situation. Believe me, it will pass.

    Be grateful to your parents for bringing you to this world and raising you to be a good person who can manage everything by himself.

    Try to get rid these negative thoughts against your parents as it will make you sick. Be grateful for what you have and be positive. Focus on your own family. Less expectations lead to more happiness.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
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  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Nailed it. I spent most of my time in the kitchen...
     
  7. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    May I take the liberty to extrapolate what you are feeling?
    2 and 4 are an extremely tough age to handle together - I think you are overwhelmed and in your attempt to find solutions - you are assuming the answer lies with your parents and getting angry when your potential solution isn’t coming to fruition.

    Let me try to show you the other side of parent’s visiting. At the risk of sounding cliched - you’re probably meeting your grandparent-helping-famlies at parties/grocery-store/social-media - and seeing the rosy side of it. The constant CPU cycles in our brain allocated to keeping track of our kids, well-being every minute all the time - is completely draining - inspite of the extreme-highs these little beings bring to us. :) But if your parents are here - even if understanding and loving - believe me it means more CPU cycles in your head to track and handle and care for - two more adults on a day-to-day basis.

    1. Cost:
    - 3K ticket + 2-3K for a good health insurance + 5.5 months of daily expenses + an occasional vacation and return gifts: From some vague recollection of your previous thread even if you are already making this financial commitment to parents, it will continue is what I am saying.

    2. Privacy
    You can’t walk in to the home and kiss your wife. I know with 2 young kids that’s might be low on the list of things you want to do - but the fact that you cannot do it even if you feel like it one fine evening is a constraint both of you have to adjust with for a considerable length of time.

    3. Food and the kitchen:
    You can’t order-in on a whim or go with a easy-pizza for dinner and make a one-pot pasta meal.
    If your parents are like most grandparents I know of - they need their Indian food fix for most meals. So the rigmarole of dal-chawal-roti or rice-sambar-porial has to happen every single day like routine. (Irrespective of whether a cook, your mom or wife or you or dad will make this happen). Also kitchen cold-wars are bound to happen. Wife needs time and space to make kid-favorites. Mom needs kitchen space and time to cater to your dad’s likes. This is a new dynamic you and your life will have to learn and adjust with.

    4. Sleep-in.
    Saturday morning and you want to sleep-in? Once again if your parents are like most others in their generation you can’t just sleep in till 10am. You’ll feel guilty that at their age they are up and about their daily routine and you are in bed. I could some how even convince my super-active toddler to sleep-in but never my mom or dad :)

    5. “Clingy” kids:
    I don’t like to call a toddler this, but this is what parents refer to kids who won’t let go of them - come evening when they are back from child-care/office respectively. I think its very natural behavior for a child who terribly misses their parents for 8-10 hours of the most active/awake part of their day. They have no reason to budge for anyone else!

    Despite grandparents who dote on my kid - the minute I walk in - my son says “Mom's-side” (in my native tongue) and hangs out with me till his eyes close for the night. Every loo trip, he hangs out a feet away from me inside the loo - with a toy/book or singing or twirling on the tissue roll. And it doesn’t matter if grandma is in the hall - he wants to be in the kitchen and on my hips as I balance him and pick up masala bottles, open them, stir the curry all with one hand. (It’s another story that I giddily-love this weekday evening “stickiness”. :-D)

    6. Stress of entertainment
    I love my parents - so please don’t assume a bad relationship - even with my own parents I feel the stress of making sure they are sufficiently taken care of and entertained. Every or every other weekday evening I feel under pressure to show them something - be it Library story time where they meet other Indian parents/grandparents, the temple, Walmart, or the play area at the Mall or the park - I feel them being confined to walkable distances during the day - every other day or so I need to take them out. They’ve never asked for this (bless their hearts) - but it is self-imposed guilt and action cycle on my part.

    7. Couple conversations:
    At least some time in the evening and mornings need to be allocated to “tending” to your parents. And usually they end up coming after “kids” in the priority line. And so the “understanding-spouse” gets third in priority. This means you will need to work extra hard for the marriage quotient to remain in balance.

    All I am saying is your anger could be managed - by giving some thought to the fact - that its not all rosy even when grandparents happily visit and help take care of your kids. Given that your parents have to be “convinced” to come and they are “convincing” you to do this by yourself - is a good warning to let go of this.

    I’d say keep your parents updated of the cuteness and joys of a 2-yr old and 4-yr old through regular WhatsApp images and videos. Don’t do it with this intention - but if they can get a glimpse of some of the joys that this wonderful stage brings along with it, they may offer to come for a short, few-week visit. And then you can sample the new-dynamics of them being here if that happens and see if it helps. Good luck! :-D
     
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  8. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    All you people sound like the Buddha :) .. calm and thoughtful.
    Some of the things you've said make a lot of sense and something I hadn't thought about. The diverse experience of so many experienced and kind ladies makes this a wonderful place to seek advice.

    Cheers
     
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  9. Minie34

    Minie34 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Benadryl

    Just accept it. Don't expect anything.

    We r in the same boat. We don't even want any help from anyone. We just want our parents to visit us n spend time with us. But they r unwilling. We practically accepted it and keep doing our duty towards them.
     
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  10. Mehana

    Mehana Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your frustration. I would say call Regional Center immediately and get help asap. As others said in usa we get lot of support and they understand well enough. Always look for more friends/family with kids in this spectrum. Try to attend some meeting and lookout online. Tacanow.org great website for autism forum.
     
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