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Am I Wrong In Expecting Help From Parents ?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Benadryl, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Some of you may know of my dilemma from a previous thread How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

    Now, I never carried out my family obligations with an expectation of returns. But I see other people my age have their parents around helping them with many things including financially, emotionally and personally. I look at other friends and their parents are there for them. Financially, these guys are able to save so much money (by not paying child care etc) that a lot of them are paying off their mortgages at such a quick rate. They are able to have date nights and are able to have some sane quiet time. Lucky people.

    We as a couple are so tight spaced, that both of us can't even have some time off together. Forget about time off together we cannot even afford to attend our nature calls if both of us have to go at the same time. This is primarily because the kids are 4 and 2. I have told my mother numerous times that it would be very helpful to have a third adult in the house, but she doesn't understand at all "I can't carry your kids" she says. I say "All we want is someone to be able to supervise them while we can at least close our eyes in peace for 5 minutes". Dad chimes in and says "Your mum did it, you can do it too". Its almost like he takes pleasure in our pain. I think he forgets we were raised in a joint family with plenty of maids. Sometimes both I and wife have had the flu and in sickness there is no one else for us - both our energies are spent in taking care of the kids. This also affects our speed of recovery. All in all there are plenty of things an extra adult in the house can help with. Again, the only help we really want is the presence of a third adult in the house - nothing else.

    Recently my son is suspected to be on an autism spectrum, when I shared this sadly with my parents I was ridiculed as I didn't potty train him when he was 6 months old and I didn't repeatedly ask him to not run around the house when he was 2 years old - my parents had repeatedly assaulted me to do this and I plainly refused. What idiot potty trains a child of 6 months and asks a 2 year old to sit quietly? "Dont listen to parents This is what happens". This was kind of a last straw for me. What grand parent takes joy in the misery of their grand child to portray that they are right ! I am suspecting if his autism is confirmed we will be even more stretched for time and space.

    I have no assistance from my parents of any sort. ZERO. Other than constant whatsapp messages to take care of my kids (as if I wont do that).Before I go down this rabbit hole and hate them even more, I would like to ask a larger audience : Am I wrong in expecting help from parents ? What can I do to make my parents understand our situation and have mercy on us and help us out ?

    Having kids was our decision and we don't repent it (mostly). It will not be fair on my part in expecting anyone to help us - my kids - my family - my responsibility. Although I acknowledge I am victim of this dichotomy, I wouldn't have thought I will have zero assistance from family.

    Some part of me wants to thank God for such parents as they are the prime example of what a parent shouldn't do.
     
    thenmozhiboo likes this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What does your wife think about it? Does she think your parents should help if they can? Does she resent that you give monetary help to parents and siblings but they don't help out in ways that they can?

    What can you do to make your parents understand and help you out? You can tie your money help to their physical presence around your kids. Fair enough.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Prepaid scheme for grand-parental babysitting ?
    Would never work. Trying to get a 60+ year old to supervise superactive little ones would result in the couple having to nurse an old lady back to health. Bad idea.

    And besides, the original funds were disbursed without earmarks. I can see (somewhat justifiably) grandpa saying "tough cookies".

    Pay-as-you-go, and pay someoneelse is a much better idea for the current and the future.
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I used to do this but this didn't do any good to me. It in fact made the situation worst. You need to separate between responsibilities and expectations. Honestly bringing parents from India involves cost of ticket , insurance cost , sight seeing and gift part. Considering your financial situation how will you able to afford this ?

    Have you considered finding a parent's group where kids can get play mates so you can get some breathing space. 2 and 4 is good age for them to play with each other. Since your older one is 4 one more year the cost will come down once the kid joins kindergarten in public school. This will save some money for you.

    You cannot force anyone to help you. From your conversation with your parents it is clear they are not interested in helping you. If people don't have positive attitude it is miserable for both party . I know as a human being you are only thinking about the good things that are going to come out of this trip. But any time elderly parents unwillingly visit kid's place there is always more problems.

    You are almost there. Few more months your kids will have fun without much assistance from mom and dad.
    Just relax.
     
    sheztheone likes this.
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't see how you can convince your parents any more than you have tried already. And if indeed your son's diagnosis turns out to be true then do you really want their negativity in your home?
    In your shoes I would scale back the financial support you provide them. It's high time you start saving for your own retirement and your kids future expenses anyway.
    Then use some of that money to hire babysitters so you can catch a break every now and then.
     
    soulful, nakshatra1 and GeetaKashyap like this.
  6. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Wife thinks I am the only son and its my responsibility to take care of parents not other way round. Even if it means both of us are miserable most of the time. Sanity or no sanity, savings or no savings we have to go through our karma is her philosophy. I don't deny it but I think this also means she acknowledges she is helpless and has surrendered to our situation. At least this brings her peace as there is nothing else we can do.
     
  7. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    I dont know how this is a pre-paid scheme. Sigh. Dont grandparents play a great part in bringing up grandkids ? To a great extent my grand father did. Even his brother. Which is why I think I am not like my father, thank God for that.

    How do you see the grandpa saying tough cookies as justified? This is exactly the reason I posted, I genuinely want to understand.
     
  8. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you. This is the only assuring thing in our minds. At most a year and we should be better off. I don't know what an autistic kid entails. So it may either be that we will be a bit more hands off or we will be even more occupied.
     
  9. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Good idea.
     
  10. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for replies thus far. No one has answered, given my situation : Am I wrong in expecting help from parents ?
    Its like they keep giving me more reasons to hate them - but I want my hate to be justified :disappointed:
     

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