People

Dear @satchidananda ,

There is nothing more to say than what Cheeniya sir has said. But I am here responding because it is YOU You know if a friendship needs work, then may be it was just a seasonal friendship. In my experience knowing the reason as to why a friendship grows apart hurts even more - you always have a "I couldn't take that for granted? Doesn't she know me well enough? etc". I understand and believe that people matter, friendships matter even if life is like a journey with people getting on and off. But my friend, this too shall pass even if it hurts now.

Till then, we are all peoples here, continue to shower us with your love and friendship Don't be sacred.....there are many of us who are good!

Nice seeing you again Satchi, really! Don't disappear.

 

Hi Satchi,

I am so sorry to hear that you have reached a stage of being afraid of people. That is in a way a reflection of internal turmoil in your mind. I feel you shouldn't let that emotion stay for a long time. Clarity in mind about friendship is crucial for your emotional well-being. Let me suggest something and see whether it works for you.

I have categorized people into a) people I know, b) acquaintances, c) friends, d) close friends, e) people I revere and look forward to guidance and f) people I consider as though they are part of the family. I don't apply the number of years I know them to determine where to put them in those categories. # of years I have known someone doesn't determine how well I know them or how close they are to me.

I also have some basis qualifications for classifying someone as a friend and any other category after c) above:

1) How transparent a person is in sharing information about themselves with me. When I share information with them, how secured the information is. Even if someone is upset with a friend, they should be able to share it openly irrespective of the outcome of such a discussion.

2) When I reach out to them about an apprehension or a problem in life, whether they say what I like to hear or point out my mistakes despite facing the possibility of my anger and resultant anguish.

3) Despite the exchange of harsh words among the friends, if I reach out, whether they are ready to press the reset button and continue the friendship.

4) They don't frequently speak about lack of time needed to maintain that friendship or speak of the space they need to maintain away from my problems or me getting involved in their problems.

5) Ready to put themselves into my shoes when I need their help similarly to what I am ready to do when they need me.

Once you have separate categories in your mind, your fear of people will disappear in a trice even if you need to change them from one category to another due to consistent irrational behavior for no good reason.

I hope this process of categorizing helps you achieve peace in your friendships.

Viswa

 

Dear Satchi,

Please see category 1) above that one needs to be transparent. Even if you have failed her expectation in some way, she needs to communicate. Otherwise, she doesn't fall under the category of friends.

Viswa

 

Satchi, i shall join you in your thought process of why people behave like this. Even i have had several such experiences and keep thinking why have they stopped responding. And in lot of cases i feel i am the only one who want to keep the friendship and hence call/message them.
But on the brighter side..thereare people who would wait to read your snippet ...
Chill madi..

 

People leave. That's just the nature of human relationships or any sort of connection. Even if someone stays put and does not grow apart, they'll die. Or you'll die. Sorry to be morbid, but that's just how it is.

My best friend left me. I used to be married to him, and I had never in my wildest dreams even imagined that some day we'll just leave each other. What I'm trying to say is, even with the best of intentions people can change and decide that they want to be elsewhere. There's nothing much we can do about it, except of course try and manipulate or guilt-trip the other person into staying, but what's the point of that?

The reason why we feel so hurt is because in our nature to crave certainty. We have a fixed identity of who we are - "If I am not loved by my friends, who am I?" Buddhism calls it 'ego-clinging', we want everything to be a certain way and we want them to be that way forever so we're comfortable. When things happen the way we imagine they would, we feel comfortable because they don't challenge this fixed identity. When things go awry - such as a dear friend pulling away from us - the discomfort of it causes a great deal of anguish and anxiety. What we forget is that being human is about having this fundamental ambiguity about every aspect of our existence, and we hurt because we so badly wanted things to stay a certain way and they didn't.

OK, so the theory is all well and good, but what do we do about the sadness that wells up inside? One way to deal with it is to say that you don't care two hoots, if she doesn't want to be friends with you who cares it's her loss etc. It works, temporarily, peripherally. Depending on the depth of your attachment this might actually be enough even. But if you cared deeply for your friend, you may want to take some time and grieve for this loss in your own way. All aches dull after a while. It may not completely go away, but the pain will definitely reduce.

Like I said, it depends on the degree of attachment you had with this person. The greater the attachment the harder it is. Don't expect closure. There is no such thing. Just accept the loss, grieve, and deliberately move forward dropping the clinginess to that person.