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How Do I Help A Resentful Lady?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Laks09, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I've had this issue for the past few weeks and have tried various tips and tricks. I'm trying to post here to get some additional perspective.

    I have this friend who is really down in the dumps but I'm not able to reach her at all. She is a special needs mom with a son about a year or so younger than mine. She's also from the same state as me and we speak the same language. She has been reaching out to ask for tips and tricks with the kid and various other issues she is facing. Speaking the same language, we tend to bond easily. Especially, with the boys so close in age and having the same diagnosis.

    She has admitted to being low which is fairly typical with a new diagnosis. They got a late diagnosis, I didn't ask her why. I've tried gently steering towards some self-help tips. I've asked her to take breaks, do things for herself, make time for just her and spouse etc. Every tip is responded to with a negative FB. I've told her that counseling will help her but she thinks its a waste of money. She has been telling me lately that both she and her spouse are losing it with her child. It's not hard to understand that after hours and hours of behaviors moms will tend to get affected. The tried and tested tip is to hire a sitter and step away for a few hrs which I had suggested in the past but it hasn't gone well. She is fully homebound and doesn't even drive. I've offered to take her out but with conflicting schedules for our kids, I'm unable to do it. She's also not willing to come over or go out anywhere for that matter.

    Right now, I'm also dealing with some resentment towards me for having a better life. She is constantly comparing herself to me and telling me how it's better for me for having an understanding spouse, for being able to afford to stay home and yet have help, for being able to afford a lot of things that she cannot. I was also told that it's easy to preach but difficult to do when your child is suffering. I've no idea what to do or how to proceed anymore. I understand and empathize with her but I'm unable to help her at all. Right now, I'm not taking calls and only texting. I've cut back on responding a lot just because I have no idea how to respond. Is there anything I can say to help her feel better and not more depressed. I don't want to completely cut contact because these parents usually don't have any other avenues besides other moms. I know it's cyclical and the grief is all encompassing but I worry for the lady. I feel she is worse off than most others I have spoken to in the last three years.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Given that she is not taking or trying any of your suggestions, maybe she is looking for or needs acknowledgement of her issue and how tough and challenging it is.

    She mostly or mainly needs acknowledgement. Going by all that you have tried to no avail, maybe repeated and patient acknowledgement is all that you can give her at this point.

    Conversation on phone or text chat can get stressful and draining for you if you are providing tips and she is simply overriding or refuting them. So, simply listen, acknowledge, keep your questions and comments short; for a while do not try to help her from your experience. If she narrates her latest frustration, don't bring up a similar one you faced. Listen and let her talk.
     
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  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you've been more than supportive. I would suggest you stop trying to reach her for the time being. Let her know you are there for her, be generous with advice and guidance, but don't make her problems your problems. In such situations it is easy to overextend yourself in the quest to ease other people's pain, but no matter how much time and energy you devote, you can't go through the stages of grief for her. Unfortunately she has to process her feelings by herself and make peace with the new normal. At this point it might be a good idea to step back and allow her to work through her grief. As you said this is a recent diagnosis she is probably cycling between denial, anger and despair. She has been venting to you and, possibly unknowingly, using you as a target for her resentment. Finding someone to resent eases her pain as a sort of negative coping mechanism. From her point of view you have it easier, you seem more put together, and she can resent you without feeling guilty. What she doesn't know or understand is that you have gone through years of pain and suffering to find that fragile peace you have now.

    I really think after such a diagnosis therapy ought to be mandatory. Ask her to see a professional. From your post it does seem she might be depressed and without a supportive spouse she could really use someone to open up to, someone professionally trained to help her cope. I don't know if she is part of any parental support groups. That might really benefit her. Being around others going through the same challenges from different walks of life and socioeconomic backgrounds might give her a more positive perspective of where she stands. I have no doubt once she regains some composure, she will be thankful she had someone like you to help her navigate this period in her life.
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I’ll try this. Maybe this is all she needs at the moment.

    What should my response be to something like - “How do I deal with my frustration with my son’s behavior? I’m unable to control my anger and frustration when he does ———“.
    I’m having trouble responding to this. When I respond with what helps me, it makes her more grumpy. When I ask her to talk to the therapist for positive behavioral support and follow through at home she says in her frustration she isn’t able to follow that or that the therapists tips aren’t helping her because they are not helping her deal with her frustration. I had told her that unless she calms herself down she can’t work with her son. It won’t work when both are having simultaneous meltdowns. She then tells me she is in control of her emotions but a few days later the same thing. I’m not sure if there is anyone other than me to talk to or help. That’s why I continue responding.
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn’t think of it in these terms. Thank you for pointing it out. I’ll keep it in mind.

    I’ve tried many times to gently bring up the therapy suggestion. She’s telling me that she doesn’t believe in it and it’s a waste of money. She tells me therapists are all scamming people to make money.

    She is. I’ve personally added her to many groups. She isn’t attending meeting or coming for any parent/child activity because she isn’t driving yet. From the online group she isn’t talking to too many folks because she can’t feel the connection she says. I’ve posted anonymous questions and a lot of people have reached out but she hasn’t gotten back to any of them.

    I hope she’s able to get some peace, G. I’ve spoken to many moms from various backgrounds and she seems to be taking it very hard. She is mentioning things that’s making me worry for the child. I’m hoping she gets the tools so she doesn’t take it out on him.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Mostly reflect back her words to her. Such as:
    - That must be very frustrating.
    - That must be so hard to handle every day.
    - Must be so hard to find the energy and patience to handle it.
    - You must be losing your cool even when you badly want to be patient.
    - I understand none of the tips I or the websites/books suggest are really working to help you control your anger and frustration. But there are times when you are better able to handle it, what seems to help then?
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you! I’ll try this.
     
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Excellent responses from the ladies here and Laks, you are a brilliant friend. I want to share with you my story.

    Many many many years ago when I was battling some demons and was going down a negative spiral, I had one friend I was leaning heavily on. Now I can see it but then i didn't realise that caught up in the drama, I was doing nothing to better my situation. I thought there was no way out and all her suggestions with her similar experiences were dismissed.

    One day she sat me down face to face and gave me a talking to. Didn't let me interrupt. as I remember it it went like this - "I have to tell you this or I won't be a good friend. You are going thorough a tough phase; I understand that since I've been through it too. Yes, there are differences but i am trying my best to help you. However you are not taking anything onboard. You are spiralling away out of control. You need to start taking baby steps to change this. Or nothing is going to improve. It will only get worse. I'm giving you as much support as I can give but I can't see you destroy yourself this way. I care about you and I'm worried about you and it's draining me out to see you like this. You need help. There is lots of help out available. You need to make the effort to take it. It seems daunting but you can take steps to make it better. You have the power within you to take action actively without passively going through it. Choose a path, come to a decision and I'll back you up all the way. If you just want to rage and rant, I'm not going to let you do it with me anymore because it has done nothing constructive for you. Don't respond right now. Have a cry or go for a run or take a nap. Mull it over. You might be mad with me right now but I really needed to do this to wake you up. I'll ring you later."

    It felt like someone had pulled the rug from under my feet and I felt angry and betrayed initially but I could see her point eventually. I sort of tried to shut her out but she kept calling a couple of times every week and I couldn't ignore the care and love she was showering on me.

    I came to know months later she'd also rung the people I was living with to make sure they kept an eye on me and gave me a bit of TLC.

    I did take her advice in a week or two and started making positive changes which showed immense improvement to my situation and life. Till date I do believe that talk was the most major turning point in my life - the best thing anyone ever did for me...

    Of course you know the situation and your friend better to see if this sort of approach might help. Sometimes tough love is the solution.

    God bless friends like you!
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Laks09... happy to know that you are a great soul with true empathy.

    A friend like you, was the reason behind my happy life today.
    Many of you might know, how terrible my marriage was back then. Due to so many problems that happened in my life, I was not in the right mood to either accept the issue or work on it. I was in denial.
    All i would do is to shout, argue, cry and leave the issue at that. Just that, I responded to the symptoms of the problem, instead of diagnosing the real cause.
    People around me had identified my issues, and offered me genuine advises on my favor. But I was in denial. I didn't want to accept that my life is that bad. I felt inferior and as a loser to accept it before others. This prevented me from getting their suggestions.
    Just like your friend, I too was comparing myself to others, only to say.. Mine wouldn't have been serious had I lived in their shoes. I know, i just tried to cheat myself, whenever my brain hinted me that I have a problem, and I should act on it.

    This friend of mine was usually a one-liner. She doesn't talk much. But with me, she would talk a lot. She would make it a point that I accept my problems. And she believed the moment I accept my problems, I will be able to find a solution to it.

    I will tell you what my friend told me back then. She was so convincing when I was battling mood swings, inferiority complex, and denial of the problems just like your friend.

    She said "Everyone on this earth is bound to face trials and turbulence in their life at some point. No one is exceptional. Some people would like to have your problem. Just that, God/creator would not give you problems more than what you could bear with".
    For some people, their darkest time comes during their childhood, for some it is during their teen times, like wise, some would face problems in marriage, post marriage, with children, and there are people who lead a dream life till their elderly times, and then face the darkest years.
    We never know what is in store for us. Therefore, we should not compare our lives with that of others.

    She would often say that I should feel happy that my darkest time came in the form of my marriage, which is at least partly in my control. She would encourage me, saying I should thank God for giving me troubles at the best time of my life, as I have everything in my favor (like my age, my health, my family, my career etc). If I could pass this trial for now, I could happily count the blessings of my rest of the years.

    Your friend needs to accept her problem.
    Yes, her son has Autism. She should work hard for the next few decades to restore everything for her child. She should accept this reality, and find peace with this life.
    A mother with a dying son would love to have her life. A woman without a child would yearn to have her life.
    Her life would be a dream for the mother who lost her son.

    She should be happy that she is already dealing with her share of the problem on this earth. At least she knew it, and she could take the problem under her control.
    But there are many people, who are yet to face their share of the problems in life. They never know what is in store for them, and how horrible it could be.
    At the end of the day, everyone will have to deal with their problems as no one is exceptional.

    The moment I accepted that I have a serious problem, I have started taking remedial actions to solve them. In no time, I was in control of my life, and it turned out to be OK.
    I wish your friend will soon accept her problems, and fine peace with her new life.
     
    shreepriya, sindmani and Laks09 like this.
  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Laks..you are a really good friend.tough to find people who can empathize.

    Can she bring her in-laws or parents here for few months?Being alone and not able to drive is tough..she needs some moral support now and if family is here with her,it might help her better..

    Sooner of later..she will accept the situation which is not easy but now in the initial stages,she should need some moral support.If she is showing resentment towards you..what you are doing is right.keep contact but at minimal.maybe she needs some space and after sometime she will resume contact.
     
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