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Sister In Law - Cannot Understand Her Behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SonyThumma, Nov 7, 2018.

  1. SonyThumma

    SonyThumma Senior IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    As the title suggests, I cannot seem to understand some of the things my SIL does. Some background. My brother and I are very close. Anytime he visited me when he was single, the things like paying for food etc... never came up. As I am the older sister and me and husband used to take care of everything during his visit. He got married and the first thing I noticed is the frequency of visits have reduced. And when they do visit, my SIL who is a housewife insists on paying for everything. [I know she is a bit touchy about her unemployment. I work full time.] For example, oil for lamps for pooja in my home she wanted to get and this created a standoff moment where I told that we [me and my husband] will buy. She was upset as to why she was not allowed to pay for it.

    Another issue is she is constantly taking kumkum haldi from my pooja room. I don't know for what. Once I saw her using it for her mangalsutram. But, recently it looked like she had scraped the bottle as we stockpile for later use.

    Any help appreciated. Is it normal for your younger brother's family to buy things when they visit an older sisters home. Also do your relatives keep taking kumkum haldi from your pooja room everyday/whenever they visit.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
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  2. Rs1984

    Rs1984 New IL'ite

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    Yes it's bizarre but people from different households do have different traditions nad customs, for example we dont take oil for free from anyone which means in our household we dont let others pay for our oil because my elders said Oil indicates shani bhagwan and hence we never take it for free or by hand from others as it may indicate transfering their illfate also haldi, kumkum we give others when they are married because it's like respecting mahalakshmi but this may not hold true in some households, but there are certain things we have to ignore for the sake of relationships. Try to gently make your SIL understand this.
    Cheers,
    RS1984

     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Depending on what things they offer to buy.
    I do have a very close bond with my brother. And SIL came as a new person with a neutral relationship to begin with.
    Before marriage, my bro used to visit me often, and stay at my place almost as a family member. He never behaved otherwise, so there was no question about payment etc...
    But after his marriage, he represented his family/his household each time he visited us.
    He would eat, but then make sure he brings a gift or some eatable/fruits for kids when he visits. Specially SIL would make sure they come with a present if it is a party such as lunch or dinner hosted at our place. Even though it is just a quick, casual one.
    And if they asks us to buy anything, which SIL usually asks me since I travel a lot and have a good taste too. So, she would make sure she pays for her share.
    Be it dresses or unique items like lamps or lather or whatever.
    But I do gift them a lot, which they don't ask for. These gifts are spontaneous and they don't indult my gifts by paying for them.

    So, it depends... You are the best judge for your case...

    We are Christians, but I see some uniqueness here too.
    It is not my SIL, but my sister who visits to my home, and often use up the blessed oil that I keep at my prayer room.
    She is fond of it, and believes the oil has so much power in some or the other way, that she would apply them to her, and her children's forehead, their car, etc... to feel safe or feel blessed.
    So, each time she comes here, I know that my oil bottle would get finished. So, what I would do is, to grab more blessed oil from the basilica before her trip, and keep enough bottles for her to access and if needed take it with her.
    I wouldn't complain of her faith....
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Duplicate post
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes it’s completely normal.

    They don’t take, but we ensure that we give Tamboolam without fail, when any relative comes home.
     
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  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    i Can tell you what must have happened. Your brother must have told her how he is grateful for a sister like you and how you took care of all his expenses .so she probably feels like this should not continue now that they are married.

    Get extra haldi kumkum and keep. Let her take as much as she wants. Don’t stress over this harmless gesture.
     
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  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    buying oil for your puja room is not common. if she does again, tell her that things for God in the house will have to be paid by the owners of the house.

    may be she has some pooja or ritual going on , ask her if she needs it for any specific purpose but it is quite weird to argue about buying oil for puja room of others.

    Takung kumkum and haldin is normal, she may do that daily in her house ,so she may be continuing in your house.

    Next time when they offer money, tell them sweetly that you would take care as your are leder and hosting them, they can return the hospitality when you visit them, even then if they feel guilty of not paying, ask your brother to take you out for a dinner and let them pay the bill.
     
  8. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- I honestly don't know the rituals about the oil. But your SIL might feel that your brother and her need to contribute as your maternal family.It's very normal for a lady to feel so after marriage , whether she works or not . A brother ( even if younger) doesn't usually take or in your case, let the sister pay for the hospitality . Your SIL might be thinking on the same lines . And moreover,she is the DIL of your maternal family and has some responsibility as the Bhabhi. I have no idea about who pays for the oil at one's house but looking at it from a third person's POV, I think she isn't that wrong. The brother ( older / younger ) usually takes care of the sister , not the other way round. I always have seen my mother's brother ( younger) getting her gifts whenever he visited.
    And she might be doing the kum kum ritual every time after puja no matter where. I guess that's harmless too.
     
  9. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand where your SIL is coming from as I am the kind that is not comfortable with others paying for me all the time. Be it my parents, siblings, relatives however close irrespective of whether they are elder or younger.
    I am not at all comfortable if anyone else insists on paying for me all the time.

    You have to understand that though you consider them as your little brother and his wife, he is married now and they have their own family. She is probably not comfortable letting you pay for everything. If you, for your part, cannot stop it completely i suggest that you probably say that you will treat them to a dinner at a nice restaurant or buy some gift each time they visit, instead of footing all the bills.

    As for the kumkum, it is really a small matter and I hope you do not let this cause any friction in your relationship with her. Also you need to handle this carefully it relates to religious sentiments.
     
  10. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    I wanted to reply earlier but could not. Sony, there are worse problems in this world than what you described between in-laws. Anyhow coming to the point, I am not sure if you are aware, many hindus, especially in south, have a sentiment to not give or take oil from others (other family). If one takes oil from someone, it has to be a transaction not a free exchange, otherwise it is considered as a donation by the party which gives the oil for free. This tradition actually started with giving oil made from black sesame to a brahmin on a Saturday to ward off any doshas related to Shani Bhagwan. Slowly, it graduated from til oil to other oils, to other castes. In general, taking oil (from hand to hand) or for free is against the sentiment. That's why she must have volunteered to pay. Regarding kumkum/haldi, you are very lucky, you did some good karma in your past. When a lady comes and asks for them, it is your duty to give them to her (as per traditions) the more, the better. So, don't go into deciphering why she did it, just be happy that right things are happening to you.
     
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