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In-laws Visit - A Disaster

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by aamrapali, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Amrapali,

    I echo what others have said. The solution to this problem lives with you and sleeps beside you. If your husband were to strongly tell his parents she is my wife we are a package if you want me to be your son you have to accept her or else...????!! then they would be singing a different tune.

    You credit your sil for her strong family but actually credit goes to your bil. I bet this is what he must have clearly told your pils. He let her go to her parents right? That is why your pils are steering clear of him.

    Literally your hubby is getting to have his cake and eat it too. First get over your hurt feelings but then have a v calm and v frank discussion with him. Maybe he already knows your bil gave ultimatum but feels if both sons turn back on parents then what will happen? There are some aspects to this that either you are unaware of or have discounted. Discuss fully with your hubby. You also did not mention exactly why they never accepted your marriage but it was their son who chose you. Why he gets a free pass? Surely he has seen your effort, and also your agony and is moved by it. Unless and until he says enough is enough nothing will change.

    I also second Anusha advice of let them come to you and svgb advice. Take care.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are a good person who wants a happy family and memories and you had best intentions but reality is that it is not so easy to get appreciation or acknowledgement from in-laws. So reduce your expectations while doing , it may be difficult but there's a minimum u have to do because they are your guests . Never forget that they are his parents and how awful it will be if you decide not to prepare any food to elders and expect them to take care of themselves. - all the effort u did till now will go to waste .

    You will have more expectation only if you go above and beyond the normal , which is what u did till now . Also now you are so dejected that you want to do nothing at all , this will surely look very bad and not the right thing to do . Instead , I will suggest just be yourself , and involve everyone in the cooking , your husband , your in-laws as it is too much responsibility for one person to take especially with full time job . Let your husband take lead regarding spending time or trips. When the responsibility gets divided u will not feel so bad about not being appreciated or acknowleged. Ask your husband to appreciate you in front of all this will really make a big difference . He alsoa needs to communicate to them how important u are to him when other people treat u badly . Most importantly , maintain your private space but in your mind , enjoy your time , but if you make too much outwardly show of your hurt , it will.not look good. Be very normal , just like you are at home when no guests are there . You have nothing to prove to anyone your husband loves u and chose u so just be yourself , just don't neglect guests that's all. Try to spend more time outside after work or in your room if you feel the abuse is getting to u .Handle it with calm .
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    There are only 2 solution for your present problem.

    1) Your H to accept the rude nature of his parents, and to understand your emotional dilemma because of them. If he understands this, he should do something about it to protect you.
    But it highly depends on who he is.
    My husband very much understands the bullying nature of his parents, but he has no guts to say a word against them no matter what. But he won't expect me to be the scapegoat and lose myself for them.
    So, he has given me all the freedom to stand up for myself and chose my own protective mechanism even if that means to fight back with PILs.
    Many times, I have refused to cook for them, refused to visit their place etc... and he was perfectly fine with that, provided he knows what's the reason behind my rude acts.
    Except during the initial years of marriage where my H refused to believe me whenever I tried explaining his parents' rude behavior; hence he stood by them at the cost of losing our marriage. Now a days, he is very much corporative.

    2) Be your own guard. No matter what your H or others think about it. Be confident that you are right, and anyone in your shoes will be doing the same to protect self from such abuses.
    Would you allow if your BIL or FIL try to advance sexually with you? Would you keep quiet and tolerate this nonsense for your H's sake.
    Would you allow them to exploit you for decades, in order to save relationships?
    I am sure your answer would be a big NO!

    If so, why it is different when it comes to emotional abuse?
    Why do you allow them to keep abusing you emotionally?
    Think about it....
     
  4. Thenmozhi39

    Thenmozhi39 Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh god. . Seems these people are rude... How come you are trying to be so obedient even to your husband. Best make things very clear to him. Only if he treats you at very high level tese people will change their attitude. You need peace of mind more than good name from anyone.
     
  5. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    It became a bit too heavy to carry emotionally and mentally, so took a break from this thread. Thanks to all who have responded. It was very helpful and has had an impact - hopefully a positive change for me going forward.

    Some closing comments.

    I read all the responses again and most of you have mentioned the same thing "I did excess for them to like me, approve me, appreciate me". I have done some deep searching within and asked myself if this was true - somehow it does not ring true to me. It is like any relationship in life - be it a friend, a coworker, even a husband. When things have not gone well for too long and life throws yet another opportunity at you to fix it, you do give it another shot. To me their whole visit was like a REBOOT, a RESTART button, a REFRESH to start over and move forward hoping this visit would give all involved parties a chance to start over. Backfired - big time.

    2. @SGBV Whenever elders from India visit, be it my family or my husband's, all of us kids in this country are a bit on the edge because of how USA health insurance is. It is not cheap to buy and even with insurance navigating the system is a nightmare god forbid if one of them were to be hospitalized. I personally know people who have been hit so hard and had to sell crores of properties back in India or still deal with the haunting collection agencies, or have had their savings wiped out. One MAJOR Health Catastrophe can wipe out our savings in USA. My ILs are the worst fake hypochondriacs I have ever seen. I had a serious chat with my husband telling him to talk to them to please let us know if they are REALLY sick otherwise this is going to be like the boy-and-the-tiger story - dunno when to take them seriously and when to ignore when they say they are sick EVERYDAY. Yes my BIL/SIL do NOTHING - the last time my MIL fell sick at their place, my SIL called my husband to come over and help and of course my husband took the next available flight. They do offer to pay the bills entirely or split the cost. Now I understand why my husband had rather visit them every year than deal with all this headache - financial, personal, emotional - these elders dont even make all of this effort worth it. Everything I did for them - if there was one driving point - it was fear of their health. Not about their loving me or changing their opinion about me or accepting and approving of me.

    3. @SGBV "You need to be bold to give it back then and there without keeping this much of grudge and hatred which can eventually spoil your own health and marital happiness". I did this time. Gave it right back. They then do what they know best - to give silent treatment and the rest of their stay is a Deja vu like every stay of theirs. They will sit with their backs to me, come to the table at dinner time when they hear the clanging of vessels (like pets) - eat to their hearts content (like pets) and go back into their rooms and sit with their back again. Whatever they want to ask or tell - they will call my husband or text his personal phone. Thats it - from the moment of confrontation that I stand up for myself, I do not exist. Every single trip.

    4. @SGBV "My husband very much understands the bullying nature of his parents, but he has no guts to say a word against them no matter what. But he won't expect me to be the scapegoat and lose myself for them." - DITTO - same here.

    5. @Vedhavalli I hope they realize you were extending the relationship bridge they failed by their ego. Thank you! this is exactly what I was doing - re-extending the relationship bridge to flush out bad blood and start over.

    6. @troubledmom Unless and until he says enough is enough nothing will change. It has been so long, I have no hope he will. If some miracle happens and he does - I dont think it will be good news - will be too late - by this I mean something terrible has to happen for some people to change - like a cancer or an accident for me which may make him wake up from slumber - but at what cost. I stopped expecting it or hoping for it.

    7. My husband used to praise and compliment me a LOT a few years back. Absolutely no response or reaction from his parents. I actually requested him to stop. I told him let us just be normal and ourselves - we both know who we are and we are not looking for compliments or praises or medals. We are not here to prove anything to anyone. His parents interact with us as if he were 23 and I am 19. Both of us have crossed 45! We are old enough to be advising our kids on dating and I am almost ashamed and embarrased to say I am going through problems that newly married inexperienced 20-some girls go through.

    I don't think most of us women are in denial that the problem lies with our husbands when we have ILs problem. It is just that until a final break is in the talks like a legal separation or a divorce, no one wants to go down this road. For many reasons: 1) you are still living with this person and it is better not to focus too much on his weaknesses - as they say keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after 2) if you have kids, always good to identify the strengths in your man so he can be a role model for his kids 3) despite all their weaknesses and inability to stand up and fight for us with their parents, our relationship with our husbands is a mix of good, bad and ugly. We cannot discount what they have done for us. It is easier to hate ILs because they do nothing for us. Husband and our parents/siblings - not so much.
     
  6. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear amrapali,

    thanks for the detail reply. though you didn’t really owe me any explanation I appreciate that you took the time to set down your thoughts. Definitely you have done lot of soul searching that comes through clearly as also your regret and anguish. Which leads me to wonder perhaps this outpouring of emotion indicates that you are in a way grieving? You are mourning the loss of this relationship? Even though it never was, this is in fact the shattering of your hopes and wishes around this relationship no? And shattering of a dream can also be devastating. If so take your time to grieve and get over it. When it no longer feels so raw then come back and re read this thread for you did get some excellent advice here. My personal suggestion after that would be to open your heart to your hubby, have a frank discussion and arrive at an understanding about what your role is going to be when they come back. Clearly stare What you will and will not do to protect yourself from further hurt using some suggestions from here as well. And this time pay heed when he says no need for doing this or that. Come to a mutual agreement and then do only that for future.
     
  7. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Sharing few thoughts dear. Whatever you do others is your gift to god. Whatever comes to you is a gift from god. How? There is a hidden gift. When you deal with challenges, you will start realizing more about you. Your inlaws will deal with their karma. You are positive. Keep calm. If you want to take a break from them, take a break. Let’s not put our happiness on external factors ie. their recognition. If they are intentionally not recognizing you, they will face the karma. You have done positive things, god will love you for that. Honestly your inner self will love you for that. Forgive your inlaws, take a break from them.
     
  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Amrapali,
    I am almost in ur situation if not worst. I am staying with inlaws together since my marriage. And the situation what you narrated happens day in day out of my life. My pregnancy period was a golden period for me. 8 months I was away at my mom's place which was the best in my life. During this tenure I had decided how to lead my life after going back. I gave up cooking entire meals for them in the mornings. Only once or twice a week in the week I make some curries and that too for my h. I don't talk to them or let me say they would not talk to me. I just keep quiet because my baby is fed and monitored by her in my absence ( I have hired a full time caretaker to avoid dependencies). I have no interest in spending time to repair the strained relationship. My h who was so nice to me for 2 year ( yes only two years in our 8 years of our marriage. I will narrated when I get the privelage to make a post here:)) has turned into her pet again and keeps mocking me. I am learning to ignore all of these for the sake of my child and my career.
    Never ever expect any sort of appreciation or any kind of positive move from them. That will never happen. If you do certain things to them it means to them that you are doing something which you are responsible for. Nothing more. So why go to a large extent and struggle? Just do the bare minimum and leave it. Do not allow them to be your mood spoilers
     
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  9. SonyThumma

    SonyThumma Senior IL'ite

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    From experience, if you are constantly looking for another persons approval .. i.e. want praise for how well you host, keep home clean, etc... your emotions/happiness are dependent on them - Don't go for it. As preeti said, anything you do very well will be attributed to doing your responsibilities and nothing more. Do what is expected and leave the rest.
     
  10. Sweetee

    Sweetee Senior IL'ite

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    @aamrapali You are too good dear. But don't suffer yourself. Its not necessary !!! Finding alternative to regular fate is always good but keep yourself as priority first :)
     

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