1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Mil's Death Anniversary.. Wish I Could Forgive And Forget..so Much Bitterness

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Oct 24, 2018.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,155
    Likes Received:
    1,461
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Sandhya
    I am doing very good
     
    1Sandhya likes this.
  2. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,155
    Likes Received:
    1,461
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Great Dear,
    Loved your practical approach, I will never ever forgive her, but yes try to forget all the horrible memories for my own peace, but when certain incidents happens I think of her even without my knowledge and this happens almost every day, but on a positive note I don't ever want to behave like her, so I keep telling myself that no should hate me like this after my death.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    You sound like my Sister's MIL
    This MIL has been badly abused by her MIL when she had to live in a joint family. By the time she was relieved from such abuses (the death of her PILs) she realized how much someone could hate the other to the core, that they can't even forgive them at their deathbed. That's when she realized to be nice with others, so that no one would hate her this way.
    She is the best MIL one would dream, and my sister is extremely lucky.
    Now that my sister loves her MIL just as she would love her mom.
    Blessed, you too would become a cool MIL soon
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,155
    Likes Received:
    1,461
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you so much for your time dear friend,
    So beautifully articulated, I am blessed to be in a forum like this, I really feel light reading all your replies, I don't want to ruin my present thinking of the past, God has been very kind to me now ( touch wood) For my DH I used to be last person for any opinion he needed but today I am the only person for him, both of us have really matured over the years, I never bring old topics to him, I don't even remind him of the ill treatment meted out to me.
     
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    My dear,
    Glad to know that though a little sad to hear you are still wrestling with ghosts from your past.

    Recently I read about a psychology research study. The gist of it and I am so sorry I don’t have a reference is that our brain is unable to distinguish (in terms of its emotional reactions) between an actual incident happening and a memory being relived. Same muscles, reaction cycles, enzymes hormones get activated in both the scenarios. For athletes etc this can be used positively.

    In your case though it is working against you. what you must realize is that every time you are reliving those incidents and reinflicting those wounds on yourself. That pain is real. This is not good for you blessed so you must stop this impulse to go back to past incidents. It is like the tongue seeking out the painful tooth. Secondly whenever you catch yourself doing this fast forward to a time when she had just passed away, to some incidents or symbolic thing which made you realize she is gone forever and keep repeating to yourself it’s okay she can’t hurt me anymore. I am out of that phase now. Repeat this as many times as needed whenever you catch yourself going there. The trips to past will decrease and shorten in duration also hopefully. When you fully realize she is gone for good you will be able to accept and forgive her fully which as has been pointed out is very essential for you.

    If observing her death anniversary upsets you this much then tell your h frankly and step away from preparations that day. Either go somewhere else or don’t participate. Let your h and his sisters honor their mother which is only right. Don’t keep thinking what will people say etc. Don’t go for good dil tag.

    It is necessary to remove the mountain of bitterness in your heart. Chip away slowly at it. All the best!
     
    sindmani, blessed and nakshatra1 like this.
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Totally agree with sgbv. Sometimes we can't forgive a person. Best is to not think about her at all. Be happy that you can live in peace.
     
  7. sangrag

    sangrag Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    158
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    I am so happy about your reply. I am sailing in the same boat of yours Pranavi, I lost my baby out of stress alone, my bloody blood pressure was a silent killer, was thinking about people who created stress on me during my later stage of pregnancy, because they were with me during that time. now I made myself happy, showing positivity towards negative things surrounding me...



     
    blessed likes this.
  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    438
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Blessed,
    Don't bother to forgive and forget if that's what you feel. I feel you. You are not on the losing end anyway but your MIL is. She had created bad karmas. But try not to revisit the past as it will keep wounding the scars.

    She may have been a saint to others but the fact is she was a devil to you. She doesn't deserve any respect from you even after her death. Keep hating her as much as you want as she was the one who asked for it but remind yourself she cannot hurt you anymore.

    Concentrate on your husband and family. Don't worry what the others think or say about you.
     
    blessed likes this.
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    126
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Well I have a friend who is in a similar situation as yours . However this MIL of hers though she was bad to my friend she had taken good care of her grand daughter. My friend has a gratitude on her Mil only because of this. Otherwise she would never forgive her for the damage she has done
     
  10. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    134
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    I have no idea how all women are telling OP to forget it and not to sulk.
    I have very less patience ... honestly I would have distributed Peda Mithai (sweets) on her death anniversary... no need of regrets
    Witch is gone
     

Share This Page