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Planning To Divorce And Pregnant.. Please Advice Me.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Blush, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Blush,
    If you are not sure right now then don’t force a decision. Just tell them you are confused and need time. Let there be uncertainty. So what? This is not deadline driven. Next move should only be when you are confident or very sure don’t pressure yourself.
    The delay can only help you as far as I can see. Let the reality sink in for them also. Both your hubby and his family. Your hubby may come to his senses and realize the enormity of what he has done. Which your pils with impending loss of good name will do plenty to hammer home. If you forgive him too quickly, he misses this chance you also know the minute you say all is forgiven the incident will closed.
    When you are good and ready then and only then initiate. If you take him back do so on your terms your clearly defined terms. And definitely don’t go back to sleep as if all is okay. Work on job and becoming independent as if you are divorced because next time you will have 2 young ones depending on you.
     
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  2. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Wow. Sometimes it takes some of us an entire lifetime to realize this. Good for you.
     
    Rakhii and SunPa like this.
  3. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @Blush My humble request don't abort the child. Very hard to manage job and kids. You
    have your parent's support too. No need to get divorce. It's your Dh duty to take care of the kids and yourself. You have right to claim his support financially. Stay with him and bring up your children. If you go for divorce you get a minimum amount as compensation and he enjoys with major part of money. Many girls get divorce and suffer a lot while the other person feel free. Think and take your decision.
     
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  4. Blush

    Blush Senior IL'ite

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    Hello everybody..

    Thank u for all your replies.. It has helped me a lot. A small update from me..

    I was suffering from too much stress and I started feeling scared it will harm the baby. So my parents suggested me to talk to husband. So after leaving his home, I talked to him for the first time. He said he is ready to do anything for us and that he cant bear the thought of losing us. I calmly said I need more time (at least 1 month) to come to a decision. I said I am very much open to divorce because of what he did to me. He talked for a long time. Kept on asking me forgiveness and he is ready to do anything to mend our relationship. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy. I told him it will take me years to trust him again. He said he is ready to wait and that he will prove to me he has changed if I give him a chance. I kept the phone finally saying we can meet with my parents after a month and then come to a decision.

    But my stress level decreased a lot after the talk. I have finally started thinking about my baby and my health. I have got a temporary job here. I will be joining next week.

    Now my plan is to decide on how the discussion should go. What all conditions I should say and all that.
     
    shravs3, BhumiBabe and pinkydarling like this.
  5. Blush

    Blush Senior IL'ite

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    @Rakhii @AppuMom

    Hugs to you for what you went through. I want to ask you some questions.

    1) Did your hubby keep his word about being faithful?
    2) Did you keep any restrictions or conditions for him when you lived together after giving him a chance?
    3) Was he open regarding his phone, accounts etc after the incident?
    4) How long did it take for you to live as normal couple again? Did counselling help?
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    It is best you follow @Rakhii and @AppuMom because they have the real life experience to share with you.
    Others like me can have empathy, but without having first hand experience on such sensitive issues our judgments may not be appropriate.

    Nevertheless, I have some questions here too.... Hope you don't mind

    I personally feel, emotional detachment from spouse means the marriage is dead. You may chose to live under one roof and co-parent the kids for convenience sake. But is there any love, affection, attraction remains in your marriage after this incident?
    For some it is convenient to stay in a dead marriage, but for some it is much better to part ways and lead a more peaceful life alone.
    What is your take here?


    Do you think, lack of sex was one contributing factor to his cheating?
    It seems, you have lost both physical and emotional connect with your spouse now. Do you think it is possible for him to stay in this dead marriage without cheating forever???
    How about your own happiness and satisfaction???

    How do you say the above was cheating?
    Because I had similar issues in the past. My H has always been faithful to me, loved me and what not.
    We have always had good sex life and emotional connect too.
    But one day, I found out that a huge portion of saving from our joint acc (earned by me) was missing mysteriously.
    But he was giving stupid reasons which did not make any sense. So, I've started observing him - and everything about him more carefully, with a suspicious devil's eye.
    Later, I found out with proof that he has shared some good money to his bro, but through someone else (another male family friend), and got 3 credit cards for his parents to swipe as and when they needed them, and eventually he ended up withdrawing money from our joint saving to pay these extra bills (in lacks).

    There was no clear proof to suspect PILs, as no one was uttering anything. I even fought with H for cheating, and he was almost broke down.
    He never accepted with me that he was aiding his family, so I had to arrange a friend of mine, who worked in a bank where my PILs do transactions.
    I know it was illegal, but I had no proof, and I was almost losing my marriage, together with my savings. So, I took this wrong route that time.

    This friend gave me the proofs of how these cards were settled, and how certain suspicious transactions were done. Which gave me the clarity. And my FIL was the master mind behind all this.

    It was like this:
    My H will withdraw money from our Joint acc, and deposit them to his personal acc.
    A bank standing order was given to his personal account to settle those 3 credit cards. So at any given time, if I check my H's personal acc, it would show very small balance, unless I check the entire transaction.
    Also, my H always had these 3 credit cards in his pocket, so it was hard to doubt his parent's usage on them.
    Only later I understood that all his credit cards had supplementary cards. In fact, my H was having those supplementary cards only. Those original cards were with his parents.

    Just that my H didn't want to be open about how much his parents are utilizing our funds. But his silence and all these evidence were leading me to suspect his character.

    Sorry for the rant....
     
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP read the first part carefully. While in no way lack of sex at home means finding at else where, its a big driver for most people. If you both are not there for each other to talk about how the day was, what did you etc, sooner or later either you him will find that someone who would listen to them. I have understood this in 2 years. I am not saying jump into bed with him today, but, when you end up fully reconciling, dont let the bedroom situation get out of hand. You both need it. And really, both will be in a better mood after.

    @SGBV , He sure was cheating on me. The phone numbers were for different hookers; the same day several hundred dollars would be out of the bank account and he would be coming home late; long after I went to bed. Mine was pretty straight forward. We can argue saying that his phone was tapped (his explanation); but my heart knows.
     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Blush, see above in red.
     
  9. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    I had all access to mobile ,bank accounts everything for all the 10 years.I fully trusted him ( all spouses do that) and never knew he can do things behind my back.He was travelling to OW house (like going in the morning and returning night from other city) and I never knew ..It was traffic jam or lot of work at office were the reasons he used to tell me..So evenif a wife has all access to pwds and other things one may not be able to figure out ema fully. Even if he cheats again I may not be able to figure out but I am sure our son will because our son has all the access to everything...

    I do not believe sex was the main reason as he was always in to **** watching /sexting/flirting.Lack of sex is not a reason for EMA. You need to talk openly to your spouse if you are not happy instead of seeking outside.
    So evenif I play the best partner on bed he is/was more interested in other things.He doesnt think it is not ok to send intimate messages to a colleague or a relative .He thinks its perfectly fine to arrange a secret meeting with his GF to return her photos.(god sake we can always send those by courier or any other means!!!! )He finds all these acts are perfectly normal. His value system is a totally damaged one and I dont think unless he himself understand that there is nothing much I can do.

    Right now I have no conditions kept. His actions(past/present/future) should not damage our kid's future. Thats the only thing I have asked.I need sometime to clear up so many things from my mind and I will not be afraid to take the path of divorce or living separately whichever gives me peace of mind.

    After these type of incidences you are different and your spouse is different.So you cannot build the same type of relationship or intimacy you had before. Its new life(good or bad), a union between 2 new personalities and ofcourse your expectations change.In marriages you cannot build marriages on CONDITIONS but it should be on trust,respect and love .after all no one starts the life on set of rules/conditions.

    Right now my priority is to remove all the hatred an negativity filled me .Building marriage or bringing back the intimacy and all secondary(its my personal choice may not be applicable to other ppl who has similar experiences).

    Note: and I am not closely observing him or watching him ,I dont want to take up the role of a moral police and continue as a suspicious person.not worth.If a person wants a good life he should work for it , the burden should not be on the betrayed wife.She /He may be handling too many pain and one should let her to heal.
     
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  10. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Friend... Agree with you..I just suggested one practical option. Its almost same difficult to live a single life with two kids in the current society. Also we dont have any guarantee that she will get another life partner who will love her as well as her children's. Instead she can pretend like hus and wif infront of society and live their own lifes. I saw many couples who are very good acters infront of others but zero bonding between them. Similarly many relationship are continuing just for kids.
    Anyway it's OP call to with which options to go with. We are here to just give the suggestions.
    parne"DDream, post: 4102089, member: 465831"]How is it possible to live ones own life & be happy by living with a cheating husband. It will be life a long torture. Isn't it. Else he should change and completely stop this behavior. Just checking as its a male perspective. What is the use if he come back later after spoiling the married life. Is it for old age service. Why should she take the burden that time.[/QUOTE]
     

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