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Planning To Divorce And Pregnant.. Please Advice Me.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Blush, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- I totally agree with @anika987

    You are a strong person and have a good support of your parents behind you.
    If you want the baby, don't think of abortion. Your being strong alone is enough for 2 kids .Staying in a marriage with no trust and repeated cheating makes that arrangement dysfunctional, not leaving it.

    Hire a lawyer ASAP.Adultery is a ground for divorce by Indian law.
    Keep all the evidence pointing towards adultery safe with you this time around ,so that he can't deny it.
    Your in laws and H are calling you coz they are scared as hell.IMO, any contact with them now should be through legal means .
    Financially, it will be difficult initially. But sooner or later you will find your feet. He is also bound by law to pay for maintenance and child support .

    If there is still a doubt in your heart and mind , ask yourself - can you see yourself living with him, sharing your bed etc just for the sake of kids ? Your answer lies with you.
    Being by yourself with 2 kids looks more daunting when one thinks of social factors . Subtract them , and then evaluate.
    All the best!!
     
    NeetaR and anika987 like this.
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Blush,

    I am sorry about the pain you are experiencing and I can't even begin to comprehend your pain. Your husband appears to be a drama King (I replaced the word Queen with King) and a habitual wrecker of a healthy marriage. He fails to recognize "Trust" is the most important element of a good marriage.

    For now, don't make any decision. I can understand the conflict in your mind struggling at the same time with the decisions with reference to divorce from a husband who cheated for the second time, feeling guilty about aborting your child and at the same time feeling bad about delivering the baby as it might force you to forgive him and join him once again. Emotional decisions can product only one result and that is to make mistakes.

    Keep evaluating the following:

    1) To what degree you feel bad about abortion?
    2) How strongly you feel about divorcing him and staying away from him?
    3) How happy you feel about building a life of your own and your own job?
    4) If you need to work, do you have resources to look after your kid/kids?
    5) What would be the reaction if the children grow up and learn that their father has committed adultery and hence you made the decision to separate from him?

    Don't worry about the great attitude of your in-laws or how your parents feel, etc. It is important how you feel after careful analysis of the above questions. Even if you make a decision one way or another, there is no need to take action immediately other than the decision with reference to abortion. Do what your Buddhi tells you to do after careful evaluation.

    There is an important lesson I learned this Sunday from a spiritual seeker. She suggested that I should only train my mind to think, "he/she made a wrong act" instead of "he/she is a bad person". In your own words, the marriage appeared to have worked well but for these two major mistakes he had committed in his life. Evaluate very carefully is he a bad person not worth living with or is he a person who made a bad judgment when he was in a particular circumstance?

    If he asks for time, please tell him to meet you in a common place or a place of your choice and ask him to explain why he made the mistake twice. Listen to him carefully to understand what caused him to make the mistake. Never react or give any opinion. Bring back his explanations and evaluate and then make a well-informed decision. If you see a clear path for him not to make this mistake again and not violate your trust, then only, you should consider the option of staying in the marriage.

    I wish you all the best whatever decision you make.

    Viswa
     
    sindmani, Rihana, lavani and 2 others like this.
  3. Kyraa

    Kyraa Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Once a cheater always a cheater by saying that it doesn't he can never be corrected. But now his parents know the situation, next time if this happens again they will be more prepared.

    He may say like you were busy with pregnancy and two kids I felt lonely , so I went behind other woman. ( i read similar line some other cheating thread )Can be possible his parents may be supportive to his decision.

    However bad the situation dil comes only after son!!

    So even if you are planning to go back. Keep your evidence ready. Be mentally prepared for the worst. Keep some ground rules. Start again with counseling and working on why he went in a wrong direction.

    Else try to stand on your feet. May be five years down the line you will have another better life. Until then hang in there.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dont hurry with divorce in haste. Your frustration and the decision to divorce is 100% valid. And I would have done the same if I were in your shoes too.
    But, given the support of your in laws, and their reputation and promise etc... I think you can give this marriage another chance.

    However, don't give in to him too early. Stay at your parents' place, and look for jobs to stay at your own legs in the future.
    Plan everything accordingly.
    Let your husband realize your worth and your courage to kick him out of your life for his infidelity.
    Dont consider reunification anytime soon. Make use of this temporary separation to 1) for your self dependence and 2) his realization.

    In the mean time analyze your own life as an individual and as a mother.
    Would you be fine living the rest of your life all alone?
    Would you consider re-marriage with 2 kids?
    Would you hope for a better life/future alone or with another partner?
    Would you forgive your H's infidelity?
    Would you consider him as a father of your children down the line?

    Ask all these questions and many more when you are in a stable mind (possibly many months from now). And see what exactly you need.

    At that time if you think it is worth a second chance, given the fact that your PILs are involved, and you have given him an ultimatum, ya.. you can reunite again.
    There are many people who have reunited after temporary separation to live a happy marriage ever after

    But, in the mean time if you feel self dependent or find another companion for life, and think your H will never change... apply for divorce.
    This way, you won't regret your choice
     
  5. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

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    This is a very difficult situation, especially considering that you are pregnant. The first concern is that the baby is healthy and the stress of a divorce at this moment is not going to be good for the baby. I would suggest that if you can--go live with your parents for some if not all of your pregnancy without making a final decision. Your pregnancy hormones may influence your decision making and being that it is a big decision, why not give it time. I have known couples who have survived infedelity after a separation. If he can be faithful during the separation then maybe he has had his true wake up call and you can work on salvaging your marriage after the baby is born. He also needs to know the conditions under which you would consider staying married. If he shows dedication in his efforts, it may be worth another try. I am sorry for you because infidelity is heartbreaking. I hope that God blesses you and gives you strength in overcoming this hurdle. Like others have said only you know the details of your circumstances, so only you can determine the right choice.
     
    Viswamitra likes this.
  6. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV - good , wordly advise .

    To stay with a spouse who cheats repeatedly , is not unheard of. I guess in the end , it comes down to the individual facing such a difficult situation and what he/she considers to be the best course for their life .OP should definitely think it over during a temporary separation.

    Just one question in my mind - should the 'supportive' parents - in - law be even considered a factor for going back?
    Why are they supportive in the first place ? Is it fear of society or do they actually hold their son culprit ? And even if they know that it's their son in the wrong, this won't stop the husband from committing the same mistake again . It's him and him alone who can control his urges to cheat ( and obviously he didn't do so after the first time ).
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    It is difficult to love husband when trust is broken. Its a very tough and heart breaking situation to be in. I suggest you not to rush to divorce, but consider a temporary separation for some time till you get clarity in your thoughts and mean while stay in your parents house. If you go back now, he wont get a strong message that you can kick him out if its necessary. Don't make it too easy for him. Your PILS may try to bring you back as soon as possible to save their face. What if he do it again. For them its easy -Tell them you need time. But you are the one who is suffering now. Let your dh get some sense what he is going to loose. Only you know what you can do, depth of this EMA and its impact. Keep all the evidence safe. Dont delete it again. Some can forgive but not everyone.

    Use this temporary separation for financial freedom and to build your own life. Its is better not to depend on anyone. If you want you can ask him the reason but don't give any reply. If you want to go back, make the conditions very clear to them. Also make sure he attends a counselling section. If you want to file divorce, then also you should be 100% sure about it. Once you are relaxed a bit, weigh the pluses and minuses of all the options you have as suggested by other ILItes. Would you stay single for kids or consider remarriage. Will you able to trust and love and share your life with him if you go back. Think well about all the possibilities and your comfort in each option. Then decide what you want to do. If you can take a decision with strong conviction, without any confusion, you will not repent your choice later. But follow your mind & be practical. May you get peace & happiness with whatever decision you take.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
    lavani and Viswamitra like this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    How is it possible to live ones own life & be happy by living with a cheating husband. It will be life a long torture. Isn't it. Else he should change and completely stop this behavior. Just checking as its a male perspective. What is the use if he come back later after spoiling the married life. Is it for old age service. Why should she take the burden that time.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    i have seen men become wild beasts when their wives were found smiling with another person. now that is extreme but consider reversing the gender here, imagine it was you, who day and out worked for your family and later found that your wife is cheating on you. All she says you were not emotionally present or some stupid BS reason. Will you sit quiet .

    it is easy to tell , leave or do not leave.

    i will agree with other posters, temp seperation is important. Also please understand there is a huge difference person breaking a happy marriage and a person breaking an abusive marriage.

    you project as if she is at fault here. sorry if i sound too feminist.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  10. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Emotionally ? What does that mean ? Does it mean that he was having a lovey-dovey chat on whatsapp with another ? And his telephone had that evidence all laid open for you (and anyone else) to see? I agree that husbands have to be cleverer than that. Mercifully lots of them are. Although many of us believe that we have a 100% mindshare of our man, many of us also know that we are whistling dixie*.

    When pregnant, the brain/mind is not all rational, and deliberate. Fortuitously, divorce in India is a long drawn out affair. Longer if there are children involved, and even more so, if one of the parties is an unwilling participant. So, you'd be looking at 5 to 10 years between filing and judgement. I would recommend saving the "evidence", such as it is, in some safe place, living away from him until after the childbirth, or as long as you can (if you/your parents can afford it), and then give it a reconsider.

    *idiom that means "to have an unrealistic, usually overly optimistic, view of something"
     
    Viswamitra likes this.

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