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How To Help My Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Oct 16, 2018.

  1. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    first i would like to say , how sorry i am to hear your situation.

    being an adult sucks and yet as kids we want to grow up.

    just my 2 cents. not sure if there are even worth. one thing i learnt about men, is logic and ego. may be it is primal . they don't open up just upto anyone. if they see someone who is better than them irrespective of that senior persons age , position in society they will open up like little boys. i.e. y men who had good father are deeply connected or fight deeply like real cold where they do not talk for years.

    what i can say, you have to appreciate him, show that you need him and his strength to help you. tell him how great he is taking care of things without you. how much you need him in your life. ( not straight i love you) . it is just like men are from mars. they need a purpose. sorry this sounds stupid. but so many times, when I proudly talk about my H to my mom in front of him, he has such a child like happiness, it is hard to explain.

    next is his buddy , cousin anyone who was close to him. if he opens to them, let him. that is the way to cope what is really bothering him. don't feel bad if he does not open to you, my H does not all the time, if somehow senses i am over emotional .

    slowly push him to go for exercise.

    also taking care of kids takes a huge toll on men, they need to cool down, that is where going to connect with buddies or exercise helps. you have to plan that buffer time for him.

    hope this helps.

    it is very hard to explain, some men are deeply connected to their dads. my H is, even though his dad died 22 years back, he suddenly sheds a tear when he watches something related to father son in tv or suddenly remembers his father ( sometimes he says it feels like yesterday )
     
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  2. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Hurt of your own parents' betrayal is hard to swallow. To top it, you are away as well. If he is not responding during phone calls, write an elaborate email on how you will stand by him even if his decision is to restart a relationship with his parents. May be just him. He could talk to them and hear their side as well.

    Since you don't believe in magic or witchcraft per se and believe in the strength of God's blessings you could even forgive them. But let them know that you are onto them and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Give them a warning.

    May be your husband is riddled with doubts and did not get the sort of closure you would get from hearing their side as well.

    Whether he rekindles his relation or not, never send kids alone to their home and may be avoid eating there for the time being.
     
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  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I do understand your religious beliefs. It is lot to digest about his own parents, it may take some time for him to recover from the news.


    It is a good idea to bring your family to your current place and move away from your ILs, it will ease your mind.

    Take care of yourself and the family.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2018
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    [Poovai

    Nope. In my country no one believes in BM, though everyone knows it is there.
    I mean evils are there, ghosts are there, evil energy is there. And we do follow the holy bible and some holy Quran and few Jewish too. According to all of faith, these evil matters are well elaborated, but we know they can't do anything if we are connected to God.
    So, I don't even know if anyone in my country really worry about it at all.

    But there is a little minority in my country, who are Indian origins. Among them, evil spirit, BM, which craft, Vashiyam etc..etc.. is very very common.
    Even before marriage itself we knew my PILs community is into it. But we least bothered about it as we knew they can't do anything to us.
    It just the evil works for those who are connected to evils in anyway (either worshiping evils or doing anything with them) My PILs are like that.

    Now the point here is not about the BM. For us, it is just a piece of metal.
    But for my H it is really really harmful stuff and he is frightened about it

    He thinks his decade long suffering such as job loss, financial issues (debt), health issues, and conflict in the family are related to it only. In fact, he went to India to double check this with a pandit, and confirmed it.
    Meanwhile, the priest who helped us with removing this BM is also from Kerala anyway.

    In Sri Lanka, there is no expert to keep BM and there is no expert to remove it either.

    Had my PILs been originally from here, I wouldn't have given a damn on this issue, because I know its impossible here. But Ive heard and read many articles about the pandits in south India, who could do that.

    Now, the issue is not whether BM works or not. Issue is my PILs hatred towards our family since a decade, and how evil it can get over time.
    Regardless of their BM, I strongly believe such evils should never be allowed in our lives and home.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2018
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Problem is not about BM, but their 10 year long hatred and evil doing against us in every way.
    Ya, I shall forgive them as I have been doing since the past 10 years. But can never forget them or trust them ever again. That's why I prefer to stay away from them
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I have seen about black magic only in movies. But could it be that your in-laws were doing it for reasons other than causing harm? Could it be for protection for their son or may be to even have some control over him. Intent needn't be bad all the time right even if does not work?

    If possible try to talk to them about it. If not for your peace of mind believe that it was for your family's protection.

    Could the priest who came for removal of the object be a fraudulent person and the "recovery" was a sleight of hand?
     
  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Perhaps your PILs are evil people and want bad things to happen to you/their son and his family . I dont know.

    Contemplating if I should post this but I have to say this since this is a public forum , and such prejudice should not be left as is... so yes I post this unwelcome post

    .
    Oxymoron some?
    Atleast your DH does.
    And perhaps you do too, that is what your first post shows even though you deny it , in fact a little too vehemently.

    Such sweeping generalisation.
    The problem - wanting a person sans their heritage , their ancestory, culture. their upbringing . Tough!
     
  8. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey OP,

    Sorry to see your H suffer this way. There was a time in my life when i hit rock bottom and my mom was also a part to it or a reason for it to happen. I didnt really mind everyone else's attitude but my mom's betrayal and her harsh words still haunt me to this day. Right now though things are better. My mom stays with me and we are in good terms but to reach this level, it was a tough and long journey.

    More than the words, its just the thought of my mom doing or saying things which hurt me a lot. So parents' betrayal is unbearable. Coming out of it isn't easy. It takes a lot of time and mental strength to forgive them and try to move on with our life. The only thing for him now is your and your family's support which you seem to be showering in abundance. Keep doing it. Slowly he will emerge out of it.

    Regarding BM, let him find the answers he is seeking. No matter how much ever you say, for a believer, it is frightening. So let him cross the bridge slowly. Just be there with him holding him tight so he doesn't fall down.

    And he will come to terms with his parents' betrayal only when he talks to his parents about it. He needs to have a good and frank talk with them. I couldn't get rid of all the negative thoughts that played in my mind until i spoke my heart out to my mom. I might have yelled, cried and done a lot but it calmed me down. And i could do that only when i felt ready.

    Healing takes time. Just be beside him...and wishing you all the best and good things in life!
     
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  9. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with this post, well said point.

    This is way too generalisation about the Indian community. Comments belittle all indian origin in srilanka.


    Both are contradictory.. hmmm...

    Pls read your comment once again. no one in your country bothers, but u r bothered so much and ur husband afraid that all his losses are due to this..

    I am not sure whether ur PIL's really did something or that pandits did something for money and put all blame on PIL's. Already u know very well about the indian community right.. are u sure they didnt do anything to appear like ur PIL's did something to get money from u guys.. Why all blame on Indian origins, PIL's community etc.
     
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  10. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    Read the first quote, Thats the answer for ur second quote..
     
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