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Kindergartner Challenge

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by gamma50g, Sep 25, 2018.

  1. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    My daughter is 5 years old. She was in another school for her pre school and started Kindergarten this year in a private school.

    She is indicating to us that the other kids want to be friends with her. This is a school where a majority of the kids are Indians. Some have been with this school since pre K and some joined this year (including my daughter). They all have formed their own groups. My daughter is however playing alone during recess time. When she tries to join other girls during play time, they seem to ignore her. A boy sitting next to her wouldn't talk to her and told her that the teacher asked him not to talk to my daughter and to make "good choices" with respect to her.

    Its been almost a month. My daughter is very social and had a lot of friends at preschool. While she is not complaining about the school (or that she does not like school/friends etc), we are worried she is not having an ideal social experience there.

    How do I handle this situation? I don't want her to end up a loner. Experienced parents please help!!!
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Things I am learning through my parenting journey for building social connections for the kids:
    A) Build a rapport with the teacher by volunteering in school : besides the academic she has a fair idea about how your child is coping socially with her peers
    B) Build a rapport with other parents , not all atleast a few
    C) PLAYDATES : start with one on one and then transition to groups. This will transition to friendships at school
    D) Don’t make the child conscious about not having friends. The other kids do a good job of that. You want to be the comfort zone for her to come home and feel secure and confident.

    D) is very important to me. I want my kids to fit in socially but also do it with no impact on their self esteem. I do not want them to feel the pressure to “fit in”.
    I would rather them be a confident loner than be social with low self worth. If a particular group of kids do not like him it is fine ( provided he is not mean to anyone).
     
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  3. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi

    I went through something similar with my daughter. She was a very social child at pre-school and she started K at Public School, again in a district with a majority of Indian children and I had very similar concerns. Also, she is August born and is usually the youngest in her class, and that was another level of worry I had. But it all got sorted out by itself. All I did was to keep telling her to go make friends, and go and introduce herself. I also talked to her teacher and expressed my concerns and teachers are usually on top of these things, as far as my experience has been. I think it's just a matter of time, children usually adapt.

    As @SinghManisha suggested, setting up playdates is a good way to help the kids break ice with each other. May be reach out to a parent and set up something to meet at the park or something. As she said, don't keep feeling bad for the child in front of the child. That might end up giving her the impression that her friends are bad for not including her. Just keep encouraging her to go out and talk to other kids.
     
  4. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    @SinghManisha I am unable to volunteer at this stage since I have a toddler with me at home. But, this is my top priority next year when he will start his daycare.

    Next, I plan to coordinate with parents of her classmates for a playdate as you suggested.

    As @peartree suggested, I will meet up at a local park first and see how it goes.

    Hopefully things work out.

    Thank you for your suggestions.
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2018
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This deserves some investigation even if it did not bother your DD unduly. The phrase "good choices" is not something a 5 year old boy or girl can make up.

    You can check what is the process for parent teacher communication in this private school. Usually, the parent needs to approach the teacher first before talking to anyone else in school. Find out how to take an appointment with the teacher. In cases like this one, it is better to not tell too much in emails before-hand and observe the teacher's unprepared reaction and response.

    I would prefer to start off by email rather than phone call. Mention something(s) positive, then briefly say there is a particular classroom/recess thing you'd like to talk about. Assure the teacher that it is nothing serious. "Would just like get your inputs on it as you see so many students of this age each year." Don't write the boy's exact words.

    The one time we had one semi-serious issue with school, I arranged a meeting via email, and it seemed like only I was going, but both DH and I went, and that was a good move on my part. In the meeting, focus on that particular incident only, don't dilute it with a general talk about your child making more friends. At least, first address the boy's comment sufficiently, and then move to more friends ideas. And don't take child along. You don't want to be distracted with wondering if she is safe etc hanging around out of earshot in the classroom while you (and husband) and teacher talk.

    The above is more applicable to public schools. Private schools sometimes limit the interaction parents can have with teacher beyond the scheduled parent-teacher conferences.

    Generally speaking I would dismiss such comment like what your daughter says that boy made. But, given the times we live in, better to investigate it.

    On an unrelated note: most such incidents and the experience of child having few or no friends bothers mom more than it does the child. Which is actually good. As we can handle our own hurt better than child's.
     
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  6. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    @Rihana

    You are right. This is bothering me and my daughter seems to go to her school without any complaints so far.

    Thank you for your input. Let me find out the protocol to approach her teachers and have a chat with them regarding this.
     
  7. Rojagarden

    Rojagarden Platinum IL'ite

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    My son was a loner too when he started KG. Now he has few good friends. I too was worried like you. But he didn’t bother that he didn’t have fiends. It’s his personality.

    The boy’s comment should be taken on serious note and discussed with the teacher. Other than that if your daughter is not worried, then you too shouldn’t be worried. Some kids still like to play alone at 5 years. Talk to other parents and see if the school and teachers are good. Talk to your daughter about her school and what she did everyday by asking the questions differently when she’s relaxed and good mood. She may open up if something is bothering her. Ask for one on one with teacher every 2 months to see how your child is progressing socially. IMO that is good enough.
     
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