Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

Again...it is me and my mother.
Why is your wife not involved in the decision making ?
Does this not inpact her life?
She is your wife ...not a girlfriend.
She is your life partner.
Start taking decisions in consultations with life partner if you want a loving life partner.


Op....just get a maid for the family.
Neither for your mother...nor for your wife.
Just for the family.

Delegate jobs .

Two meals to wife.Breakfast and lunch.Let mother relax during the day.

One meal to mother.Dinner ....let your wife get mommy time with your child in the evening .

No interferance in each others shifts.
In case one of them is sick.....the other one takes over her cooking .

Ask one of them to do the dishes and the other one to do the clothes.
Preferabling wife to do the dishes. Slowly let her have command over kitchen .

Let mom do the clothes. It is done only once in a day .She can wash and fold the clothes at her convenience without interfering in your wife's morning cooking routine..

Ask the maid to do the cleaning of the house.

When there is resentment in people ,even small issues get magnified.

As your mother grows older, tell her to rest and relax and let your wife take over the running of the house.

Remember...mother is a mother. Love her and take care of her.

Wife is a life partner.....make a life with the life partner not for the life partner.
You are not her father. You are her husband, her companion for life. Take life decisions with her. Make her feel like your other half,then expect her to step up and take responsibility for half your life.

If you treat her like a third person...she will behave like a third person .
She is not the third person in the house ,she is your wife,your life partner.

 

isn't it in the culture ? Our morning invocation to Rama has no reference to Sita at all:

Kowsalya supraja Rama poorva sandhya
pravarthathe Uthishta narasardoola
karthavyam daivamahnikam

Sri Rama! Kausalya's endearing son! Wake up, dear;
You have to do Your day-to-day duties; Do wake up please.​

 

while i still state your wife is your priority first. and it is high time that you have to setup a small place for mum. because as a man you are thinking logically which is not going to fly here. it is emotions in play here.

i will also say all is not wrong from your side. I noticed women ( not all ) in India are lazy. because thy are so used to having maids or eating out. they just are lazy. and when you are lazy, any task feels so hard.

hand pain.. i found it hilarious. here in new jersey , in winter, sub zero temp. get up 6. get the kids ready . goto work. come home. cook , do dishes ( well H also helps ) and kids home work and then make them sleep and then go back to work sometimes , need to finish my code.

hand pain. i wish i had that luxury.

that said. things are really bad, i am telling from experience. you need to setup something for your mom seperate . and your wife needs to handle house and kid alone when you goto work. Ofcourse you can hire maid and help her when you are back from work.

also you have to pass a serious note to your in laws to stop breaking your family. ask them to stop interfering.

sorry to say , your situation will not change unless you seperate the ladies.

 

Just to prove your point please do not bring in the culture and god's name in vain.

The above sloka was sung by Vishwamitra before Rama was married. There is no way he could have included Sita.

Also, if you see Rama's idol ..you do not see just him...you see him with his Sita, Lakshmana and hanuman ofcourse.

I repeat, please do not bring in our culture and god to prove a silly point.

Sorry for deviating from the topic.

 

You could have made your life simple by letting your wife know that you are planning to get a maid very soon.
And FYI , there are many middle class houses who hire maids.

 

Quite a few of the situations sound similar to my case many many years back...

1) Well meaning mother who can act interfering/annoying

2) Wife who treats her own parents as God, while acting super duper critical when it comes to MIL, every single mistake is amplified many times


Amulet's first advice above is Gold.

1) Take the lead and act like you are the one on whom everyone else depends

2) If they stress you out, then your work will be affected, and in turn, their comforts as well

3) Don't badmouth either in front of the other

 

@KrishnaSri
As the majority has advised you to stay separate for a short while atleast ; try to implement the same and see if any improvement happens. But it may not be as easy as it is said ; to suddenly make your mom to stay alone but if thats the only choice left to repair your marriage go ahead and do it. I am sure that can make drastic changes in ur wive’s behaviour (positive changes of course)
Visit mom on weekends if possible,that way the hostility btwn both of them would reduce. You can eventually see them interacting much more happily whnver they meet nd stay together!

Don’t let your mom feel abandoned either. Ask if ur sister can also help by visiting her often.As for your wive’s crazy behavior, I acknowledge it to her attention seeking technique under the current circumstances-she s probably doing the same unknowingly. She has felt left out at many instances I am sure which is pushing her to behave in this manner.
Remember ur life partner is the one who is going to be with you throughout ur life through thick and thin. All the rest of them will have to leave us at one point or the other including our parents and children. So treat them with care and dont take them for granted. Only you both are going to suffer the most if the marriage goes dysfunctional. All the best!

 

I agree with what @yellowmango told..
In general, if there is a small child at home workload becomes double..joint family even more..
And house has to be kept clean..
How much ever it costs get a maid for basic sweeping, mopping and utensil washing...
Get automatic washing machine and wash clothes in the, if possible ask maid to operate machine and dry clothes outside..
See how much relief u will all get..
Only food reparation work can be shared amongst wife and mother..according to convenience, and habits like gets up earlier in morning can make breakfast and lunch, and who is comfortable working in evening can make evening snacks and dinner etc..
Better to keep meals simple..
I'm from middle class family only still we keep maid..
The days when our maid takes leave , it creates havoc in our house too similar to what you described..
Really in joint family setup I can't imagine managing without maid..
Getting a little outside help and a little diplomacy is very necessary in managing the situation..

 

I will refrain from providing solutions to your problems because I lack the skills. But reading the above was very disturbing. Is your wife educated? It's a shame that a fully grown woman abuses a helpless child as a way of getting out her frustration. This is your child too and she is not your wife's punching bag. Why are you not standing up against this kind of child abuse? Do you realize you're letting your child down by watching her mom slap her for no fault of her own? Slapping a 2 year old child because the mother is mad at someone else is just shameful. I hope you are able to resolve your marital problems and your wife stops Hurting your child.