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Appreciating Other Kids In Front Of Own Kid

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Rihana, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    A local child (AB) made it to the nationals of a very competitive event in spring. It is a unique event and not one of the usual competitions. Then, another child (CD) achieved something the whole community is very proud of. It came in the local weekly magazine, and child has been called to speak at schools etc.

    We were talking about AB at dinner. DH is usually clueless and I have to give him whole background and then the actual news. I was also talking about CD on phone to parent who came back from India and had missed updates over the summer.

    So, DH at dinner (using unspoken language) told me to pipe down and change topic. Later he said that it is ok to talk about accomplishments of other kids but to not overdo it. Apparently, my kid was looking a little hurt or something at my detailed description of the event and the other child's accomplishment.

    DH suggested I tone down my "wow" when my kid is in earshot. It shut me up for a bit : ) but I realized that he is right. My kid is not jealous of the other kid at all (we know this), but seeing mom appreciate other kid so much did upset him a little. Of course, I also go wow over his accomplishments at home and with our friends who genuinely care. Each time something is there to go wow about him, he immediately tells me, "now you will go tell this aunty, that aunty." : )

    What do you think? Should we watch our tone and words when appreciating other kids in front of our kids?
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Came here to start a thread and saw yours :)
    I completely agree with your DH.

    Me too. Hey, it's my baby and I deserve some amount of extra pride. I'll even post on FB, Insta etc but the "grandmother" isn't letting me. She monitors my social media activity to make sure I'm not announcing to the whole world:BangHead::BangHead::BangHead:

    I think, with young adults, it's best to strike a balance. I don't know about other Moms but I'm constantly nagging and critiquing and yelling and fighting for what she isn't doing right. I don't spend enough time showing her the positives of her. It's best we tone down the others appreciation. It's ok to mention in passing but not dwell on it while older kids are around. With very young kids, my approach was different. I did it to make sure the kids knew there were others doing things we can't do, it's ok and that there is always something good in each person.

    I may have already gotten an answer to my problem(Listen to the hubby). Thanks for starting this thread :)
     
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  3. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your husband is right. Just make a passing remark.
    Syamala
     
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  4. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Difficult question.

    On one side I agree with your husband, however on the other, our children should also learn to appreciate other people's achievements.

    They should know that their parents' love is not based on their achievements, and learn that mom or dad speaking highly of others does not even remotely mean that they do not appreciate them. (too many of "they, them"...sorry folks!)

    Again, balance! Oh parenting.... never easy!
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2018
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  5. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, I would tone it down a bit in front of my kid or involve him in the praising. Like for instance I would ask him "It is difficult to get to this level in so and so contest right?" That would probably not make him feel as irritated, and I am speaking for my own kid here, each child is different.
    But one thing about this is you gotta be prepared for any kind of reply lol :D

    At the end of the day kids and adults are human beings with feelings after all and I know I would be at least a tad disappointed, albeit secretly, if my kids were to praise some other mom sky high.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree with your dh, if the wow tone delivers a sigh of wish mine did it too..( young adult interepretations for a single wow or sigh of a parenrs can surprise you sometimes.)

    The key is communication, to develop the right acceptance in our kids without making them feel they are lacking..

    Dh always says when i say cd is super, it does not mean dd/ds is not, it just means cd did something good, and the hard effort or brilliance has to be appreciated.

    In short, give credit where it is due needs to be practiced at this age.. helps them
     
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  7. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @Rihana,

    Why, why, why? Why do you make us think so much?!! And open up online too......!!

    As a teacher, I kind of have it a little easier than you I think. My children are used to me talking about the amazing things my students do and somewhere along the line I must have learnt to assure them that the good things I hear from their teachers and other aunties makes my heart swell with pride about them. They understand that many others will also do wonderful things and we should celebrate.

    That said, if it is something as good as you speak (like in the case of these kids), I think it is okay to show the excitement. I think kids are way smarter than we give them credit for (duh! Like you didn't know!!) and if something like getting mentioned in a paper gets downplayed/shared with not much excitement, they might wonder as to why you are doing that (and may figure out that we didn't want them to feel bad and in my experience, very often kids are quite appreciative of their peers) - purely personal opinion and please take it as another point of view. Of course if a parent continues to praise that other kid till another one comes along, then yes what your DH said is absolutely right.

    Initial appreciation is okay in my opinion. Our kids should know that we don't judge them and when something good happens to others, we say so. Agreed when a random kid does something amazing, it may not excite us as much as one we know personally and similarly our own kids may not feel as bad if we praise a random kid (like in my case, my students) than the ones we know personally. I also believe age matters - if the other child is similar to ours, it may make them look at themselves and question than a senior or a younger kid! Balancing! Ooph! Hardest thing to do ever. We have to teach kids that not everything (when we speak of failure/success/good/bad in others) should be taken personally and applied to self.

    I do watch a few parents bring another kid with their own and actually speak the wonderful things that the other child does after talking about their own. I am also fortunate to have a few friends who celebrate my kids' successes as much as they celebrate their own. Teaching kids that we will be appreciative of successes of others will help them cope and appreciate the appreciation they receive from others as well - it can also foster better bonding.

    There!! My two cents, as a long rambling!
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That's what I was thinking. It also struck me how much thought we put into each thing. Dads don't. Some days I tell him I wish I was more like you in some things.

    I will not be quoted on this....... : ) I refuse to be quoted..... but I am predicting that if years from now we sit and tally who was right more w.r.t kids, it will be him. Quite often he is starting to receive texts that tell him is right, and I should listen to him. The wise man (or we've been married long enough), knows something is going on in my monkey mind and gets dinner from out without asking. Which is brave of him, as it is a risk.. if I have made dinner and he brings from out....... : )

    Yeah. The actual remark can be short enough, it is the background information that husband needs that takes up time.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I get what you are saying. I think children are essentially capable of appreciating other's achievements genuinely. I've seen it in school assemblies and award ceremonies. The children are really happy when their friends achieve something. Maybe parents feel a little the-j-word. : )
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    An astute observation. Young adults examine parent's wow, sigh and expression more closely than we ever dare to examine their uncleaned room or phone left unlocked by chance. : ) : )
     
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