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How To Deal With Incompatibility

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shravs3, Aug 14, 2018.

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  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    your husbandly is subtly ensuring you are always dependent on him, maybe that feeds his ego. My ex was like that. When we would travel, he would keep all travel documents with him saying that I ll keep it safely, you might lose it. The first time I said I would go traveling by myself, he said this and that and blah blah might happen. I turned a deaf ear and went ahead. It turned out to be a great trip and I realized that not only could I do things without him , I could enjoy that greater than or equally. I would so go ahead and plan a trip through some travel group. Insist on it and go through this no matter what he says. One, it will teach him that if he is going to deny this to you, you will get it somehow, and two, you will str=art doing things more independently and expect less.
     
  2. BerryPine

    BerryPine Gold IL'ite

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    Well...then he is that sorta person who just wants to relax and laze around types. Make him understand that this honeymoon period is where you guys can explore the 'couple', parenting is entirely an another world.
    Increase the dose with respect to Communication,encouraging and flirting.
    Tip:-Get a dart board, who wins must give orders(doable) and the other has to follow.(we did that early days after wedding).
    Practice independence,it will help you in the long run.
    Best wishes :)
     
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  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes very true. I like to be independent too. But I am not getting the chance.
    He is a person if I do anything against his wishes he screams like hell and ensure that I listen to him else he will not talk for days so I have to compromise :weary:.
    Don’t know how to overcome this!
     
  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thing is I am not currently working which is the cause for all my disappointments. To plan things I need money which is not given by him.
    He is a personality with some trust issues. He doesn’t give me cash or card I need to ask him for everything if he feels it’s required only then he buys it.
    Sometimes hating this setup.
    Hope I get a good job and become less dependent on him :crybaby2:
    He is controlling personality I need to make him understand that it’s really bad and we are adults too we can take our decisions independently.

    And my main worry is by chance even after getting job if he controls my finances then I will be helpless!
     
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  5. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    @shravs3,

    Not good, Straighten few things first in your life. Young lady, I cannot even imagine, why are you so gullible and obedient wife? There are time, you have to raise your voice and ask for your rights. It has nothing to do with, you are working or not. Don't you have any friends of friend or distant relative, cousins to teach you about some basics of marriage life?

    You need the following list in your purse ASAP:
    - Driving license (try to get it in a week or two)
    - Get a credit card on your name
    - Keep minimum $20-50 cash in hand

    - A bank checking book, joint or individual under your name
    - Nominee of his work place compensation / insurance

    I left twice my handbag in the shopping cart and came home .... when I went for grocery shopping! Left my credit card in the restaurants. Made accidents and had to deal with the police. See, things will happen, it cannot be completely avoided. If it happens, learn to deal with it.

    Your DH may have good intentions, but he cannot protect you, for ever.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You answered it already. You compromise. These kind of actions are to silence you. It is working it seems.
    If you believe you are right,then dont compromise. Stick with what you think. Let him not talk. Nothing is going to happen even if you dont talk with him for a few weeks. Another way is to stop doing all free services from you if he ever shout at you. Just do the minimum for survival. No service as wife. Don't give up. Sometimes silent mode wont work, if so talk only the important things and completely ignore him till he apologize or come to you. See what works for you. Dont use the word sorry unnecessarily.

    You have to show him that if he misbehave (screaming or shouting) this way, you don't care even a bit. Show some effect -Like he cannot 'ensure' that you bend to his screaming. When he find that this tactic is not working , he will eventually reduce doing it. Let him know for every action there is a reaction. But save energy for only important things not for silly or avoidable points

    You can request him to give you some money every month for emergency, open a bank account for you and get a credit card. Or he can order a secondary credit card for you. Try for driving licence if you dont have. It is an ID card in USA. Take small steps like others suggested.

    One important thing; if any question with " can I ...." from you get a no answer , then stop asking permission for every thing. Start taking decisions by yourself. If you want to buy just buy it. If you want to relax, go for a walk , Just go.. tell him you are going for a walk.Find similar things.. take small steps... If he questions tell him you want it. You are not a kid, you are an adult. When he start to control you, tell him you are an adult. He need to respect that.

    Don't allow anyone to control you beyond your comfort zone even if its your husband , because that will suffocate you and make you a bitter person. Only you can fight for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
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  7. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the reply @DDream. Yes I should fight for myself !
     
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Actually when I was in India his mom had told me once that if he gets angry on something until the opposite person doesn’t change or apologise him he won’t talk back to them . Be it father or mother it can extend to weeks .
    After coming to US I experienced the same after few months. After a fight we used to not talk atleast for a week.
    If he realises his mistake he initiates the conversation else he will be happy in his own world without bothering about me.
    But later on I realised this may not be good in long run so I used to apologise if it’s my mistake. Problem is both have little ego problems which is why it’s affecting more.

    And when we are normal he tells me if the same thing is repeated again and again then it will affect both of us and even if I go apologise him he will never respond to that and he will become like a rock!

    Hearing various other incidents which he told is making me even more worried. Once he fought with his cousin for some stupid reason and both dint talk for months together.. later his cousin had to go and talk to him .

    According to him husband and wife should not argue , but he is not being practical. I try gaving him so many examples that there will be agreements and disagreements between couples but later we should forget those and move on.

    He says I should try telling him softly even for disagreement. But he won’t listen to me at all so tat makes me shout crazily..

    Thing is looks like his mom never argues or raise against his dad because he is a very dominant and arrogant person. So she fear about him and never questions him even if his dad is wrong.
    He wants me to be like his mom but how’s that possible ? Each person is different and each ones temper is different . If she doesn’t question her husband if he is doing some mistake then it’s her fault definitely.
    Seeing that same thing his son wants me to act like his mom!!
     
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have got my LL , yet to get my DL.
    I keep telling him that let’s open a credit card he is like why do you need it you can ask me if you need anything I will buy it. I even told him atleast give me 50$ a month but he never gave me till now.


    The problem is he is too stingy sometimes he is like why should we pay the credit card fee for such minimal usage I’m like :BangHead:.
    He is like first get a job then let’s apply for a card.
    He tells me you never go out so you don’t need it.
    So I stopped askin him again I myself felt bad for pestering him always .

    If I had known about such things I would have never come to US. Happily I used to continue with my job in India and live freely
     
  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    What is his idea, Returning back to India within few months, say in 3-6 months?

    All he said is applicable only if he is on temporary on-site assignment of 3-6 months.

    It is time, you discuss with your parents about his nature and ask for their advise.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
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