1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How To Deal With Incompatibility

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shravs3, Aug 14, 2018.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. BerryPine

    BerryPine Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    727
    Likes Received:
    654
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Op says she serves his needs and her needs been gone invisible eventually.

    I might sound weird,Are you guys financially sound? Sometimes when a h implements his plans and disregard the others plans could be coz of the bucks involved for which the lame reason comes out.
     
    Amulet and shravs3 like this.
  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    No this may not help always.
    If we don’t tell that what they are doing is wrong they won’t even know it.
    Of course yes! But the thing is even if it’s a free event he postpones stuff. That’s the problem. I don’t always suggest places which needs lot of money . Infact I tell him for movies we need to pay money but there are other free things to do like just a park , a lake , a beach etc which don’t require much money at all.
    I am not talking about long vacations though . We have been to couple of them.

    But all I meant was stuffs to do on weekends which are nearby and budget friendly too!
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
    sindmani, Sunshine04 and Amulet like this.
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    That I obviously do. I ask sensible stuff . It’s not that he needs to shell huge amount of money for the places I choose. Most of them are free / budget friendly.

    And regarding the opinions it’s wifes / partners duty to tell them if they are wrong . Of course both should have a say in certain things. What’s wrong in telling a partner that wat they do is wrong. They realising and changing is a different part . But there is nothing wrong in sharing opinions or views about them.

    What I meant was both should behave how the other one expects atleast sometimes
     
    Amulet likes this.
  4. HazelPup

    HazelPup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    839
    Likes Received:
    2,245
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi OP
    Its pretty much safer than our motherland. Unfortunate incidents happen everywhere which is out of our control. Please let not these stop you from exploring and experiencing. Try to take baby steps in going out by yourself or with like minded friends
     
    sindmani and shravs3 like this.
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    Bingo! That’s what I tell him. But he is little over protective so he doesn’t want me to go explore alone.

    In all these months only once he allowed me to go alone since it was something related to some technical event.

    I was so happy that day that I went alone in some foreign country :cheer:.

    Sometimes for groceries I convince him that I will get it by myself since it’s walkable from home.
     
    Amulet and HazelPup like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Maybe after a long week of working, he wants to relax at home? That too, you cook so well. Since you have been to long vacations, it is not like he doesn't like going out at all. Of course, he should understand that you are pretty much stuck at home in the week and need to go out in the weekends.

    There seems to be a bigger and more basic imbalance than just difference over weekend outings. Even if you get a driver's license and even a job, looks like he will still be the one to decide many things, and you can suggest, but he will have final approval.
    "Allowed" you to go alone. That should bother. Over protective can be limited to you texting him frequently, or he able to track your location. You are educated and were working in India. You can very well handle public transit and exploring your city on your own.

    You are having to convince him that you can walk by yourself to the grocery store. This needs fixing. Just go.

    What I am saying is that the basic imbalance has to be addressed. Even if you are not working and yet to get a driving license, he cannot have so much say over things. Cannot say 'will not fund this course/ that course' and then change mind. Expenses, outings, etc have to be a joint decision.

    Take small steps. Figure out public transit. Maybe you'll have to take Uber till the nearest station or bus stop. Start exploring on your own. Even going to the main public library or a museum on a weekday will do wonders for you.
     
    GoneGirl, Laks09 and shravs3 like this.
  7. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes you understood my situation correctly.

    This is what I have been telling him.
    I know he will be tired on weekdays as I can understand how tiring his job is.

    So I ask him only one day ie either Saturday or Sunday so that one day even he can rest.

    And the main problem is he tries to control me even for things which aren’t serious like grocery shopping and stuff . So I am feeling I am being controlled too much.

    I feel uncomfortable as my parents had given freedom for such things and they hadn’t controlled me like how I am being controlled now.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
    Rihana likes this.
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    This is my actual worry.. For major things of course I will ask his opinion but for minor things I want to be able to do myself.. I too want some freedom
     
    Sunshine04 and Rihana like this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Takes time. Every marriage in its initial 2-4 years, takes time to settle down. You are aware of what you want and what is fair. So, it will happen.

    To start, cut down on asking him if you know he will say no. And start going to grocery alone regularly. See if that friend with a kid can take you anywhere. You might be able to help her in some ways.

    Another thing is to set aside some time in the weekend for yourself. A long walk is not a bad idea. A walk you go out on without setting up each and every thing in the house. You simply step out telling by when you'll be back.

    To be frank, I am suggesting very tactful ways. I feel like saying, simply don't cook food some days. Or cook very basic stuff.

    The setup is very convenient for him. He also comes home for lunch, right?

    Anyway, be patient. Small steps. And cut down on the asking.
     
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes very true :grinning:. He is happy about it.

    Long walk is a good idea too.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page