Happy Relationship With Mil? Share The Little Tips/tricks/strategies

Forgiveness does not change the past; but, it has all the potential to change the future.

Only strong ones can forgive, it is the power of love that enables one to forgive and it is a way to let go of the past. Forgiveness is not easy; at times more painful than the wound one suffered; yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.

 

Excellent practical tips . Adding a few more.

• Look for gaps and try to fill in . My MIL does not have daughters. I did not realize the full impact of what that meant until I got married . Having married into a very traditional household where men primarily take care of things outside home she was pretty much left to her devices to take care of her home. No one to consult with ,share her feelings or even give her company about even routine things like shopping ,decoration or even kitchen stuff. FIL and her sons have zero patience with shopping for the usual girly stuff..saris,decorative stuff jewelry.I did not try to be her daughter. Just another lady in the house. Someone she can talk to about choice of menu or go shopping or just lend a hand in the kitchen. I would go with her everywhere. She is generous to a fault and we would come back home loaded with shopping bags .I still look forward to my shopping trips with her during my india trips and most of the time ditch hubby and go with her and bhabhi. They are lot more fun.
• There is a 1 b to this. Most men in my household (parents and in-laws side) are not involved in social niceties like remembering and wishing on birthdays/annivs, send gifts to nephews and nieces ,parents etc. I could have easily stayed away from it and DH would be clueless. Would have made no diff to FIL or BIL but my MIL is a little girl at heart and it would have hurt her. So no matter what I make sure to track and remind DH to call on all imp events send gifts etc. MIL knows her sons only too well and over the years has been very appreciative of it.
• What happens between us stays between us. DH family is large ..I mean really really large. It has its pluses and minuses. Large get togethers during weddings etc meant there was the inevitable gossip . As a new DIL I was gently probed to see how my MIL was treating me and if I could share some spicy tidbits. Oh believe me it was tempting to talk ..to offload what was on my mind. Living in a joint family was not easy. I resisted the urge to say anything about my MIL. MIL too. Very classy woman . I overheard her once when the probing was going in the reverse direction to get some gossip about me “Oh how is life as a new MIL with 2 DILs? Have they displaced u already?” Pat came the reply from MIL ”Ayyo but I don’t have DILs no I only have 2 daughters” and changed the topic. Resist the urge to complain about ur PIL to outsiders .If things circle back it will cause irreparable damage to the relationship.
• I ask myself two questions before I fume and fret over anything with her. If this was my mother will I be ok with it? Of course its tempting to think to oneself - but …but…. amma would never do this. Agreed but if she did then what? Would I be happy with my brother if he did this to amma what I am asking now of DH. Between the two questions the answer usually is to let go and move on or at the very least temper by reaction.

 

Well done !
That was exactly my point when I narrated the incident in post #14.

 

This is exactly what I do whenever there is a conflict between myself and PILs. This often make me to stay quiet and eventually ignore the problem.
But this has never made my MIL understand how classy her DIL is, instead she takes them as my weakness to gossip more and more about me without having to worry.
Yet, I couldn't do anything as such given the fact that I was raised by a classy mom.
Recently my youngest co-sis gave it back nicely on MIL's face, and she didn't stop at that. She talked **** about MIL, their dirty secrets, and gossips with everyone. Ya, MIL's family is very large and many of them got to hear the dirty stuff my co-sis shared about MIL.
That shut my MIL for sure. She paid the price for what she has been doing all these while.
And that's when she decided to stop bad mouthing about me, rather comparing the 3 DILs only to say I am the best.
Again, my reaction remains the same. I just ignore it as if nothing happened.

I wish all the MILs are like JAG's MILs or like my SIL's MIL (ya, my mom).
My mom always think about her son and his emotions/comforts before she enter into any arguments with SIL. She says, whatever the issue it may be, ultimately it is my son, who would be throne in between his wife and mom.
And like JAG questions, she too asks the same question to herself before finding faults. Will I take it serious if this was my DD? Obviously the answer is NO. Then why would I find fault when my DIL does it.

Blessed are the people who have classy MILs. But never mind, even with evil MILs, people like me are blessed with patience, tactics, which eventually make us stronger in life.

 

alady2018, thanks for your very kind post Some I learned the easy way some the hard way and a lot still learning!

I have been inspired so much by IL, there are so many gems among the posts and it is indeed great that we are able to guide and inspire each other virtually; without even knowing who the other person is.
More power to all ILs!

 

Don't bend over to impress in the begining.
Do what you can with a smile, without resentment .
If you feel you can take on more work later on....do that. It is easier to start slow and take on more responsibility later than the other way round.

Let them vent to close ones about you without feeling resentment . Everyone needs to vent or people have bigger meltdowns.
You also vent to your people ,they also have the same need.

Don't prejudge based on others experience.

Praise their cooking . Mine is a very good cook and I always praise her cooking .

Appreciate the gifts they give even if they don't do the same .