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Bonding Time With Husband During Parents/in-laws 6 Months Visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by alady2018, Jul 20, 2018.

  1. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @alady2018
    I felt like I was reading myself . My parents would push me and DH out for movie or a concert and I would go there and halfway through it head back home. Not having parents/PIL was not an option that either of us entertained. Keeping gaps of few weeks or a even a month in between was not feasible because of the realities of getting the baby(ies) used to a day care provider or a nanny for a short duration before pulling them out. Just like kids parents also grow older and the frequency of their trips come down significantly. Hard as it may seem now..this is one of the golden phases .

    So here are more things that worked for me . My parents are early risers and go to bed early while my PIL get up a bit later and go to bed later. So during my parents visit I would get up a bit early spend some time alone with parents having that morn coffee and later in the night chat with hubby putting the babies to sleep. During my inlaws visit DH would spend time with his parents after dinner and get up early to chat with me or go for a walk. At least one of the babies was up and we would bundle him up and go .
    Even during mundane chores like grocery shopping we would go together and take a slight detour to a coffee shop for 30 -45 min and catch up.
    The point I am trying to make is..it wont be planned and it wont be easy but given that u both are so much in love and want to spend time together you will figure it out if u get into the right mindset. Best of luck!
    Edited to add. Just saw that @silento had given similar tips! More validation that it works:thumbup:
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Alady2018, I write from my experience. In my opinion a primary family unit is made up of spouse and kids. Parents and PIL fall in the next tier. I share a independent relationship with each of my kids and my husband . We also have certain family dynamics when we are all together. This equilibrium gets disturbed when there are parents or PIL around all the time. I experienced this first hand when my second kid was born and parents/ PIL took turns to help. I had lost the connection that I shared with my first born and my spouse. I had also impacted my husband’s connection with the child because the grandparents were always around.
    I have been blessed with supportive PIL and parents . It is important for me to have my little boys establish a emotional connection with the grandparents. This has to happen in parallel with the continuous development of my own independent connection with my kids. This needs time , effort and space which are all divided when grandparents are around .
    Marriage takes a lot of work specially after kids are born. Add another layer of complexity in the form of parents and PIL’s and the connect can be easily lost.
    Long story short, give your primary family unit a chance to flourish by spacing out or reducing the grandparents stay with you.
     
  3. Indeevara

    Indeevara Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with you. Nurturing the bond among the ‘primary ‘ family members is as important as providing our children a healthy environment to growup in the presence of their grandparents. Whether in nuclear family or joint ; we should always ensure that the former is not disturbed at any cost.
     
  4. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP, I am in somewhat similar situation. We don’t have in-laws with us frequently but we both work long hours and somedays we don’t even get to talk to each other except for kids schedules etc. Kids take up pretty much every waking moment and we do long for “us” time.
    A few things that many posters have already suggested:
    1. Unless I pass out while trying to put my 3 year old daughter to bed, we have a cup of tea together. Sometimes in silence just being with each other feels good, other times talk about trivial things.
    2. Lunch date- we can hardly go out for dinner. I tried leaving kids with babysitter but I don’t enjoy it unless it is something we cannot avoid. We don’t get to see the kids all day and then leaving them again with a babysitter just feels selfish. So, we go out for lunch once or twice a month. We work at the same place, different buildings so it’s easier for us to arrange the lunch dates.
    3. Swap museum time etc with friends- while I don’t enjoy having babysitter in the evenings, I actually enjoy taking turns with my good friend to take kids out for an activity- play date, museum etc. our friends have same age kids and our parenting style are similar. Once in a month we arrange to have all 4 kids together and take turns to give parents a break for few hours. Kids get to spend time with their friends and parents get to enjoy their short break. Works well for us.
    If the baby wakes up late or is usually happy playing with grandparents, you and husband can go out for breakfast and start work a bit later (if your work is flexible). We sometimes do this, drop kids at the daycare, stop for breakfast and then go to work.
     
  5. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, I really feel like we must try this.
     
  6. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for understanding! :)

    You bring up a key point - not to talk about kid and parents - it seems like we only talk about this - but thanks for the friendly reminder - I can see how important this is.
     
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  7. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your kind words. I truly believe we are very lucky that our parents are healthy enough and willing to travel to be with us. But I can't honestly take all your praise - since we've had our own share of issues. To put it very frankly - I think I am finding it very difficult to be in care-giver mode for such an extended period of time. Both with parents and parents-in-law, once evening and weekend begins I am in care-giver mode. Sometimes all I crave for is to lie on the sofa all evening and have baby climb over me.


    Yes, you captured it so well. Thank for understanding so deeply. We do need a few months time to just be ourselves.


    Again - yes it is virtually a joint family - exactly what I was telling myself in my head. Good to hear another person voice it.

    To add to this I am an extreme introvert - so any social experience outside of my parents, husband and child - is "a drain on my battery". After a couple of hours I a literally dead, I need to retreat to my personal space - which ends up seeming as asocial to others.[/QUOTE]
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2018
  8. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    You've hit the nail spot on. I have analyzed this a lot in my head. You bring out an important point that I've tried to suppress in my own mind - and didn't even allude to in my initial post.

    You've given words to many of the fleeting unrelated thoughts in my head - so a big thank you to you. My delay in reply has been because I want to mull over what you said.

    Though I love my parents to bits and respect my in-laws - I am head-over-heals, intensely in love with my primary family. I had a kid late (due to being in school and career) and have waited and dreamed of this period for at least 2 decades (from when I was a middle-schooler)! Being a mother is my ultimate joy right now. And this self-less service we are getting from grandparents is putting me in such a tough/guilty spot.

    The primarily family members rarely get time alone - and even if we do its not a natural every day thing. I have to pre-plan it so much and it's deliberate. Though I do value some of the child-raising strategies of my parents and in-laws - this is so close to my heart - that I dislike not being able to share my own and husband's ethos in raising the child.

    As a small example - when growing up whenever it was time for a meal - everyone got up and went to the kitchen or dining table and all of us would get the plates setup, tumblers filled, food to the table, etc. And the same thing after meal was done. Each person had to take the plate to the sink and wash it up. Kids needed to do it as soon as they could reach the sink (so ~6th grade onwards we've been doing this). In my pil's - maids + mom was responsible and kids + dad aren't involved in the pre-meal and post-meal parts of any meal. I really try hard to have my son involved - but they *seem* to discourage it - you play with this or that and lead him out of the kitchen. Anyway just a small vent. :)

    I think I would have to find a tactful way to say no to the parents/pil trip for atleast a year so that the primary members can find a way to be a unit and work together.

    Ideally, till my parents and in-laws can live independently, I would like them to visit for a month or two at max. In this period, me and husband can go all out to take care of them - and we would be truly rejuvenated to doing this. Anything more is taking it's toll on us. I feel terrible for even thinking this way - but this is how I truly feel now.
     
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  9. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    This is a good idea, if they are healthy encourage them to only come for 2 months each, this way you can take care of them well and have your own time. You should do two months each with two month recovery in between, then 6 months to yourself. I cannot even imagine how you guys handle this, it would drive me nuts to have parents/inlaws in my house for 6 months at a time. I love my parents but living with them is a different thing. I think your solution since you want to take good care of them while they are here is just to do shorter visits.

    Start scaling from 6 months to 4 months, etc or to three months. Blessing is that you have nanny and work from home so don't need them for babysitting.
     
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  10. akshaya452

    akshaya452 Silver IL'ite

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    I have some suggestions for you in your inbox here in IL
     

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