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Horrible Wife In A Good Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ThoughtsParv, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    Like Rakhi said, he is the father of the child and he needs to pitch in every single day. Else, he wouldn't have had kids.

    It doesn't matter whether the wife works or not. It's important for the father to spend time with his own kids for their own well-being. Kids need both the parents.

    Why does he need to see "time with kids" as chore. He can read them books, take them out for walking etc.

    What would he do if his wife works? Would he still expect his wife to take care of the kids 100%?
     
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  2. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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  3. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    going by YOUR logic millions of doctors , nurses, night shift workers ,pilots , fathers who work in diff cities or army navy air force people are all bad fathers because due to whatever reasons (the reasons may be different they can not spend time with kids on a daily basis

    What would he do if his wife works? Would he still expect his wife to take care of the kids 100%
    - similarly one can ask ...what wd she do if her husband comes at 1 am??? wd she still expect him to wake kids up and spend time with them?
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @friendabc my response to your message was exactly this, "I very strongly disagree with this opinion. " Nothing else was directed at you.

    Nevertheless, if this one line came across as rude to you, then I apologise, that was not my intention at all to offend you. perhaps you would take a sec and go back and re-read?

    As such, I guess we both have very different views on what is rude is. And FYI, my husband works night shifts. there are several days where we (me and my 2 kids) dont see him for 5 days at a stretch and i do quite literally 100% of the house work and outside things (like dropping kids to daycare, extra activities, cooking, my own full-time job etc). But when he is home, its simply not too much to expect him to pitch in. and where did i say he is a bad father?
    Doctors, flight attendants, navy people etc work outside the home and I dont think anyone would expect them to be present in 2 different places at the same time. The expectation from OP is very simple. When he comes home, give her some breathing time. Its very reasonable. You dont agree with this and thats fine. Like I said, we will respectfully agree to disagree.
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Combined with history of mild depression, new child birth, n you still crying for no reason, I would suggest you to meet a counsellor n check for post partum depression (PPD). It’s a big possibility.

    Chella adi is very different from raising your hand in anger, which is very wrong. If you feel your anger blinds you or is out of control n this whole thing is a new thing, then PPD could be a reason again. Also next time, walk out rather than raising your hand. Regardless of a man or a woman, it’s just wrong.

    Frustration: List down all the reasons for your frustration, is it the ‘mental load’ to keep everything on track? What can you do to reduce that load? How about a normal, happy life rather than a perfect, stressful life ?

    Spending time with kids: figure out a midway that works for everyone. There’s no “one right way” for every family, it’s only accordingly to your own family.
     
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  6. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...I really don't want to side track your thread. Just know that what you are expecting (support from him when he is home) is absolutely reasonable. And as I said in my first post to you on this thread, please talk to your family doctor about postpartum depression. And i also talked about your anger issue. I hppe you decide to take help from a qualified person who can guide you. Its hard...you will be fine though.

    And @friendabc there is nothing more left from my side to justify what I said. I repeat, since that one single line of mine obviously offended you so much, I apologise.
    My IQ is not as high as yours is and I honestly did not mean to be condescending; even when i said "dont let anyone", it wasn't intended to be directed at you. It simply meant, don't let anyone. I will stop responding to you on this post as clearly we are causing more damage than good in this post.
     
  8. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    The thread deserves not to be sidetracked . No matter what the provocation this is wrong. So completely and utterly wrong. U need to pause and think through what u did .
    This is good in any marriage. Lets leave Indian out of this.
    This is true in many marriages when the man is a primary breadwinner. The woman has to take care of things at home. Thats how it works. If its not what u signed up for then u need to have a discussion with ur spouse. The mental load of providing for the family is on ur husband. Just because he doesnt complain doesnt mean it doesnt exist.
    So why blame him for something he is not even aware of ?
    If u need help ask for it. Dont expect him to read ur mind.
    U both seem to be good at crossing boundaries. He calling u fat and dark and u "smacking him" even if playfully. Remember u now have two kids and they will watch and absorb like a sponge.
    Shame on u. No really . I am not even going to pretend to sugar coat this or find an excuse for u. Ur husband offered u a practical solution for giving u a break and all u can find is anger in u . Spending time with kids after a long day at work is good but not critical. He (and u ) can rest - recharge and spend quality time over weekends.

    U need counseling . Seek help and quit placing unrealistic expectation on ur spouse.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
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  10. ThoughtsParv

    ThoughtsParv Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you for the responses. I appreciate them and read them both to calm down and center my thoughts. I have no real life friends I can talk about this to, actually maybe I have no friends after kids.

    Firstly there is no debate that what I did was wrong.
    I recognize this and am looking for specific tips to avoid it happening ever again. I have previously walked out of a physically abusive relationship, so I do really get how wrong this was.
    As I said one moment I was doing something which was totally normal (we were not even really fighting) and then I lost it. When I lifted my hand I had no intention of hurting him - but time did slow down, a bunch of scenes rushed past me (him on the phone while kids are crying, my uneaten dinner) and the next thing I know I put in more force then I intended to.
    This is very unlike me, something like this has never happened before in my life.
    These are the steps I intend to take to combat this:
    1) No more playful hitting
    2) Identify strategies to calm down -walking out of the room? Praying?
    3) Talking to a counsellor for PPD? Will consider this - last time I saw someone DH was not happy, he considers it a character flaw that I am not able to think positively and also takes it as a personal failure in keeping me happy.
    What else?

    Secondly, I am happy that the conversation veered towards expectations. I feel this is the crux of all my frustration and would like to get more opinions on this.

    I do work full time, have recently gone back to work after maternity. I enjoy my work and earn reasonably well - enough for a normal life in the US. A job which pays well also has associated demands, but I do have the flexibility of being able to come in at 9 and leave at 5, to be able to take kids to appointments, to be able to take time off at the last moment if I need to etc.
    At the very start of our marriage and career we earned equally, our expectations at that point was an equal sharing of chores. But somehow I ended up as the project manager of our life.
    Now by the grace of god, DH is doing extremely well in career and his salary now is 5X mine. He leaves home at 6 - back at 5:30 ( gym, longer commute , longer work hours).
    I get that he is tired and the kids are high maintenance - one is a baby, other is a spirited preschooler. The 2 hours I talk about in the OP is the time between 5:30 - 8:00 pm when the kids are awake. 8:00pm DH goes in with the older one to put him to sleep, relaxes with a device and falls asleep. But I also have spent all my waking hours between 6:00 am to whenever the baby sleeps either taking care of kids or at work . Plus I am pumping 4 times a day at work. And after the baby falls asleep, I am alone wrapping up the chores, tidying up, sterilizing bottles and pump parts etc.
    I am not a very efficient homemaker, but trying. I have bi weekly cleaners, and have simplified cooking. Still there always seems to be so much to do, many one time things but they are contantly there - Home maintainance, Paperwork related things, Finance related things, Social, Tracking schedules, setting up appointments, Purchases, Decluttering and so on.
    All fun things are my responsibility - In the last 10 years I have planned every one of our vacations and dates and weekend trips - and I am no longer interested.
    Discplining the kid is my job, saying no to the kid is my job, every child rearing book and blog has been read only by me - DH just wants to have fun.

    1) As my husband earns the lions share, is it now solely my responsibility to make sure everything is working smoothly in the house?
    2) I have considered leaving my job as there is no longer a financial advantage of my working. But I enjoy my work and I dont think I can stay home all day.
    3) DH wants to get a mothers helper in the evening - but that is the only time the whole family is together. Wont the presence of a third person impact this ?
     
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