Age Old Problem

azureocean · Jul 28, 2018

I wanted to get some ideas on how to deal with this perennial issue.

Most recently I was in India and took DW to Tanishq. She wasn't satisfied with limited design choice though she preferred one choker set for 18 lakhs. The salesman showed more designs on the PC but finally DW said she is not interested in purchasing jewellery this trip. While I am en-route back to states, she visits another gold shop with her sister, orders herself some diamond earrings and necklace for daughter.

1. I really feel snubbed at this continued behavior (not the first time) of not selecting anything with me and kids for her but purchasing stuff with her sister. I need to fit the bill of course. DW is extremely picky and will return mother's day gifts from me and kids almost every year (We buy probably not trendy stuff but who cares -- she can wear them at home. It's from kids). This year, kids have gotten smarter and didn't buy her gifts but did cards

2. Here comes even more weird part. DW decides that daughter's necklace should be made with same amount of gold from returning jewellery (gold waist band, couple of other necklaces) gifted by my mom because they got shorter. (i) Shouldn't my mom get to choose the replacement as it was a gift to begin with? (ii) I asked DW that my daughter might want to keep these as remembrance from her grand mother and she said she still has few other items. It turns out the other *in memory of* jewellery is from her mother and her sister. Essentially, get rid of all the items my mom gifted but keep everything her mom and sister gifted. Well--this might come across as me being the mom-boy complaining but DW knows I oppose my mom in everything. I am fairly independent guy who likes to stay clear from both sides for all these material things that only asks for trouble one way or the other. I would have been happy if she returned everything my daughter has but this will *never* happen.

This is not only with jewellery. Clothing for herself and kids -- spending hours and days researching and exchanging notes with her sis late nights at the detriment of her health. She seeks her sister's approval in every shopping decision and is scared (?) that her sister might not like things if she selects herself (my guess is that negative feedback over years makes her needing the nod). Even at Tanishq, she messages her sister the designs for her opinion.

Same thing with food. She needs to get chilli powder, tamarind, pickles, etc. from her mom but nothing from my mom. Btw, I am perfectly fine not getting anything from my mom (it's been this way for years). I get the feeling that item from her mom is neither for quality nor for lower cost (after all they are bought from local grocery stores) but for her to gloat to other ladies that her mom sent this and that. There are many other silly things like these

This type of partiality, for lack of a better word, for fifteen years has crossed my patience and tolerance threshold. Now kids are getting exposed this non-sense and I would like my daughter to be completely independent in her thoughts. Why does this bother me? Not a bit about gold, clothing, food items. But DW expects my daughter and me not to question and she doesn't realize this.

I prefer that DW (i) goes to a reputed shop and buys all items she needs from India herself or picked up by maids (ii) goes to jewellery shopping with my daughter and makes the decision herself.. Essentially I would like her to be independent. I hope the relationship between sisters and mom/daughter is not dependent heavily on shopping for reinforcement and I sincerely wish their family bonds stay strong eternally.

Btw, I don't have a sister but if I asked her to shop with my cousin sisters or have my mom ship pickles (which I am not fond of as it creates new issues), she would immediately stop what she is doing.

This seems like a universal problem to some extent. I haven't mustered the courage to discuss these things with DW and hoping there could be an elegant idea/thought without hurting her maternal pride to broach this topic. How do you handle these things in your life? It's quite possible that's the way it is

nakshatra1 · Jul 29, 2018

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parvathi1980 · Jul 30, 2018

Have you spoken to your wife about this? Maybe you start appreciating her choice a little more so that she has confidence in what she buys. She seems to look up to her sister and consider her an expert in every shopping matter. I don't think this happens in every household. I don't consult my sister in any shopping matter. She will buy the most expensive brand even if it is not the best. I buy according to my need. I think your wife must be a very social person hence the need to buy stuff after consulting other people. She seeks approval from everyone.

Rakhii · Jul 30, 2018

OP, I am not sure how your relationship with your wife is but with us, anything over a couple of hundred dollars would be discussed before buying. 18 lacks is almost $40,000 for me. That would be a BIG no no in our case. That too, without him being present. But I realise that is not how every relationship work. What I see is that, your problem is not the money, it’s the not-discussing part. Have you ever discussed this with your wife? Perhaps she is doing this without realising that its breeding resentment from you. I mean, if you don’t tell her, how would she know? Also, I encourage you to set a $$$ limit (of your mutual choice) beyond which you both need to make a joint decision.

Secondly, I would never take my husband for jewelry shopping. He basically knows nothing about jewelry. Are you familiar with precious metals, if not, is there a reason why you think she should take your opinion over someone who knows better? To me, it looks like the first time she just took you for formality sake and in the end she ended up doing what is more comfortable for her. I don’t blame her. Once you set a limit (5 or 15 or whatever lacks), back off. You know she has a mind of her own, you know she wants her sisters opinion, just let her go. Same thing with Mother’s Day gifts. The initial few years I got some gifts that were never used. But I see your point, she could have kept some, just because they are from the kids. Now, look back and see. Was she a good parent? If yes, in the long run, does it matter if the mother’s day gift was exchanged? Once, I received earrings, heart shaped one’s. I don’t like heart shaped earrings. What I really wanted was Mimosa’s at 10 AM…keep them coming all day long. That’s what I wanted. So, perhaps you can ask her exactly what she wants? Its her day after-all. A happy woman is a happy mother and a happy wife. I am not trying to find fault with you; I am just giving a voice to what may be your wife’s thoughts.

As for not bringing things from your mom, tell me this. Does she stop you from bringing things given from your mom? Why do you wait for her to take things from your mom? If you want anything, why not just take it from your mom? To me, it feels like you are expecting something from her and she is more comfortable with her own mom (can you blame her?).

armummy · Jul 30, 2018

I think on the point of exchanging all the jewelry from your mom, put your foot down and say no if you are not comfortable because this is one thing you will resent a lot.

You can suggest buy new jewelry instead of exchanging . Looks like you can afford it.

Offer to accompany her and sister for jewelry shopping and give your opinion there. Tanishq is a good brand and quality is good , so I am sure it is comparable or better to any local shops she is buying from. is she using a gold
Smith who is known to them and feel comfortable only
to get things from them . If the stuff is old don't get too involved.

sunshine1970 · Jul 31, 2018

I understand where you are coming from, but men need to understand that wives are not going to treat their mother in law or husband family the same as theirs. It works both ways, most in laws don't treat their daughter in laws the same way as their daughters. It all comes to comfort, we are more comfortable and loving towards our family of origin, mother in laws, sis in laws etc can't come close to our own family. You are expecting your wife to treat your mom the same as her mom, she will not, just as you won't like her family as much as your own. You are a grown adult , you take what you need from your mom, don't expect your wife to have the same relationship she has with her family with yours, it is really not possible.

lavani · Aug 2, 2018

i hope you are not a troll. A person comfortable with spending 18 lak will be pretty busy person . like it or not. will not have much time or thoughts to come to this forum. i take my mom for jwellery , my DH always comes but he just enjoys the time with kids and gives his ideas when asked.

this strikes me -
Same thing with food. She needs to get chilli powder, tamarind, pickles, etc. from her mom but nothing from my mom. Btw, I am perfectly fine not getting anything from my mom (it's been this way for years). I get the feeling that item from her mom is neither for quality nor for lower cost (after all they are bought from local grocery stores) but for her to gloat to other ladies that her mom sent this and that. There are many other silly things like these

my DH will be more than happy, if i do not comment about his side. if he gets anything from he just gives and moves on. Really a person with such a big financial background, does not fit who will worries about tamarind .

bron · Aug 2, 2018

if u want to buy her jewelery with your opinion tell her that and take her..
if u want to get things from your mom..why do you expect her to ask frm ur mom..u can verywell ask urself and bring them for you..
put ur foot down and tell her u wont sell the gifts ur mom gave for ur daughter. . looks like u can afford new..tell her let them be for the next generation

nakshatra1 · Aug 2, 2018

Was there any reason to mention about 18 lakhs, brand names ? Are u expressing hidden resentment of ur wife buying expensive jewellery from branded shops ? Seems Ur real problem is the amount and frequency of spending thar too from branded shops, which u can't afford . Try to both of u get busy in learning some new hobbies, skills and talents . Once u both get busy in intellectual and other worthwhile pursuits , the excessive focus on shopping will automatically reduce . Then influence of Ur MIL, SIL in ur life will also reduce. Wish u all the best

mimi77 · Aug 2, 2018

You dont sound like a man......Concern expressed here is much womanish.....However if Im wrong, pls do sincerely take advice from fellow IL members....