1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Another Anger Burst Of My Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, Jul 7, 2018.

Page 3 of 3
  1. Jul 10, 2018 #21
    NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    In that case, just walk out the room or walk out the house, and don't come back until he has calmed down. Don't take your phone with you but do take your purse. Come back and say you'll speak to him when he has calmed down and apologized for insulting your parents. If he keeps doing it, then say you won't tolerate being spoken to like that and if that is the way he feels then you'll leave. And follow through. Go stay with a friend for a few days and allow him the time to calm down and think about his actions.

    He has backed you into a corner and knows that you won't leave him and is using this to his advantage to get his frustrations out. Call his bluff, see if he really wants to work on his marriage or is just using you as a punch bag.

    The thing that worked for me when I was trying to explain to my husband about why I was so upset was simply saying to him that "when you speak ill of my parents, it hurts me. I have never ever said anything bad about your parents or your family, I think it's only fair to expect the same in return from you". He realized that he was really hurting me and make a conscious effort to control himself when he was angry. You need to do the same with your husband too.
     
    NeerjaC, Jul 10, 2018
    NeerjaC, Jul 10, 2018
    #21
    Lalithambigai likes this.
  2. Jul 21, 2018 #22
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,503
    Likes Received:
    30,273
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    He might have anger issues, but every fight or every argument need not be examined with his anger issues as the center. This is a simpler case of an overwhelmed couple. When kids are that young, there is just too much work to get done, and no daily maid servants. He is helping with the cooking. Did you really show appreciation for that? Yes, it is his duty to take care of you, but did you ever sit down, and spend a few minutes telling him what it means to you?

    Not to discount his anger issues, but such arguments happen in many households. If I have everything set up to grind something, and cannot find the grinder lid as husband put it in the cabinet where rarely used India stuff goes, I can be hopping mad. I can yell on the phone so much that half way through I instinctively look around to see if windows are open.

    Why is he bringing up all this in a phone call? Maybe because there is no other time. You guys saved money by getting rid of the cook, but lost other more valuable things, such as some free time.

    If his claim is right, that your parents often come unplanned or last minute changes, his annoyance is understandable to an extent. I have seen friends who have parents/in-laws who never make up their mind about dates, and reason is often medical treatment.

    Not nice of him to say that. But in heat of moment, many things get said. My friend's 9 year old had a piano recital later in the day on a Saturday. Weekly skype call to India happened in the morning. Grandmother as usual asked boy why he can't speak mother tongue, why he is thin, and so on. Child was upset, mother had to calm him down for the recital. Recital didn't go well. My friend said something really nasty to husband about his mother. Like, only when she dies, these weekly calls will stop.

    He is cooking at home with toddler around? That can be stressful, more so for men not used to regularly cooking. Again, saving some money is not worth these arguments and fights.

    Before you conceived he said you can go to India, after that he changed his mind. Not nice. But people do change their minds. Once you know he is not in favor of your going to India, don't keep bringing it up. Bring it up only if you have made the decision to go to India. If not, discussing it only brings unpleasantness and doesn't fix anything. Take a decision either way on the India decision, and make peace with it.

    I am not supporting your husband and am not saying you are wrong. My point is that don't mix up arguments, fights, yelling that happen to couples with his anger issues.

    I didn't post earlier as somehow I didn't want to say all this with you handling morning sickness and all. Posting it now anyways. Don't take it to heart, just give it some thought.
     
    Rihana, Jul 21, 2018
    Rihana, Jul 21, 2018
    #22
    justanothergirl, kkrish and msm like this.
  3. Jul 21, 2018 #23
    msm

    msm Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    371
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female

    Rihana - very well written, unbiased views, not just for the OP, I learnt few good thoughts for myself. I used to stick around the words said at peaks of anger and worry every bit of me.

    OP - hope you do feel the same.
     
    msm, Jul 21, 2018
    msm, Jul 21, 2018
    #23
  4. Jul 21, 2018 #24
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    He is helping because op has agreed to have a second child with him after he made promises .

    I feel this is devil's advocacy gone too far knowing the abusers history .This is bordering on victim blaming for not taking his abuse in the right spirit.

    Every one has off days with loss of temper, intemperate language and loose tongue,.....but when one person has all these very often,then that person is usually at fault.

    His anger issues are the reason for his combined abuse. Trying to find logic into his long term raging behavior is just sweeping the dust under the carpet.
     
    yellowmango, Jul 21, 2018
    yellowmango, Jul 21, 2018
    #24
    SinghManisha, shama146, msm and 3 others like this.
  5. Jul 21, 2018 #25
    BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,025
    Likes Received:
    2,216
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree, what is simply explained away as "anger issues" is really abuse. Everyone has off days, and can get grumpy, but OP's husband has a track record of this type of behavior. And it's usually following the domestic abuse cycle, so OP is always sucked back in, thinking things will improve or be different.

    Personally, I think OP is venting and trying to mentally deal with her situation. Previous posts from OP have suggested serious emotional abuse, so to say that she needs to re-examine her own behavior sounds cruel.
     
    BhumiBabe, Jul 21, 2018
    BhumiBabe, Jul 21, 2018
    #25
    SinghManisha, shravs3, Lalithambigai and 1 other person like this.
  6. Jul 21, 2018 #26
    msm

    msm Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    371
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Quiet possible, but given the vulnerable state OP is currently in right now, we can't suggest her to make major decisions right away. I feel its good to pacify her a bit so she completes her pregnancy safely if it means just going along with the whims/fancies of her husband and then take some valuable time to think what needs to be done for long term
     
    msm, Jul 21, 2018
    msm, Jul 21, 2018
    #26
  7. Jul 22, 2018 #27
    sampar

    sampar New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    I am so sorry. Duri g this time, what you need is support
     
    sampar, Jul 22, 2018
    sampar, Jul 22, 2018
    #27
  8. Jul 22, 2018 #28
    SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,011
    Likes Received:
    2,683
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    We have a saying in punjabi : Turreya te appareya. It means you will reach the destination only when you start. You have to start somewhere to end this cycle of abuse.
     
    SinghManisha, Jul 22, 2018
    SinghManisha, Jul 22, 2018
    #28
    lavani likes this.
Page 3 of 3

Share This Page