Colleagues Attitude...!!!

Discussion in 'Working Women' started by frndlysgp, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    So i have a senior lady colleague, she may be in her early 40's has a teenage girl as well. She is slim and looks young. She leads a team of around 10 people. I observe she keeps commenting on others physique of-coarse they may not be our colleagues. Yesterday she was talking about her previous colleague. How the Indian guy was tall and handsome and the wife who belongs to a different race was plump and had marks all over the face. I don't like to talk about others look so I kept on browsing some thing on my mobile. I feel very awkward in such situations but I don't have any one else's company so have to join this group for lunch. I was wondering if the parents themselves talk like this what would their teenage kids learn from them. Hoping to get some gyaan on how to handle such scenarios.

    Thank all in advance.
     
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  2. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    you can reply like who are we to comment about these things. or what have we got to do with it. i don't like to comment or talk about such things bla blah. React this way once or twice and then start ignoring.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You are talking here about her, like she talks in your office about others.

    Commenting on the looks and physical appearance of others is a casual thing. Unless overdone, it is casual conversation.
     
  4. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Well this was mentioned just to give an idea of the person. If we are slim it does not give us any right to comment on others.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Just reply casually.."how does appearance matter if husband and wife love each other?"..then change topic to something else..divert her attention elsewhere. ..u anxiously need her company, she is senior to u and u can't be rude to her..deal in casual and diplomatic way..
     
  6. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    There are all kinds of folks out there and sometimes we have no choice but to spend a majority of our time interacting with negative people.

    Are you comfortable enough to tell her straight away how you feel about her talking like this?
    That would be the best approach.

    If you think she will react badly and make your work life miserable, just learn to ignore her words.
    Can you mentally switch her off while she is talking such negative things about others?
    For example when she talks, just imagine in your mind how nice it would be to have some chocolate ice-cream, or a hot plate of bajji with coffee, or evening breeze at the beach, or a a pleasant moment with your child/husband, or replay a favorite movie scene.

    Another trick is doodling on a notepad - this shifts your attention from her words to your design on the notebook. Just keep nodding your head but focus on your drawing ;)

    My father always used to say that sometimes, "what we cannot cure, we must endure". We cannot change some folks, even in our family and friends. But we need the job. So what else to do, but find ways to move on with life.

    Best wishes.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    frndlygsp, the problem is a colleague comments on physical appearances of people not present. You want ideas/gyan on how to deal with it. Extra details, such as she looks slim, young, has a teenage girl, what will teenage kid learn from such parent, are not needed to gather ideas. Just like you gave extra details here, she seems to have a habit of making some comments you find unpleasant.

    Again, the assumption that she is making the comments because she is slim, is not nice. Such comments from anyone would or should bother you.

    The context also matters. What is the general topic when she makes such comments. In the case of the handsome guy/not handsome woman, if the group was talking about seemingly mismatched couples, or mixed race marriage, etc. then, a comment about the couple's physical appearance is part of the topic.

    The point of all the above is that her comments are ones that people do tend to make when having casual conversation with friends or people they meet regularly. I tried to show you parts of your own words where there were unneeded details or assumptions. Not as a gotcha or to put you on the spot, but to show that unneeded comments are more common than we think.

    Anyway, you are looking for ways to deal with such lunch company. Focusing on phone or book/paper often when others are talking could seem rude. Even at lunch. Maybe you can think of some activity or conversation topic series that becomes a daily lunch practice. Such as a puzzle/crossword group does together passing around the paper and pen. Or, maybe since she is a senior in the company, some company related technical or people skill can be worked upon in small doses at lunch.
     
  8. Tamrakshar

    Tamrakshar Platinum IL'ite

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    There are some people with very complicated mindset. They will intentionally attack some other person, but you can feel the pinch of their criticism, because you have very similar attributes to that person. Maybe they want you to react. So, if you don't react, you can defeat the purpose. Also, boss ke sath panga nehi leneka! If you can't keep her in good humour, at least, don't antagonize her.
     
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  9. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Just ignore while conversation, she can get the point after few attempts...

    About her children.. definitely it affects.. but we can't change..

    Tap your shoulder for thinking positive.. move on
     
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  10. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the replies. Yes can't mess up with senior colleagues. This is just an example. Its not only about this colleague I have many colleagues who have this attitude. The problem is I don't have any friends as such apart from my office colleagues and some times it becomes very hard to take all these non sense. There are many topics like these what they discuss. I myself have gone from being slim to overweight but that does not matter for me or my husband. Yes reducing the weight to be healthy is one thing which is personal and need not be discussed with any one. But talking about all the possible diets, commenting on how much some one eats is awkward.

    Its not only this colleague, i have seen many talking like this. I was just wondering on how it would impact a child. Because when I was a kid if I ever talk about skin tone/being fat I would have got a tight slap. I really appreciate the fact that my parents gave me that kind of culture from childhood, but in reality most of my colleagues only discuss about either keto or some diets which some one is doing, or bitching about others and explaining about how much their helper eats and so on. Am not here to complain about them what they talk is their choice but I have started to feel because of this I can't maintain a good friendship with most of them. Can't relate to their principles. From childhood I have had a very nice group of friends, the friendship which we cherish even now but through whatsapp or meeting once in a while when all of us are in India(Which is very hard). But here I feel lonely because our social life is very limited. We do have a decent relationship with colleagues but not the kind of friendship which I had earlier. One reason also being that all of us are in different phases of life.

    Just want to know from you all will this be the way of life. With not having many friends and social life when you are abroad. Am asking this because I have started to feel that may be am wrong and my principles in life are not allowing me to accept these things.
     

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