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Married Life After 12 Yrs

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Jul 6, 2018.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    I m so fed up with my H right now that I just wish he goes away somewhere. We fight so often almost every day, in front of our dear daughter. We had our kid so late in marriage. Then after kid, we are just going away that I want to have another kid but our fights or stress levels wont let us.

    I hate that I shout but he shouts in response like women. Atleast he could stay calm when I am mad.
    I am scared of disagreeing anything because then he starts shouting at nothing. We drive somewhere, he is showing me something, see this is xyz. I do not say , no this is not xyz, but abc othrewise he will get louder. I also scream but which women does not scream. Its most men who do not.

    We disagree on every thing. We have to have people at home, I arrange everything, but then he starts interfering and de-faming what I am doing and start doing things. We do this that. Why are you doing this that?
    Starting from menu, seating arrangement, plates or return gifts.

    Recently we had party and I arranged everything. But same thing, near party, arguments on menu items, where to sit. I was asking to do party in backyard and no he wanted indoors. After lot of fighting, it was indoors and people spilled plate full on curry on my new sofa, burnt my stool with candle and cake all over sofa and ottoman. We were not expecting them to sit on corner, I was thinking to cover but I thought its not for seating and we had sitting arrangements on other side, but some lazy did.
    After party, I am so mad that I scream at him that because of him, his decisions, it happened. I did not want to invite that family for same reasons, but he forced me to. Then one family i did not want to invite as they were not very close and were busy in personal life, they did not want to come or socialize at this time, but he forced me to invite , now they had to come, and I felt ashamed as first they were making excuses to not to come and i felt i am imposing myself on to them, then they were so bored at party.
    I have all my friends whose husbands they argue but ultimately follow their wife. but this guy, then he screams like devil. many times he screams at my daughter too. She starts shaking when he screams. Morning time is always rush, sometimes she is not very friendly to wake up, get ready. I know its hard she keeps crying and we have to drop her. But all parents go through it.
    In our case, I work from home so i cook breakfast etc everyday and he drops her. Most cases, my friends wives do not drive so H drop kids everyday.I have seen parents doing so much for kid, mother leaving early and father taking care of kid everyday. But this guy he starts shouting that I do not drop her. I say, okay then you cook breakfast.
    We do not agree on anything. This is the problem and I fear some day I am going to die because of him. I have no love left for him. Only that he is father of my daughter and does household stuff.
    I wanted kid of enroll in swimming etc on saturday, he did not let me that he can not take tension of picking dropping. Then he tells me, some other stay at home moms who do not drive, take taxi to take kids to library.
    Sometimes, I just long for sometime to come near me, hug me and tell me its okay, its okay, no harm done. But he is not that or he is not that after child. I used to expect little surprises from him on bday or valentines but never so I stopped contributing too. Before child, all his love was drama?
    And whenever we go to his home, he is hardly soft or polite with me, even for everyday talk and I can not give any opinion or suggestion at his place at all on what to eat or not eat where to eat. I am supposed to play dumb and come back.
    I do not know what to do but this man should suffer. He has made such a fool of me before marriage, married on lies, then cheated on me after marriage, I still stick up to him. I lost my career and my age because he was busy fooling around and i just burnt myself. Then after 1 kid, I wanted another kid but he is useless. If god is there, he should suffer.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey hon. I hope your feeling better after this vent. I am sorry to see that things aren’t going too well. From what it looks like, there is little or no hope for improvement.

    What do you want to do? Are you ready to separate or you want to try to reconcile the differences? I think my response would depend on that. Your heart already knows what it is. What is it?
     
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  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    i want this relationship to improve. But do not know how. I want him to go away for a month or so.
    We live in US and work so we do not have option taking a break, going to parents house for a month or so. I WFH all the time and there are some days he works from home, when too much work or tired or something and we fight. I tell him to go and not stay at home, i do not like him staying at home. its not that we talk or discuss some life problems or something. If you are like some useless to me, then do not stay at home. I do not have any option to work outside. I just do not like him right now and to be honest, i feel jealous when i see other couples hugging or talking sweet or husband caring for wife, holding her hand when getting up or down or opening door because he does not. I get hurt like burn and suddenly scream because of it or corner hits , he does not even come and ask what happened. My daughter does.
    so many times this happened that now if he gets hurt, i purposefully do not care and try or pretend not to care. We have hatred for each other that it keeps growing.
     
  4. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Most of the problems I am hearing from friends are due to staying together for too long. We stay in US and don't get chance to go to parents place for festivals or other occasions which used to be very common in previous generations. The bonding grows after a short break. Each understands others importance. Now we are spending years seeing each others face daily and go to India mostly together which is again a hectic vacation. There are no breaks in today's age unless we plan very carefully.

    I see you are already frustrated with everything your husband does and it might be the same for him. Why do you expect that men are always compromising and don't shout? In my case, I never raise my voice but still he shouts for hours together like a barking dog(i cant find a better comparison) for simple things like forgot to write something in grocery list. I agree when one is upset, other should understand and let go. Reading your post, I assume at least you are not scared to talk openly to your husband. Have a open talk with your husband on his expectations and yours from this marriage. Tell him clearly that you can't continue this relation if he is not supportive and finds flaws in everything you do. Also ask him what change he wants to see in you. I feel very bad and helpless when poor kids suffer due to parents failure at handling their temper.

    Sometimes taking break for few months will help you calm down and get a new perspective.
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I hope you read the above comment from the moderator rakhii again.

    You are having multiple issues . Dh who does not help anything but has severe ego issues .

    Lack of emotional intimacy and love.

    You have to calmly analyse your situation and then proceed.

    Vent will help but won't change your life .

    It is about choice that men take to improve their family. My dh is not romantic like filmy type but he shows his love by caring for me and kids. He was super lazy till he got married . He says he choose this new behavior.
     
  6. Socialbee

    Socialbee Silver IL'ite

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    Dear sanjuruby3,
    So sorry about your situation. Rakhii asked you a very clear question, if you want to separate or reconcile.. and your answer was also very clear, you want to improve this relationship... then why not start working towards it?
    I know this won’t be easy at all with your husband being so hyper.. but remember the saying.. where there is a will there is a way.
    Couples shouting to get at each other is not at all healthy for the kids..you are the mother, so please try to stay calm for the sake of your child.. i know this will be very hard.. but for a few days try not to shout back at him.. think like someone in neighborhood is fighting.. after he finishes screaming, reply back quietly.. since you have lost your temper, there is no point in arguing with you now.. when you are ready to talk , we can discuss further ... say this and move away from that room.. keep doing this and see if slows down the screaming... don’t expect the love to start flowing when so much tension exists between you two.. you need to resolve this issue first and later can think of improving further..
    If he is too stubborn on somethings that you don’t agree to, just let him have his way a couple of times..later you can say.. since I listened to you so many times, lets do this my way this time.. see if this works..
    Try to bring the peace in the house first.. it will benefit you and your kid.. I hope you are able to establish a peaceful and happy environment for your family.. All the best and take care of your health!
     
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  7. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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  8. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    I am also in the 12 th year of marriage and it is almost the same kind of incompatibility betwen me and DH. we disagree on all things basically. Nor sure how to make this relationship work. I am trying hard to inculcate the habit of acceptance . If you are not accepting it affects us only the most . we are giving free rental space for people in our minds to those people we do not accept. Whereas if we start accepting things thoughts and mind will become more calm and peaceful. Nobody is perfect. I am not saying to blindly accept things. But Trivial things tht eat your brain can definitely be accepted.
     
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  9. VidyaSuresh

    VidyaSuresh Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sanjuruby3,
    I can understand your situation. I want to tell one thing don't expect and expectations lead to anger, hatred. we are humans we expect and cant live without expectations, but we can always hope for best. If your H is not willing to drop ur daughter for swimming class during weekends and if you want your daughter to learn swimming dont expect him, if you know driving you take your daughter and next to drop her to school, few days you can drop and few days him. Don't fight in front of kids and pl. talk to your husband not to shout at your kid as you have mentioned she feels shaky when he screams which is not good for her growth.

    You have mentioned -"Sometimes, I just long for sometime to come near me, hug me and tell me its okay, its okay, no harm done. But he is not that or he is not that after child. I used to expect little surprises from him on bday or valentines but never so I stopped contributing too. Before child, all his love was drama? - when he is not coming near you why cant you do vice versa nothing wrong and in case if he doesn't like you hugging and not respond, don't scream be quite and calm. He will understand and show his love. Talk to him - why he has changed and how he was before child was born and what made him to change and what is he expecting from you.

    In certain occasions, just go as per his expectations so that the situation at home improves and your daughter can see peaceful atmosphere at home, for her sake you don't shout back/ scream.

    You have mentioned = " I do not know what to do but this man should suffer. He has made such a fool of me before marriage, married on lies, then cheated on me after marriage, I still stick up to him. I lost my career and my age because he was busy fooling around and i just burnt myself. Then after 1 kid, I wanted another kid but he is useless. If god is there, he should suffer" . - what he has cheated on you, I don' t know but feel bad for what has happened to you, but don't think of past and curse him, think of present and future . I am not telling you to tolerate what he does, for sometime you keep yourself calm and don't shout back even he shouts, be calm and once he is in normal mood, speak to him.

    If the situation improves let us know, we will be happy to hear that as I have seen in IL, most post their problem and wont come back whether situation has improved.
     
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  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OK, now that we have established that you want to work on this relationship, let’s take a step back and think what exactly changed since your daughter was born.

    If love existed at one point, we can try to rekindle it again. One of the things I have realised during my own rough period is that, partners (usually) contribute equally to the existing situation. Knowingly or unknowingly. To start with, understand that you aren’t being very kind to him either (for whatever his actions are).

    To start with, try to realise the fact that there is nothing you can do to change his behaviour (or the lack of it) towards you. The thing that is in your hands is how you can change/ alter yourself back to where you were when you first fell in love, the love so beautiful that you get high just by being in his presence. If that never happened before, know that it can happen in future. It happened to me. It wont happen every day but whenever it does, it will amaze you.

    What I did was, started making notes of the things I used to like in him. Small things like a kind word he one said that stuck to your heart, perhaps a beautiful gift you treasured at one point, could be the time when he consoled your daughter when she had a boo-boo, perhaps the time he held your hand?? Could be anything. There has to be something out there that he did which you loved. If not, we should be having a different conversation. Once you have some items on hand, focus on that because that is what he truly is. Our priorities may change but the inner self doesn’t. This will give you hope that we can bring back the man who is now lost.

    This will not take away the hatred but it will give us hope that in future, that hatred may turn to at least like, if not love.

    I don’t think yelling helps at all. Mine used to yell all the time for small things. I yelled, maybe, 10 times in my 11 years of married life. I get upset, yes, I just don’t see how yelling helps the situation. Perhaps next time he starts raising his voice, you can tell him, “Why are you yelling? I am in the same room as you are”. Next time you get the urge to yell, tell yourself the exact same thing. Is this how you want your daughter’s life to be when she grows up? Constantly yelling with her partner? NO?? then why are you letting it happen? You know she is going to grow up listening to this and think that this is normal right?? You can do it; start practising from today itself. I need you to start making this starting today. No excuses…We can start the journey today.

    I believe we can repair this relationship. Until you believe in it, I will do your side of believing too. Shall we start then?
     

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