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Attraction In Marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by BhumiBabe, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. Socialbee

    Socialbee Silver IL'ite

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    Attraction is undoubtedly a very important and must-have part of a happy marriage. If you don’t feel attracted to your spouse now, I doubt you will feel so in the future. It is very true that in Indian society attraction, sex, love is not given much significance if the marriage is financially stable, physically non-abusive and you have established your family in the society.
    Now the real question is how far you are willing to go to make your own life happier. You have to find answers to these questions.
    - Will you regret leaving your husband?
    - Can leave your husband and still keep your child happy?
    - is your crush trustworthy enough?
    - Will your parents support you in your decision?
    - Are you financially independent?
    - Do you care about what society will say?

    The answers to above questions would be different for each person. So truly it’s only upto you to decide.

    Good luck !
     
  2. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes...attraction is important particularly in the initial stages. But you will meet attractive people throughout your life. It's a fact. I wish we could just walk out of marriage if we found someone more attractive than our spouses. But it's not easy whether Indian or American. I think some part of the explanation lies in your age. I am 37 and today if I had met my husband would i have married him??? As we mature and spend more years with our spouse we find that there are better people out there. But if we want we can make things work. Find some other outlet for your attraction.
     
  3. ranju5

    ranju5 Silver IL'ite

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    You are saying your husband is not a bad guy and it is the communication that is lacking in your marriage: so how about you try to communicate with him. Do it in stages but what ever you do dont attack him verbally but start the conversation with something you find attractive about him and praise him for that. Than communicate with him your feelings etc.
    What is coming across is that you are feeling bored. You need to ask your self some serious questions before you decide to throw away a marriage. You have a child and he has the right to have a happy stable home. I am not saying that you should throw away your happiness but you need to look at your beliefs. Re read what you have said about your beliefs of marriage. Yes it requires commitment, sacrifice etc but it give much more in return as well. You have met someone you feel attracted to. Use this to find out what attracts you towards this guy and than see if you can find at least some of these qualities in your husband.
    You know the saying: You must be the change you want to see in the world. Well this applies in every day life as well. Do some serious soul searching within your self and you will see that you have a lot to be happy for. If after all this you still feel that there is nothing in your marriage than you know what to do. Though the truth is that you are unhappy within your self and you need to sort this out.
    God Bless you.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    To answer your question, let me quote from my experience
    Me and my H are married for a decade now, with 2 kids. Our marriage was rocky in the beginning and we were on the verge of separation then.
    It took us nearly 5 years to accept each other with our flaws, and to reconnect in life.
    Initially, there wasn't a single day that passes without a fight if we stayed together. We had loads of resentment built in our hearts back then- thanks to our extended families!!!
    But the love stayed the same. Call it blind love, but it was true. My heart could never stop thinking of him and his wellbeing even after a big fight.
    Sometimes back we had a huge argument on in laws, and my H left home angrily as an insult when I was pointing the right reasons to validate my point.
    With accumulated anger, I did not eat anything for lunch, and went to nap as kids were at mom's place that day.
    While napping my heart beat up for him with worry, that I picked up the phone to make sure whether he has taken his BP pills (as he was recently diagnosed with BP). Even I fought with so much nightmares for rising his BP with a fight that day. But he didn't pick the phone as usual, and came home 1 hr later with my fav snacks, and forced me to eat as I have gastritis troubles, which aggravate if I skip a meal.
    Our fights doesn't stop, but it doesn't mean we can ever stop loving or caring for each other.
    That very moment, we hug and bond together as it was a decade back in love, or even much more.

    The physical attraction may decline with time, with kids and other life tensions, but emotional attraction can never go down among married couple.
    Once I was the most independent and strong women, who has never ever depended on anyone. But today I find myself to be more dependent on my H, more emotionally as I can't do anything without him.

    So, if you think you are missing such a connection with your H, then there is no point of extending this marital bond.



    Even we used to miss our maid whenever she goes on long leave. Because we enjoy her company and feel comfortable when she is around. Our home will never be the same without her.
    Here we don't miss her as a person, but miss her role as a maid. When the tasks are lined up, and when there is no one to pitch in, it can create a huge vacuum.
    But such a missing feeling can be replaced with another maid the moment she starts doing the tasks.
    On that note, I think your H likes you for this marriage you share with him.. and not as a person.
    He finds comfortable in this union called marriage and perhaps he doesn't want to break it to be back to his single life.
    Love and attraction in a marriage is different from whatever the descriptions you give to explain your marriage here.
     
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    God is the greatest source of Love, not some man.

    After all man (and woman) is imperfect.

    Don't feel you have to stay in unhappy, unattractive marriage because this is life.

    It is not normal for spouse to act immature

    It is not normal for spouse to act abusive

    Best to have spouse who is on similar standing, i.e. comparable amount of wealth, a responsible adult, and most important there is attraction to one another.

    man is not God

    boys are raised to believe they are God

    if anything, they act closer to devils (see the headlines of Tribune India, Times of India)

    If you are not attracted to your boy-husband, and you are attracted to someone you met AND you fantasize about leaving your boy-husband when your baby turns 18, then I think you got your answer.

    You are in America. Many people love Indians and Indian culture and don't have silly hangups and color, caste, etc, etc


    You are in America
     
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @BhumiBabe,
    What other people think as important might be very low on my priority list. The two people in the marriage get to decide what is important and what is not. When their priorities don't match is when the relationship sours.

    From your posts, I gathered that you were in an abusive relationship. You've narrated instances of emotional and physical abuse in the past. You wanted to leave. After a lot of back and forth, you decided to separate. Once you announced that, your DH is suddenly a very nice person. You yourself state that he can put up a pretense to get what he wants. He has done that to marry you. Maybe you have some lingering doubts. You probably aren't sure of this because you aren't sure this is the real deal. Don't be in a hurry to get over the bad patch because the DH is now very nice. Take your time. If you feel like there is no attraction, that's probably because you started off on the wrong foot. He's good now. Maybe if he continues to respect you the love or attraction will come. It's not a switch that you can turn on and suddenly have intense feelings for him. For a woman, a lot of things come into play. Especially in a relationship which wasn't easy to begin with. Don't overthink this lack of attraction to him. Accept your feelings and know that there is a reason for feeling this way. It isn't flippant, its a very valid feeling but it may not stay this way forever.

    You've probably figured out by now that I'm not the most practical person around here. Others, who are more sensible and much more practical have given you their view points as well. Ultimately it is your decision and knowing the amount of things you put up with and the effort you have put into this, I think you will weigh your pros and cons and choose accordingly.
     
  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    What is 'love/affection'? - it varies whom do you ask the question.

    The companionship / friendship to share anything and everything under the sun, lend an ear without judging you, to put up with your non-sense, but can subtly influence you to bring back to the reality, unconditional love, puts you before his/her own needs, etc

    Pretty much a shadow of you! It has to be two-way street; both have to feel the same way about each other, i.e, the positive energy and love/affection.

    Does it happen instantly? No, It happens after years of living together. If you have this much of understanding by your mid-life, you are the luckiest person.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018

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