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Attraction In Marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by BhumiBabe, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe , I can talk only about my experience. Whenever I posted a problem about my abusive husband whose anger has no control, the same community people unanimously asked me to walk out of the marriage each and every time. I still haven't walked out as I am scared and uncertain about the future and my kid though I am working, independent and have supportive parents.
    I want to be sure that whatever decision I make, my life and my kids life should be better than what it is now. Be it separating or staying.
    I have no attraction to my husband due to all the emotional trauma he is causing. My sex drive dipped so low after having kid and my husband has so many complains on me that I am not satisfying him.
    My point is, if attraction/love/affection is the only issue you have, I suggest you give it sometime. Women need more time to get back to normal after turbulence than men. I appreciate that your husband is honestly trying his best to make this marriage work. Not many will do that.
    I totally agree with you that the cultural background is making us give you this advice. But I read so many times in US news articles that kids are molested by 2nd or 3rd husband of the mother. That's the last thing we want. There might be few fortune people who met their soul mate after divorce but what if not?
     
  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel attraction should be there to begin with , agreed it will vane over time as other priorities in life take over. You aren't wrong in feeling this void. Not sure what step I can advise you. Just think if you fast forward to being 50 years will you regret staying. Can you imagine being an old woman walking hand in hand with ur husband . If you can't then you have some serious thinking to do.
     
    sindmani, yellowmango and BhumiBabe like this.
  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @ILUser07 - I totally relate to that ideology, after all, it's what I grew up with. Attraction/love/affection seemed overrated to me for years (I'm 30, btw). I didn't even know what was missing in my marriage, but I knew something was, which kept us from communicating and enjoying each other's company. A lot of people just chalked it up to the fact we grew up on different continents and societies- even I thought it was the reason we couldn't relate.

    My husband wants things to work and is trying, but that doesn't mean the home is a comfortable place to be. He has given up trying to change me(so I don't have to ignore him ALL the time) but instead scolds my son for the things that I do that is counter his preference - speaking English, making American (read: white) friends, eating non-indian food, not praying, wearing socks (I don't understand this either), etc - these are things I do that my husband hates. Like I said, there is no abuse (verbal or physical) but I have no one to speak to and relax with - the tensions still exist even if we have decided to sweep it under the rug. Does it make sense?

    When one is living Day to day in this environment, it's easy to get used to it, and accept, but when you have a small taste of what it could be- the easy friendship and physical attraction- that's when it becomes tough to stand. Knowing what you are missing, is a lot worse than thinking something is missing. I know I will never get it from this marriage- though technically, all my financial/societal needs are fulfilled.
     
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  4. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @BhumiBabe

    It's so great to hear that your husband is actually making a serious effort to change things finally. Were you never actually attracted to your husband (emotionally or physically), not even pre-marriage (assuming there was a courtship period of sorts even if the marriage was arranged). There must have been something that you liked about him or were drawn to since you married him, right? As a few posters have already advised, I think it would be good to give it a bit of time to see if your feelings change at all.. it may take some time to get over the negative feelings and resentment you may still be feeling towards him. But having said that, it's also possible that he's just not the one for you, two perfectly nice human beings who aren't suitable for each other.. it certainly happens. I hope you work it out what ever the case.
     
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I just imagine myself leaving him after my son turns 18...which is stupid, I know, but it's my long held fantasy. While he has plans to retire early and travel around the world with me, that plan sounds horrific to me. I want to travel, but not with him...
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    BB u feel trapped in ur marriage. Its neither fair to u nor ur husband. U should think through this and perhaps revisit some of ur choices / current decisions with a counsellor.
     
  7. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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  8. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't want to sound arrogant. but all i hear from your messages, you finding faults . what have you done to keep the marriage and keep the attraction. do you have any common tastes or hobbies. tastes are not genetic, it can be inculcated, it is a choice.

    please do not get offended.

    my h used to and still gets angry with kids when they speak in English and not Tamil at home . initially i used to fight over that, but after joining work and viewing people from different cultures, i changed. Chinese families speak to kids in their language, Gujarati are no different.

    how do you know that the new person you met will be attracted in you all the time. it will fade after some then what. why are men expected to be perfect all the time.

    i did not have a good start. it took a long time. and my H is not my best friend, where i can dump all emotions on him. i learnt it does not work well all the time with men. i have my Cat group when have our night outs and vent.
    It look a long time to have a love and trust between us.

    yes , i agree indian men have or do not know how to interact with opposite sex, but they have never been encourage too . it is all academics. hence some become totally wierd with severe anger issues.

    regarding indian culture , i feel women in usa are more indian than women in india
    there is a APP called Quora, i like to read some times. today was i reading a post by a girl anonymous in india. She is from IIT Mtech not married yet. She was explaining her relationship with her boyfriend. how and what of sexual experiences she has had . and also pointed that she is from a conservative indian family.

    people in usa are open, it is better.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    it is your life to decide. i will not argue. but how i view it is a positive sign from him. sorry. why do you think it is horrific. lot of families are still struggling to settle and hope they survive old age well without burdening children.
     
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I was not attracted from the beginning. It was more like a snowball effect, once I met him and couldn't find obvious flaws (since he purposely hid them), I didn't really say yes, but more like a "proceed". Unfortunately, once I met his parents, they wanted the engagement done immediately (the 1 week I was in town) and the wedding in 6 months. I asked to extend when I felt that we didn't connect, and people freaked out, told us both that this is how things are initially and will disappear once we get married. The things I liked about him, I later found out, were embellishments that he added just like he embellishes his resume.

    I'm not really feeling resentful toward him, just resenting the inability to really connect - emotionally and physically. there are times I prep myself and imagine ways to spark a good conversation...but once he arrives, it's like we got nothing. This has been the case since day one. The only time we have been on the same page is when we visited Universal studios - and I'm sure it's the location that made that possible.

    @justanothergirl - exactly! It's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve a wife who is not able to give him what he needs.

    @lavani - I get along with my BIL - so it's not genetics. I thought it was personality, lack of common interests, etc. but now I feel like it's the lack of attraction. My husband is not a bad guy and would never cheat, but if he cheats, I would NOT be jealous.

    Btw, I wasn't planning on talking about my marriage issues with this topic. It's a can of worms, But I wanted to understand the value we give to attraction in marriage. Attraction is initial stuff, but I never really had it, is what I tried explaining.
     
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