Some One To Talk To From Indus Ladies - Feeling Low

Dear Star90..
I feel sorry for your situation and I totally understand your feelings.No two people are alike just like our fingers and adjustment is needed from both partners to a certain extent to lead a happy married life..it’s modern day slavery if the adjustment is made only from one side.

Both of you should make an effort to meet a marriage counselor, a lot of times people are unable to express due to reasons known to them.There's a high chance for such things coming into light through counseling.Based on the outcome, the counselor can help you both come to terms to start leading a normal life.

In the meantime try to up your spirit by focusing on your hobbies, career, dress beautifully to make yourself feel better, exercise,do the things you love.This is way you can manage getting out of suicidal thoughts.Remember nothing and no one is worth your life, a lot of people adjust just for the sake of kids...they even go to the extent of forgiving their spouses for cheating/extra marital affairs but can’t forget the betrayal and that’s hell.

If things do not work out no matter what...it’s best to let go and start a new life.. at least you are not stuck with a kid from such a marriage.Stay strong.

 

Nearly impossible.

 

Op....a bad marriage is no reason to end life.
If things are so bad...then end the marriage.
Before you do that....see a doctor and rule out depression. Depression makes everything look worse.

If you want to give your marriage a chance then read @DDream 's post a few times . It will give you pointers on how to give your marriage a second chance.

If you want to end the marriage then work on getting independent enough that you can live on your own. Don't expect support from parents. They will not unless you go home battered with broken limbs.
Become stronger and more independent .

Then separate . If you can get a job in a different place,try that.

If your marriage is still not consummated till that time....try to go for annulment of marriage. It will not give you maintainance but would probably be less painful.

Go see a doctor and rule out serious depression.
Work harder to get a permanent job .
This should be your short term goal for now.
Either ways ...it will help you .

 

@star90 Have you ever asked him why he married you? It was arranged but just as your parents were in a hurry to get you married, maybe it was the same from his side? Maybe he wasn't ready to marry you?
And have you tried couples counselling? Forgive me but why are you the only one going to counselling, you are not the one with the problem! He needs to be in there with you and needs to listen to you speak about your relationship.

 

Have you ever tried to have a open talk with your DH and explain how you are feeling and have you ever told him that you can not continue like this forever ?

Your DH needs to change a lot, if you feel that you both can not be happy then think about seperation, your life is more precious.

 

Getting a job is important. I agree. But more important is getting your married life sorted first. What is the use of going for work all day and still getting home back to this? It is only going to be a distraction or a bandage. Firstly try to work things out in your married life (if you really want to be married to him). Open communication (not screaming, not crying) can go a long way. Don't just bottle up your feelings. You will go crazy.
Talk to him sweetly and ask him if something else is bothering him to such an extent that he is not available for you? Make him feel comfortable enough to talk to you. You never know if he had some sad or traumatic past that has affected him. If so, work on that. If not, is he is just not into you, you can now move on. Its not the end of the world. Its almost like you both are married only on paper.
Meanwhile, do not sob over this matter. You live your life, keep yourself busy with some hobbies or friends or anything else. You and only you can solve this problem. Take matters into your own hands, be strong and be happy.

 

Ask your psychologist what explanation she/he can give for a 3-year marriage that is not consummated. Let your psychologist know that you don't want to continue in a loveless sexless marriage for the sake of others. Look like everyone is trying to tell you that it is you who don't allow him to have any relation with you. Ask all the questions you have to psychologist. If you want you can request for a session only for yourself to clarify your thoughts. Don't worry about him impressing others. He is not able to impress you . More over, psychologists are professionals, they can act and behave in different ways to get maximum information from people who seek their help. It may be their tactic to make him open up to them. One positive thing is he is also attending the counselling sessions, that indicate he is interested in this marriage, but that alone is not enough.

It is impossible to force anyone to love you. It has to come from him. Anyway use this opportunity to understand any thing you have not noticed from your side- a self introspection. It is your life. You have to decide what you want . No one can take decision for you. If you are depressed, get help for it and try to see things in a positive way. It is important if you decide to continue in this marriage or not.

If you want to continue in this marriage you need to ask yourself many questions. Are you making him comfortable in any way. How are you behaving to him, talking to him etc..Are you a friendly person, or reserved one. No one comes to a negative depressed person. So try to be a cheerful person like you were before marriage. Once again marriage is just part of ones life- don't consider it as everything. If you continue in this marriage you have to do your part well or may be more. Try to be his friend, talk to him about what ever you like in day to day life.. take small steps

Build your confidence and strength, then talk to your husband in a calm and confident way about your concerns and discuss about your future together. Convey to him that you dont want to continue like this in a loveless marriage. May be you may get a clear picture on how to proceed having a face to face discussion with him.

 

@star90,

It is very painful to read all your posts. My thoughts and prayers are with you for a happy life. I understand it takes time for the spouses to understand each other but 3 years appear to be too long a period.

My humble suggestion is to confront him directly rather than beating around the bush and going through a psychologist. Please have a heart to heart discussion with him and address his from the following angles:

1) Ask him what makes him to stay aloof without getting emotionally involved in the marriage
2) Tell him about everything that you are not happy in your marriage.
3) Discuss how you can resolve them together and develop an action plan.

There is still hope for this marriage to be successful and I am aware of marriages that have succeeded after 5 years of silent suffering and tears.

I would recommend you talking to him directly than involving anyone else at this point. But don't lose heart or hurt yourself. Be brave and face it courageously. Keep the discussion about the extended families away from your discussions for now.

Once you are aware of all that is in the hearts, it is easier for both of you to make further decisions.

Good luck.

Viswa