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Some One To Talk To From Indus Ladies - Feeling Low

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by star90, May 22, 2018.

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  1. star90

    star90 Senior IL'ite

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    Its arranged but my parents say I chose the guy.
    I never told them I would die If I dont marry him.
    They wanted me to get married fast, I thought to marry him as we knew a few people in common.
    My parents already made me join counselling and told my counselor to make me adjust with my husband.
     
  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Adjustments will happen only if you are willing to spend your quality life and time with anyone... If they really deserve our love we adjust and do things for mutual happiness .. In your life, why is he emotionally unconnected with you.. Find out what takes him so long to get attached to you . You have made your effort its time to talk openly . Both of you just plan a game where in you both shoot questions to understand what's in each others mind...

    Physical intimacy comes with an understanding and bonding . Its the body and soul and not just the bodies .. So try to involve him in household activities, go for a short trip, ask him why is he staying away form you mentally although you have been for 3long years together....
    You deserve all happy and good things in life.. So don't throw yourself in to depression bucket just try to find a way to overcome this phase so that you get a clarity of what should be done next....
    If he is not expressive in person have a telephone talk or chat, you find his problem.. Something sounds fishy in his behavior . Any earlier heart breaks or relationships that left a scar or is he really in to this marriage or any thing... Just find out...

    If he deserves you, he will be blessed to have you.. So stay positive and try to work out all Options and decide next action ..
    Stay positive and healthy .
     
  3. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi star90
    Please be patient. U may get stressed out on hearing this. But based on my experience I will tell u. It's been more than 10 years since we got married. Things got settled down only gradually for me with respect to any matter . My H loves me but do not know how to express. He was emotionally not supportive on any things. Even now he is like that in so many things but basically he is a good person. I believe that he will understand me one day with much realization. As long as he is not on the ODD way, u can change him. Life teaches u many things out of patience and it's not like whatever u wanT to achieve it will come as u think. So we at IL s are all here (anonymously we r all friends ) so don't worry be happy. Try to bring change.
     
  4. star90

    star90 Senior IL'ite

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    I am having issues with his mother as well when ever we talk , message or go for vacation. She is a very rude, interfering, dominating lady.

    I dont know how many more years of my life I should waste for him to improve. What am I living for? For whom? Just for my parents to see till their time?

    If he doesnt express how did you understand that he loves you?
     
  5. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand ur frustration. Only time dear. Time taught me so many things. Even I had probs with my mil. The qualities that u have mentioned is also applicable to my mil. Only after years it subsided. I started ignoring her but will not fight. It' S very hard to handle. Things will become worse if u fight and u will loose ur peace of mind. I talked with my H abt our problems without nagging him. even though he doesn't like that. But somehow I understood his mind over years. I don't know ur full story but whatever u feel u can take from my words u can. Hopefully others may help u out if it is non solvable. Thanks
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    First, please do not bring another life into an already complicated life. You might only be even more stuck n the child will grow affected.

    Second, suicide ? You want to end your life for a person who feels nothing for you ? If he felt nothing for you, isn't he just gona move on n marry another person once you are dead ? Your life is worth only so much ?

    Have you ever conveyed your emptiness triggering suicidal thoughts to your parents n husband ? Any reaction ? That didn't bother your hubby? Was the counselling session arranged by your parents for that ? Or was it just to make you more adjustable ? Did your husband join as well ? Or why didn't he ?

    Don't expect much support from your parents, they are typical traditional parents who expects you to adjust with everything. According to them life is with ups n downs, n you accept whatever life has given you. So no point arguing there.

    Reason for getting married, going on the path of "regrets" of why it happended or who said yes isn't gona help anyone. No point arguing about it. It's already over. Done.

    Am 100% supporter of adjusting in a marriage but it definitely matters about how our partner is. It doesn't feel right to ask 'only one' partner to adjust for 'life' esp when there's no foundation of trust or love or even respect in this relationship. It feels like an empty relationship based on 'your words'.

    You need to accept that he's not going to change 360 degrees, mostly they might change about 10-20% if you put in all your blood n sweat over 'many' years. Anything more than that is miraculous n less in percentage. I have seen it in my friends/ family circle, thus saying. So you need to learn to accept him if you wana continue being with a good, stable but same empty life.

    Even for that 10-20%, you need to work on it everyday, be very vocal about your expectations (no nag or fight but convey), you need to take lead on everything, keep up the struggle without backing down, you need to keep doing things for him (gifts, surprise, etc). It may sound one sided, but you have to do in hope that one day he might try to do it back for you. It would require every ounce of patience without the guarantee of success / failure.

    Another angle to this, don't take any decisions now when you are this low. If you want time to think, apply for a job out of state / country n move out. Then take your time slowly n decide what you want to do with your life.

    Options:
    He changes - ideal one.
    He doesn't change but you learn to accept it.
    Have an emotional / physical / both affair.
    Separate
    Divorce
    Find a new life.
    - nothing guarantees anything. Every single option has its own set of challenges. N it's only 'you' who can make that choice n change your life. Don't wait for others to approve, even your own parents won't accept anything apart from you adjusting.

    Don't continue on this destructive path, find ways to make small progress / changes. Maybe start with a weekend - women only vacation package to get out of this low feeling.

    Our happiness has to first come from inside us, if we tie it along with our hubby, parents, kids, or anyone, we will never be happy. Find your self first, find your inner happiness first, then decide about your marriage. You will be able to make much better decisions. It may sound really weird right now, but think about it once you are calmer. Everything will work out. Your life is in your hands.
     
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  7. blooms4me

    blooms4me Bronze IL'ite

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    First of all, do not bring a new life into this world without sorting out things. 3 years is a surprisingly long time for no emotional or physical connection. This is not anything either of your parents can help you with. They obviously want you both to be together whatever maybe the situation. But as far as I know, this is not a healthy marriage. The question you need to ask yourself is that do you really want to be with him, is he worth fighting for? Do you want your marriage to work? If so, strive to do it. Take help, go for counseling, talk to him, express yourself, tell him what you need. If nothing works, you can always walk away. I'm not an advocate of divorce or separation at all. In fact I always want couples to stay together. But in this case it looks like there are some serious issues. Do not think of what people will think or anything. You are the person living with him. Do what makes you happy. Everything else will fall in place. Stay strong!
     
  8. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    @star90

    You say your husband likes watching movies, is this something that you two can do together? Maybe if he spends more time with you doing something that you know he enjoys, then you can form a connection and then take it from there?

    I've struggled for years to connect with my husband. He is a wonderful man, kind and caring and generous but like you, we don't have much in common and especially since having kids, I feel like I might as well be part of the furniture for all the attention I get from him! It's hard to live with someone when there is no affection, no encouragement, no acknowledgement!
     
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I was in a similiar state and this january i decided that i am not going to live like this anymore and once i made this decision to end my marriage and started taking concrete steps towards it, i feel lighter, happier, optimistic about the future . That fog has sort of lifted. I dont feel helpless anymore because i get to decide for my life and no one else.. Life is too short and precious to live in the state you r in .
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Is this marriage consummated ? If not, reg flag .
    If he is not showing any attempts for physical intimacy - another red flag.

    If he is asexual and not showing any interest- I think you have to take the control of your life into your hands. No one (including your parents, siblings, relatives) is going to live your life. Only you. You have to decide what you want. I have seen similar posts in IL forum, what I understood is that the longer you stay, you will find it tough to get out or move on with your life

    It is not normal. Have a talk with your husband that you like to get out of this marriage if this is the way it is going to be. Give him an ultimatum.

    In most of the arranged marriage, physical relationship come first followed by emotional, now its changing. Still its a sad situation to start a married life with a stranger without any emotional connection. So don't expect wonders. Many face similar situations. But how one handles what life offers them, make the difference . Believe me it takes time for men to realize that they are married and to accept wife as part of their life. Marriage of this kind demands lot of patience from women in traditional Indian set up. Most men dont do any thing voluntarily, you have to ask them to do things for you.

    Men needs physical intimacy to connect emotionally, but women need emotional bond to long for physical relations. There are exceptions. I agree. If you deny him it , he will go away from you. The emotional distance between you two will increase beyond imagination. If he initiate, try to go with the flow and see how it changes your relationship.

    I dont know where you are living, If you can, try to go for counselling for yourself. If your are employed, they may offer you assistance for free. It may give you some idea.

    If you want to give this marriage life a chance, try first to relax, and try to think positive. Look at him in a positive way. Anyway you are away from PILS , you have ample time to spend as a couple. If he is not interested to go or eat outside, tell him you like it, if he likes you to be happy, then take you outside at least once or more in a month . If he likes to watch movies, go and watch with him. If you watch movie in a theatre, ask him to take you to restaurant and have some food out side. If he say, he dont like it, then tell him you like it so he has to come with you. Then you can make him slowly show some inclination to your interest as well. Tell him clearly what you want. Most men cannot guess it. If he dont want to come with you, you go yourself . Have your own circle of friends and enjoy your life, let him come after you. If he questions it then you can say, you are not getting what you like in a married life - a friend or companion or lover.

    Our mind is a culprit, most of the time. If we think everyday we hate someone, we will start doing it . So try to be very positive, be active , busy and try to explore his good side. No one is perfect.

    But if the situation is one of the above with red flag, better think and decide what you want to do with this life. (go for couple counselling, doctor, or other options etc, atleast you will have some satisfaction that you tried your best) . You deserve a happy married life


    Just noticed it. May be you should tell your parents to ask your husband to join the counselling sessions. Marriage works only when both of you work together. You can give him ultimatum that if he cannot go for counselling, you may walk out or separate.. or find a valid reason.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2018
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